I actually got mail from angry Styx fans who were enraged that I had a negative opinion about the undisputed worst corporate rock band in the history of Earth. Well excuse me for speaking the truth, but if you look at the top of this Styx page, it says "there's a reason why the band isn't called rox." That reason: Styx is the wimpiest, most uncreative music, ever. It's a shadow of rock, coated in dollar bills.

The guy who reviews Styx on this page actually mailed me, about a year too late too. Why, I don't know (my brother and I made fun of him in our replies to him--he probably didn't notice because any implications flew over his head, because he likes Styx). But if you find yourself with a struck nerve just because someone slams a band that isn't that good in the first place, maybe you should seriously reevaluate your life.

I guess these people think that I should never get bored and write entertaining rants about one of the most infamously and embarrassingly horrible bands in "bad pop music" history. Well people, here's a personal message to you: GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT. Defending Styx makes you look like you have bad taste, and criticizing someone for writing makes you look like you can't write. It's like criticizing someone for making a building. Telling me what I can and can't write is the same as me telling you that Styx is good--it's bullshit.

So some people apparently think I have something extremely personal, or some obsession with hating Styx. They must think that ten paragraphs would take me as long to type as it would them: months. Well people, I learned to type, so a half hour's thought can go onto a page in a half hour. If you do the math, and realize that's 30 minutes out of my entire life, you might realize that 30 minutes out of about a million DOES NOT MAKE AN OBSESSION. I know a lot of people on the internet think they're really clever when they can side step a simple fact just like that, but it doesn't work in the world of "thinking." I like pointing these things out as much as possible, because I personally believe there's nothing wrong with saying the truth, no matter how much people hate it (and boy do they ever these days).

The battle of these mincing, hand-wringing pitch-pink carbon units isn't just Styx fans vs. truth. It's the entire history of denial and fear, and ignorance, vs. the down to earth, clear-cut bullshitless truth. You cut out a lot of the pretense, and there's nothing else to say. The reason why I'm saying this is because I know a lot of people who apparently stalk this page DON'T know this, and aren't even aware of such heady concepts. All they know is THAT IT'S YOOOO BABE. My brother, Josh, and I operate on a completely different, higher plane of thought, reasoning, logic, and reality than people like that (not just Styx fans, but many many net people who can't see past their own unevolved skulls). If you're counting (use your fingers, it's okay!) that's FOUR different concepts that we've already learned enough about to comprehend much more complicated paradigms of. If you compare this math to a Styx fan, it's not a good sign. Especially if you think you're a person who should be sharing your opinion or thoughts of music with another human being.

I do this, obviously (to someone who can think), because the tormenting is fun. It's like doing the fake ball throw with a dog. You laugh because they don't know any better, and they never will. And if they did, they would have nothing left of their lives to do with the knowledge anyway. I also do it because I'm coming off a buzz, and I realized that the fact that someone would actually mail me about a negative Styx comment is so pathetic by itself that I should compile all my thoughts about it (and mail them for posterity of course) and give them to the world, even if they're not exactly bright enough to appreciate it.

I know as long as this site is up, I'll have someone either wondering to themselves, or taking time out of their day to actually ask me, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST STYX?" Well what do you have against actually figuring out the extremely obvious reason for that answer?

From now on, replies to me about Styx that aren't a straight, one sentence statement of Styx sucking will be proof that you can't read. The logic is on my side, and a million pages of double talking semantics won't be able to prove you right. So if you find yourself writing to me about blah blah blah Styx this and that, get out of the chair, take a deep breath, and remember that.

I remember an old Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, where Joel and the bots were talking about Hell itself working much better when it's subtle, such as self-service stations taking over the gas station industry.

Joel asks Crow, "What do you think of Hitler?"

Crow: "Well, I hate him naturally."

Joel: "Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?"

Crow: "They had one or two... oh my God, you're right!"

Styx, universally known for ruining pop music. It could've been all Zep, and all style, instead of shallow arena rock that sounds like an all ballad version of KISS.

BUT KILROY, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA?

If you think the above line makes for an interesting album, well, you can stay with your Styx. I have one Queen album, which blows away everything Styx has ever done.

Oh yeah, and that Styx song, "Renegade," is okay. It's catchy, and it sounds a lot like Queen's stuff, but not as good. But still, if it's a Queen derivative (and it certainly is), then at least it has that going for it.

Did I mention that Styx are sellouts, and perhaps they should be fucked?