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| August 31: Endgame. by mark 08/31/2005, 11:18pm PDT | ||||
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| [31 Aug 2005|03:22am]
She's crying in the bathroom. Once again, I have failed her. [31 Aug 2005|03:24am] [ mood | hopeless, alone ] [ music | mogwai- r u still in 2 it ] She thinks my heart belongs to Ashely. She saw the filtered posts (said they would not make her angry but that concealing them would & so I decided, as always, to trust her) & went to pieces. I'd decided to throw everything out. All things Ashley. & told Rachael so. But because of loyalty to, if nothing else, the idea of loyalty itself (how misguided) I said (in said filtered posts) no never I will never excise the wound of her. I stood up in full paladin. & then changed my mind. Obviously. But one week ago I said I would never throw anything out & that I would never have anything bad to say about Ashley. I still don't understand. & here we are now. R says this is what a heart sounds like when it's breaking. & holds my hand to her chest. & then moves to the bathroom to weep. Comes out weeping. Thows dishes in the kitchen. Then hits me because I won't move out of her way. Hits me. Again. Again. then she knocks over the painting I did of her. All six feet of it. & begins jumping on it screaming that she hopes it's destroyed. That's when my heart broke. I don't think it sounded like anything. & it just all seems like such a goddamn. I never even talk to Ashley. I don't talk to anyone but her. & what do I have to say now. Die alone. There's nothing else to do. 4 comments ripped out of my chest [31 Aug 2005|03:47am] [ mood | a 12 hr. reunion ] "I never want to see you again." [31 Aug 2005|03:51am] [ mood | heartless ] [ music | ugly cassanova- diggin' holes ] This is what I wrote today. I haven't, btw, slept in days. No matter how much I drink, I stay awake. & twitch. Her absence is the opposite of medicine. Her absence is permanent. I have a lucky shotgun shell. Just imagine the hermit crab that crawled into it. Perhaps not a crab. A slug. My heart slugged out through my eyes & into the shell. Loves it there. Happiness I wake up & the room is bright to the point Of glacial. Everything is hospital white. This is where I get better Right here This mark behind your shoulder That once a ghost laid his hand against & that now I press my lips to. [31 Aug 2005|04:07am] [ mood | kill it all ] "Fuck off never call me again. Wish I'd never met you." & I think, you know, you're all that I ever wanted. Just to wake to you. Would have been more than enough. My life was based on the snarl of your hair in the sink. [31 Aug 2005|04:11am] [ mood | no marok liae ] No more life. [31 Aug 2005|04:27am] [ mood | snarl ] Wish I was dead. 4 comments [31 Aug 2005|04:45am] Doesn't matter if it makes sense. I'm fucking serious. It's my fault. I deserve it all. & she deserves far better than me. 3 comments [31 Aug 2005|11:50am] [ mood | remote ] [ music | nin- now i'm nothing ] My poor painting. 1 comment [31 Aug 2005|11:57am] [ mood | give up ] [ music | sonic youth- schizophrenia ] I think secretly I wanted her to keep hitting me. Wanted her to use the frying pan instead of throwing it. Wanted to be a bloody wreck. I will never hit you. So hit me. So fucking hit me. This is my version of fury. Let me bleed. pins & needles [31 Aug 2005|12:15pm] [ mood | i can't feel ] [ music | pleasure thieves- tapewormer ] Another vodka breakfast. Thanks for all your kind thoughts. But believe me. I don't deserve them. I fuck up everything. It's just. What I do. [31 Aug 2005|12:20pm] [ mood | no ] [ music | johnny thunders- it's not enough ] Endgame. [31 Aug 2005|12:24pm] [ mood | braxy ] Completely alone. [31 Aug 2005|12:30pm] Somebody fucking email me. 4 comments [31 Aug 2005|01:12pm] [ mood | help me ] Rachael's mom calls me. The conversation is not pleasant. Says I'm a fool to be with her. That I failed her. & that I deserve what I get. 1 comment |
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