Forum Overview :: Deleted Posts :: August 31: Endgame.

[quote name="mark"]<b>[31 Aug 2005|03:22am]</b> She's crying in the bathroom. Once again, I have failed her. <b>[31 Aug 2005|03:24am]</b> <b>[ mood | hopeless, alone ]</b> <b>[ music | mogwai- r u still in 2 it ]</b> She thinks my heart belongs to Ashely. She saw the filtered posts (said they would not make her angry but that concealing them would & so I decided, as always, to trust her) & went to pieces. I'd decided to throw everything out. All things Ashley. & told Rachael so. But because of loyalty to, if nothing else, the idea of loyalty itself (how misguided) I said (in said filtered posts) no never I will never excise the wound of her. I stood up in full paladin. & then changed my mind. Obviously. But one week ago I said I would never throw anything out & that I would never have anything bad to say about Ashley. I still don't understand. & here we are now. R says this is what a heart sounds like when it's breaking. & holds my hand to her chest. & then moves to the bathroom to weep. Comes out weeping. Thows dishes in the kitchen. Then hits me because I won't move out of her way. Hits me. Again. Again. then she knocks over the painting I did of her. All six feet of it. & begins jumping on it screaming that she hopes it's destroyed. That's when my heart broke. I don't think it sounded like anything. & it just all seems like such a goddamn. I never even talk to Ashley. I don't talk to anyone but her. & what do I have to say now. Die alone. There's nothing else to do. 4 comments <b>ripped out of my chest</b> <b>[31 Aug 2005|03:47am]</b> <b>[ mood | a 12 hr. reunion ]</b> "I never want to see you again." <b>[31 Aug 2005|03:51am]</b> <b>[ mood | heartless ]</b> <b>[ music | ugly cassanova- diggin' holes ]</b> This is what I wrote today. I haven't, btw, slept in days. No matter how much I drink, I stay awake. & twitch. Her absence is the opposite of medicine. Her absence is permanent. I have a lucky shotgun shell. Just imagine the hermit crab that crawled into it. Perhaps not a crab. A slug. My heart slugged out through my eyes & into the shell. Loves it there. Happiness I wake up & the room is bright to the point Of glacial. Everything is hospital white. This is where I get better Right here This mark behind your shoulder That once a ghost laid his hand against & that now I press my lips to. <b>[31 Aug 2005|04:07am]</b> <b>[ mood | kill it all ]</b> "Fuck off never call me again. Wish I'd never met you." & I think, you know, you're all that I ever wanted. Just to wake to you. Would have been more than enough. My life was based on the snarl of your hair in the sink. <b>[31 Aug 2005|04:11am]</b> <b>[ mood | no marok liae ]</b> No more life. <b>[31 Aug 2005|04:27am]</b> <b>[ mood | snarl ]</b> Wish I was dead. 4 comments <b>[31 Aug 2005|04:45am]</b> Doesn't matter if it makes sense. I'm fucking serious. It's my fault. I deserve it all. & she deserves far better than me. 3 comments <b>[31 Aug 2005|11:50am]</b> <b>[ mood | remote ]</b> <b>[ music | nin- now i'm nothing ]</b> My poor painting. 1 comment <b>[31 Aug 2005|11:57am]</b> <b>[ mood | give up ]</b> <b>[ music | sonic youth- schizophrenia ]</b> I think secretly I wanted her to keep hitting me. Wanted her to use the frying pan instead of throwing it. Wanted to be a bloody wreck. I will never hit you. So hit me. So fucking hit me. This is my version of fury. Let me bleed. pins & needles <b>[31 Aug 2005|12:15pm]</b> <b>[ mood | i can't feel ]</b> <b>[ music | pleasure thieves- tapewormer ]</b> Another vodka breakfast. Thanks for all your kind thoughts. But believe me. I don't deserve them. I fuck up everything. It's just. What I do. <b>[31 Aug 2005|12:20pm]</b> <b>[ mood | no ]</b> <b>[ music | johnny thunders- it's not enough ]</b> Endgame. <b>[31 Aug 2005|12:24pm]</b> <b>[ mood | braxy ]</b> Completely alone. <b>[31 Aug 2005|12:30pm]</b> Somebody fucking email me. 4 comments <b>[31 Aug 2005|01:12pm]</b> <b>[ mood | help me ]</b> Rachael's mom calls me. The conversation is not pleasant. Says I'm a fool to be with her. That I failed her. & that I deserve what I get. 1 comment[/quote]