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| July 15th-19th by mark 08/18/2005, 5:08pm PDT | ||||
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| [15 Jul 2005|09:06pm]
I've cried myself dry. [15 Jul 2005|02:29pm] I have a theory. You know how poets are always seducing a goddess, then bragging about it, then getting pinned to wheels of flame? This is just a modern variation. I was so happy, I offended God. I was so happy Rachael. Because you made me so. You were the only religion I ever really had. You were the only thing I ever really believed in. You were my idea of heaven & whether another one exists at all, even here, on the vege of death, couldn't matter less to me. I don't care if there's a heaven. The only heaven that matters is the room with you in it. 1 comment| [15 Jul 2005|01:52pm] The only one it ever wanted to. [15 Jul 2005|01:49pm] Hold on so you can say goodbye to her. But I can't hold onto anything. I can't make my body listen. But then, you were the only one my body ever listened to... [16 Jul 2005|10:23am] Forgetting things. 2 comments| [16 Jul 2005|01:23am] [ mood | rachael ] I'm sorry I'm so fucking sorry. 1 comment| [16 Jul 2005|01:22am] I can't lift my left arm. [17 Jul 2005|10:00pm] [ mood | final ] [ music | elf power- vainly clutching at my phantom limbs ] I love you Rachael. 2 comments| [17 Jul 2005|09:30pm] Someone asked what water buffalo sound like & I snarled "just stick a fucking microphone into a special ed class" & I mean I knew that part of me is still. Well. There. But for how much longer. I really wanted a son. & a daughter. But your God is a faggot bitch from hell. [17 Jul 2005|08:50pm] [ mood | three guesses ] [ music | the wrens- this is not what you had planned ] I've started drafting my will. 3 comments| [17 Jul 2005|06:25pm] [ mood | i'm always crying ] I don't think I'll ever see her again. I want to hold on- God I want to get better. But every card from the Tarot's a little darker than the last. Every day I wake up a little less myself. My left leg is beginning to buckle (& spasm). I expect to fall every time I take a step. & my face. There is something wrong with my face. More than was wrong with it before even! I loved her my entire adult life. & my only regret is that I didn't spend that life- every moment of it- with her. My entire life. She was my first real thought. She was always my best. I know that she will be my last. [17 Jul 2005|06:22pm] I cry silently through dinner. No one says anything to me. I go downstairs (I limp downstairs) & call you but I only hear the Italian ringtones which sound kind of like comical police chases to me. Except heartbreaking. Except. [17 Jul 2005|12:58pm] [ mood | i miss you ] [ music | spiritualized- anyway that you want me ] I am Jack's formal complaint. [19 Jul 2005|12:12pm] [ mood | anguish ] you were the great love of my life. don't ever forget it. you are the reason i want to live. even if i can't. i don't think anyone could have been happier than us. & if there's a heaven after all. please know it won't be heaven at all. until you're there with me. but i hope you live forever. passionately & fully & perfectly. like the two of us when kissing. [19 Jul 2005|11:56am] It's time to say goodbye. 3 comments| [19 Jul 2005|08:17am] I was hoping I could stay sane for at least a week. But it's obviously not to be. I'm now losing it completely. Shivering & muttering & walking in circles. Come home now. Please. Come home. Rachael. I'm not going to be me in a week. Please!!! 9 comments| [19 Jul 2005|01:56am] Now. [19 Jul 2005|01:27am] I need you now. [19 Jul 2005|01:25am] Today I started hallucinating. things i've done today [18 Jul 2005|04:12pm] Tried to pay for my gas three times. Said I'm not going to drink this cold do you have any in the freezer. Fell outside because my legs have betrayed me. Tried & failed to see a doctor. Ground my teeth into dust. Missed you. Missed me. 5 comments| |
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