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| July 26 - August 5 by mark 08/18/2005, 5:39pm PDT | ||||
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| When we last left Scribble, his girlfriend Rachael was about to come over to his house, having returned early from Italy likely due to his brain illness.
not exactly rap's mvp but not you know, entirely dissimilar [26 Jul 2005|11:35am] [ mood | lucky ] [ music | nikki & the corvettes- he's a mover ] The Black Clock's finally sending me my check. Bastards. Don't they know a dying writer has to get paid? Tests results still pending. But if all we have is now, well then for now, I have everything. & that will have to be enough. 3 comments fold your wings around me [27 Jul 2005|11:22am] [ mood | i look like a mutant? ] [ music | drive by truckers- danko_manuel ] [editor's note: this post contains the first of many pictures of Scribble and Rachael. I will find somewhere to store these so that we can all laugh at them] Hope. 23 comments last chance for a slow dance [28 Jul 2005|05:25pm] [ mood | i miss clarity ] I don't know if I'll be updating much anymore. I've been trying for hours & I just don't recognize myself in anything I've written. Everything feels like... an impersonation. Or worse. Not a failure of nerve but a failure of self. What can I say. I think I used up the last of my coherence writing how much I love her, how much I missed her. But if so at least I know I used it well. I'm afraid the darkness is closing in. She was my first real thought. But I can barely think at all. My brain is just. Wasting away. Total confusion. Moving with difficulty if at all. I can't remember. Anything. I'd really hoped for a happier ending. But I can't pretend this isn't happening. I loved life. I loved Rachael. She was my life. & I loved all of life's accidental glory. But I am no longer a part of that glory. I am no longer myself in any way that matters. & I'd give anything to change that. To be myself again.... even for a day. To be able to not just tell you I love but to show you. To be capable again. To be full to the brim. To know grace & to have it. To know what I want to say & to be able. To be the man that you deserve. To walk without falling. To have intent & expression. To have all my extravagant ability at beck & call & all of it for you. Or even to have a fraction of it. To return to how I was a week ago. Two weeks ago. I'd do anything. 2 comments send in the clowns [29 Jul 2005|12:16am] Rachael was in a car accident- a bad one- & she called to tell me that she was all right but you could also hear that she was all fucked up & so I gathered the scraps of my head & went into full on save the princess mode rushing out with aloe vera & stopping to grab the beach because she loves that movie plus the de rigueur chick flick why not & then to the chocolate shop run by a family of loveable midgets (I shit you not) but there aren't any chocolate covered raspberries so that & that & that & that lots of dark chocolate & fruit & why not grab a bottle of raspberry wine grab a dozen roses aspirin cough drops she likes that bottlecap candy why not grab a citiweekly why not grab four peach ice teas & some bug juice etc etc to the nth & then some & it's funny because as fucked up as I am I can feel what's left of my mind trying to well trying to rally because I have to protect the girl have to protect the castle protect the girl it's funny because even if only for a little while everything makes perfect sense & I am exactly what I am supposed to be. 2 comments you call yourself a hero? [29 Jul 2005|12:28am] [ music | she's the sweetest medicine ever ] Then I began convulsing & I couldn't breath & it felt like my stomach was full of battery acid & I was grabbing at my throat & twitching- it was like I'd been shot. The girl I'd come to take care of, ended up taking care of me. "Honey I'm just going to wear that golden mask that's on the skull & then everyone will think I'm the skull! Honey I'll just hide in the fireplace. Honey I can make fire sounds. Honey honey honey. The light on the ceiling looks like spider webs. Honey let's not go to the hopsital. Let's go the Bellagio. Honey I want to wear the mask at the Bellagio. Masked Crippled Plays Blackjack. Honey it's a famous painting. It's a modern masterpiece." "Honey do I have to get you some let's not go to the hospital flowers? Honey? Honey?" I love you. [29 Jul 2005|12:49am] Happiness is hearing her laugh. [29 Jul 2005|12:50am] She saved me tonight. But she also found out exactly how indifferent my family is. Because she called my Father. & well. What can I say. I called my Dad crying earlier in the day. He called back later to ask about refrigerator parts. Seriously. The message is still on my phone. I am no longer asking for their help. When I'm with her I'm still sick but I'm never only sick. I'm also happy. I'm also in love & feeling lucky as a set of pearl inlayed pistols. When I'm with her. I'm still me. [29 Jul 2005|01:19am] I could sleep if only my body would stop trembling. If only this sickness would if not stop at least slow down. I just want more time. I need more time. Please. [29 Jul 2005|05:05pm] [ mood | ya heard ] Slowdive bootlegs cause cancer. 3 comments [29 Jul 2005|05:07pm] Plus at the hospital today after buying Rachael a mood ring I came up with the idea of mood condoms no strike that commitment condoms. Make sure to have a chart beside your bed! Ranging from "he's so not calling you" to "Hit that shit- this guy is rich. I plan a similar sexual health sideline. "You say you're clean but according to the chart? Herpes." 2 comments [29 Jul 2005|05:09pm] [ mood | heartsick ] Plus I can't breathe. 'honey, this waterbottle's broken. it's full of vodka!' [31 Jul 2005|02:30am] [ mood | fuck death ] [ music | death cab for cutie- title track ] & then from out of nowhere a perfect night! Yes with the terror of what movie did we see three days? & so on. But regardless. Feel so alive that it almost hurts. The way it must hurt when you feel alive for the first time. Watched "The Notebook" & wept drank some damnable French wine & when I kissed you it was like the first permission ever given. & then & then & then. As though we'd come through a great storm & were finally together, again. Take it C! And he woke up alone in the other world, and he was walking down a familiar street, and it had been raining all night, and the boughs of the trees were black and heavey, and the first cars of the morning passed, with their tires hissing over the blacktop, and under his feet he felt the pavement slither, a carpet of petals battered down by the raindrops, and each puddle swirled with a slick of green-gold pollen, and though he couldn't remember how or when it happened, his heart had been spilled, and at its quick was planted a wet seed that he'd never know before, and it was spring. Craig Arnold- from "Hymn to Persephone" (pity poor Pindar, fucked over by women) which is from his forthcoming book "Made Flesh" which (it's as close I'm going to come to publication, fuck off) in case I haven't mentioned I'm listed in the acknowledgements of (& if I have mentioned, see previous parenthetical). Someone had to edit the fucking thing! Though "editing" in this case mostly consisted of getting drunk & no. Just that really. Getting drunk! In which case you have to admit, I edited the hell out of the fucking thing. "No one else has ever made me feel so completely within my own skin. & full to the brim." Love you Rachael C. Quinn. old songs are new! i don't remember! new lamps for old! fuck off & glisten [31 Jul 2005|02:54am] [ mood | we want m! ] [ music | the same song! or is it? ] Also think I'm placing that quote as my new lj bio. Other modifications: new journal title! "Mental Cripple Detective Agency-" no one can say I don't have a sense of humor about this! New lj interest! "Slow-dancing to fast songs." & you know, just for the record, I'm kind of partial to Noah Aidenn Swensen. When she says my middle name? I swoon. "no more dying." [31 Jul 2005|03:01am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | it's avril lavigne & you can just shut up, k? ] When I'm with her I remember- it's not enough to simply breathe. You have to live. As long as you're given the grace to do so. When I'm with her I rememeber- joy. Well what the hell. I have no good news medically. But I'm not going to say "if I recover, we'll winter in Rome." I'm just going to say, that's what we'll do. I'm scared. But you can be scared & still have hope. 2 comments [01 Aug 2005|07:05pm] Crying. [02 Aug 2005|04:13am] [ mood | just marry me ] [ music | nine inch nails- ruiner ] What use are these eyes, if I can't see you. What use these hands... if I can't touch you. Don't you understand? If I wasn't sick. & you didn't want to be with me. For the rest of your life. Then I would wish I was. There is no such thing as healthy without you. There just isn't!!! It is you or no one. That's the choice I've made in my lfe. That is the best choice I ever made. But every night ends with you telling me you never want to see me again. When all I want to do is see you. When I want to see you. Forever. I just dropped you off. & yet I feel like saying. I so feel like saying. Please come home. [02 Aug 2005|02:04pm] [ mood | pernod ] Said goodbye to Steve today. I wept like a fucking kid. [04 Aug 2005|09:59am] [ mood | i want to fly... away.. ] [ music | willie nelson- you were always on my mind ] Down to three hours of sleep a night. Nothing's going to stop this. Nothing. Not even all the love in the world- which I was lucky enough, in this life, to have. Rachael will be here soon. & then it's off to the hospital. Take care of yourselves kids. My girlfriend is taking ridiculously good care of me- just not posting about it a lot (& not going to be) because we're trying to deal with this with a little bit of dignity & privacy. Hope you can all understand. All my best (& worst if you were into that side of things) to you & yours. 21 comments [05 Aug 2005|01:24pm] [ mood | plain & simple ] Happiness. 3 comments [05 Aug 2005|08:51pm] [ mood | i'm a soldier ] [ music | m.i.a.- arular ] Need a shirt that says what would Dylan Thomas do. 4 comments |
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