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| August 2004 by four20 09/27/2004, 4:18pm PDT | ||||
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| August 3, 2004:
Last night, I told Laura that she's a pest, that I wish I never met her and also pointed out the things that I hate about her. It wasn't really an argument because I never raised my voice or said mean things to her. Yes, I joke around and call her things like "dirty" or "slut" but those are terms of endearment. Last night wasn't the time for jokes like that. When I told her that she's a pest and an out of control drinker, I wasn't joking. We argued like a married couple. I've never been so exhausted. I kind of did this in front of other people (so she won't cause a scene); it ended up being private. I really hate her, I don't think I have venom for anyone the way I have for her. Yet, its a doubleedge sword, as much as I dislike her, she really has no friends, is depressed 24/7 and an alcoholic; in light of that, I shouldn't hate her. She's such a downer. I mean, she exhausts me because she's so negative and talks about problems all the time. She drinks all my beer and almost looks like she's going to cry when she raids my fridge and ransacks my room. She pouted, apologized profusely and agreed with me on all the reasons why I hate her. I've never met someone so manipulative and sociopathic! She said that she knows, she's really depressive and that when around me she'll try to not be like that anymore. Laura said she cares about me and that she hopes I'll forgive her (I don't have a grudge). It's like she has some shield that keeps me from lashing out at her. Anyone else, would have been told to FUCK OFF and stay the fuck away from me. Actually, I insult her a lot; its simply the result of all the pent up frustration with her craziness that routinely comes out. Yet, she shrugs it off like I said nothing. Right now, there's parity in the sense that she hasn't been able to manipulate me (she tried to seduce me on Thursday but it didn't work). Yes, I say mean things to her but she ends up saying that I'm right and gives that about to cry look. Its not that I'm intolerant. But I can't spend all my time trying to cheer someone up. She's so depressed and negative that it makes me feel like that too. ITS TOO FUCKING EXHAUSTING! She's like that character in the Flintstones who was followed by a raining cloud where ever he went. I wish she'd stay the fuck away from me but I feel bad about that because she told me that I'm the only one that forces her to confront the error of her ways. The only problem is that there might be the appearance (to her) that I'm soft and that I'll be her friend regardless. In a heart beat, I can be cold and ruthless. Its just that I don't think I have that in me anymore. Why does she do this? I really feel that I'm the victim. August 10, 2004: Last week, I decided that it was no longer worth the torture of trying to pass my sociology class. The point of no return was crossed at least a month and a half ago; an eleventh hour effort was nothing more than an excercise in futility. Being someone that has always been sentenced to hang academically, I never hung. Well, my ways have finally caught up with me. So, I guess I won't be graduating. I'll be one credit short of my degree. Sometimes when we suffer a defeat, we think that all is ended; not really, it is only a beginning. Well, now I am faced with finding one credit to take (preferably 2 halfs that I can do in half a term). That way, I'll be out by December. I also have to find work, apply for student aid and find a place to live. I'll make the best of this and take a credit that will enhance my expertise in my major. Perhaps this is something I really wanted... I mean it is the one final deferrment to having my degree and being an adult. The only promblem is how do I explain this my folks. There was already an understanding that I'll be cut off if this happened. August 10, 2004 (title: "An email I sent to Laura"): Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 08:44:22 -0400 (EDT) From: Laura To: Johannes Subject: Re: hey GO TO HELL! Don't EVER email me again! Johannes wrote: Hey Laura, I wish you were here tonight (i.e. Monday) cause I wanted to show your ass and mouth some "good times" with my cock. Yeah, I wanted to do it on Thursday when you were drunk and sleeping... Fuck: you come into my room and drink all my beer, sleep, get a toothbrush, q-tips, manipulate, tease and don't put out! You're a bitch slut nerd drunk! Now, I would never say anything like that to a girl nor would I trash a girl that way. Its just that I felt the need to use harsh language. After all, I'm the victim. I think I've gotten rid of her now. I hope she doesn't go psycho when she sees me. August 11, 2004: I'm studying for my American Lit test/exam tommorow. I'm sitting at my desk with music playing softly. Jenny is asleep on my bed. Its cool, we hang out often and since there's no romantic spark between us, its comfortable for both of us. She's only here for 11 more days before she returns to Richmond VA. I mentioned to her a latin quote from the poet Virgil: "Optima dies, prima fugit". In English, it means: The best days are the first to flee. August 12, 2004: Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 05:24:37 -0400 From: Johannes To: Laura Subject: your shirt etc. Hey Laura, Some stuff of yours got mixed into my shirt. Your "I Play Boys" shirt, Calvin Klein underwear, and a sock were fell out of my shirt. I'll put them aside for you to pick up sometime. Last night, Laura called and accepted my apology for my stupid, vile and mean e-mail. She explained that she didn't "blow me off" (her words) when she cancelled our night out (to watch a movie) before she moved out (last night). She's only here till this week because her summer job is finished, she's going home (in the suburbs) before beginning a 6 month trip to England, Australia, Cuba et cetra where she'll be scuba diving. She's a certified "Dive Master" and will be recording more dives on her log. We didn't have our date on Monday because a diving student of her's was killed in a boating accident at Lake Simcoe. The student had risen to the surface and was hit by a speeding boat. I saw it on the news on Sunday. On Monday, Laura wasn't feeling up to it, that's why she cancelled our date. She's always away (diving) on weekends, so I thought that we were going to begin were we left off on Thursday (when she slept in my room). I'm not a mind reader, but that morning, she told me that I didn't have to sleep on the bed. She shaved her legs, took a shower and hopped in my bed waiting for me to get back from a 3AM dinner in Chinatown with my best friend. She was flirting and joking (in front of my friend) that we were going to sleep together that night. When I got back, she was out cold (from drinking) so I just covered her with my sheets and slept on my sitting chair with a pillow behind my head. So on Monday, after having drinks with friends, when I got back and was thinking how her and I would have been in bed, I wrote that email. She came into my room to say goodbye, (with Jenny on my bed) and returned my pillow, blanket and rugby shirt she borrowed. She gave me a hug, smiled and said "it was interesting", I responded with a smile "good times". I told her to get in touch with me when she's in town after her trip. I said bye one last time before she walked away. Like something from a movie, The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" was playing the whole time during our goodbye. Yeah, its bittersweet. I mean, I was tormented by her, but in the end she grew on me and I'll miss having her around to annoy me; she's also someone that I loved to tease relentlessly. Later that night, while picking up my shirt to put in the hamper, a Calvin Klein thong underwear fell out, along with a small girls shirt with the Playboy bunny logo and "I Play Boys" slogan and a single black sock. Jenny saw it and said that was probably intentional. I don't think so. Then again, she always joked around that when she leaves she'll leave me a thong of hers. August 15, 2004: My summer vacation starts tommorow! As soon as I hand in my English Lit paper to the Illustrious Dcotor Professor Ella Ofir, the most wholesomely beautiful Academican and sweetheart of the highest stature! Technically, even though I'm taking summer school, it's been like a vacation anyway--- that's why I'm not graduating. At least the worse case scenario is that I'll get Academic Probation but even with completely failing one class, I have high enough marks on my record that it looks like I'll probably slip that noose. Jenny is sleeping on my bed right now. We just went for a Sunday walk to get coffee (for me) and bubble tea (for her) and sat on a bench at Bloor and Brunswick watching people walk by. She was hungry so we got some Middle Eastern vegetarian food from Ghazale and found a park and picnic table. Unfortunately, all most all of the boys she's met (including my best friend) have all been "interested" in her; As a result, its been awkward because she's had no one to hang out with because they all want her in bed. Yes, she's pretty, but she's not the kind of girl that I'm attracted too. While walking earlier, men at sidewalk patios would all be looking at her. She goes back to Richmond VA, on Saturday and wants me to show her Toronto and do some fun low budget stuff. I'm thinking of doing: Kengsington Market, Littly Italy, Greektown, riding our bikes and taking photos, the beach and the Exhibition (a local carnival). August 19, 2004: I went to the CN tower with Shannon (a girl from my English class) this afternoon. Afterwards, we went walking on Bloor St (Annex area), looked in various shops (she bought a book), had iced cappucino and sat on a bench. She's shy and rather prudish. There's nothing wrong with that. But I couldn't get her laughing and blushing. It was cause my mind is elsewhere, I'm DEPRESSED! I've hardly eaten, haven't slept long and people have told me I have a blank look. August 21, 2004: As I write this, Jenny is on the way to the airport. She's on the way to Wisconsin to meet family before she returns to Virginia. Good byes are hard. She was in tears for much of the morning. I thought I might break out in tears myself. I called her a taxi (paid the driver too). Getting in to the taxi was the worst part for her. I told her that I don't want her to cry. I'm grateful for befriending her and for her extending her hand in friendship towards me. I told her, in my memories of the Summer of 2004, her name will have an asterisk beside it because she's special in that we have a profound friendship. Right before the taxi came, I told her its not really a goodbye in that its only a beginning. We talked how its true that unlikely friendships do become ones of a profound nature. I'll probably visit her in Virginia (along with my best friend who also became close to her) sometime. I know we'll keep in touch (phone & email). She's coming back to Toronto in December and asked if we can be roomates. August 21, 2004, #2: Who wants to hang out with me tonight? Mirth, merryment and revelry guaranteed! C'mon! Don't be shy or be a stranger! (416) XXX-XXXX August 22, 2004 The goodbye to Jenny affected me more than I thought it would. As the taxi drove away, I she turned around, cyring and waved to me just like we were in some movie. I was thinking about her that afternoon. She txt messaged me something criptic; the message was "U 2" perhaps it was from something I said to her... Anyway, she called me this morning from Milwaukee Wisconsin to say hi again. August 23, 2004 After a tireless one day search for housing, I found a place to live in September! I saw an ad posted throughout the campus. I called--- within two hours I called the lady and checked the place out. Its a house with 6 rooms for rent, the washrooms, livingroom and kitchen are shared. The prior tenants were students too. The house has a "party house" kind of feel. Since I was the first one there, I got the best and biggest room. I immediately called a friend and told him to take a look himself. He's getting a room there too. I told the landlady that we'd prefer if she only rent out to girls since there are two boys who will be living there. Of course, it'll be like a reality show, because anytime you have strangers living in close quarters, you get drama. I move in on September 1st. I'll be living at [actual street name]. Its one and a half blocks south of College Street. Just around a corner from Sneaky Dee's, 15 min walk to the Dance Cave, 15 min to Campus and 4 minutes to the Beer Store! When I move in and am settled, I'm going to have a "moving in" BASH! Oh, I forgot to mention that my room is mammoth! August 25, 2004 I handed out three resumes today. The first was at BBQs (a eatery), the second at Pita Pit (pita sandwiches) and the third at Peel Pub (a bar/eatery). I rolled on my bike towards employees taking a smoking break at the back of Peel Pub and asked if they were looking for a "Bus Boy". They called down the manager and he looked over my embellished resume and said that he has to talk it over with the other owners and I could probably start next week. I'll be clearing tables, mopping, odd jobs and replenishing the bar. The thing is, I have no clue how to tap beer kegs and how to be a "bar back". So, I'll have to get my best friend to show me the ropes at the bar where he works. I really want this job, I love the lifestyle of working at a bar. The employees fraternize and have fun on and off the job. Also, I'll get to work in a fun place and also get "tip outs" from the waitresses and bartender for supporting their operations. Allison, (a girl from my summer lit class) called me tonight. She was inviting me out to a friend's place for drinks. I saw her at the Dance Cave three weeks ago and gave her my phone number. The thing is, I can't. Instead, I told her that she can visit me at my new place when I'm settled. This week will be moving from the dorm to my folks, I'll probably do that on Friday because I need to move things to the new place on Saturday. I couldn't book a U-Haul Van next week. I called the landlady and asked if I can bring a desk (full size office), table (Ikea pine) bed, and gray 4 drawer filing cabinet (to be used for storage) to the place on Saturday. I might bring a Lazy-Boy recliner too. August 27, 2004 I got back to the residence at 6AM. I was out for drinks with my best friend and late night Chinatown. I was sitting on the steps of his building with my face in my hands because of severe intoxication. I said I'll be all right and will walk my bike home. He went up to his apartment to go to bed. I collasped on the lawn of his building (99 Bellvue). I had a hand on my bike while I slept on the grass. Luckily, nothing bad happened to me. I wonder why no passersby checked on my wellbeing. Or why the Firemen at the station across the street didn't notice someone on lying unconcious on their stomache (I guess they were sleeping). I woke up cause it was cold and rode my bike slowly (very stupid) back to the residence. I'm packing my personal effects today. I brought most of my things to my parents last night. I only have to pack the stuff on my walls, some clothes, toiletries and my computer. After today, I won't have internet access. I might check out tommorow morning... It depends. Its unfortunate, because I want to spend some time with some people here for our last night together but have to go home tonight to prep things that I'll move to the new place. I want to party but that's totally ruled out. |
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