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| GBA games suck by Mischief Maker 08/03/2003, 10:24pm PDT | ||||
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| Computerless and poor this summer, I bought a GBA because this advance wars game sounded really cool and I was intrigued by the concept of a handheld Super Nintendo.
Now the summer's nearly over and I've become a regular at the used-games-buying-selling place. Jesus Christ! Fabio is right, Advance Wars 2 kicks ungodly amounts of ass as it is, being in portable format is just the icing on the cake. But the other games fucking SUCK! I've only been going for super 5-star rated OMFG GREATEST GAME EVER!!!!!s reccomended by the reviewer whores and I've been disappointed every... single... time! Here's a sampling: Street Fighter Alpha 3: What do you get when you cram a 6-button fighting game into a 4-button system? Pain, my friends. Frustration and pain. The music is godawful and can't be switched off. The animation is really fluid (for the GBA, that is) but I suspect the reason the developers refused to compromise on that aspect is so every move the schoolgirl in the sailor moon outfit makes has at least one panties revealing frame. This adds an element of humiliation and creepiness to go along with the frustration of the game. The panties schoolgirl also has another schoolgirl as her evil archnemesis, only this girl wears biker shorts under her skirt! Boo Hiss! Gradius Galaxies: I forgot that Gradius games were this fucking SLOW. Cho Ren Sha 68K has truly ruined me for these types of games. Not to mention making maze levels that kill you if you pick the branch that leads to an off-screen dead end are gay. The music would have been considered shitty on the original NES. Super Mario World Advance: Here's a game that didn't age well. I remember getting the impression that this was some kind of huge freaking game when I was a little kid. I beat it and revealed most of the secrets over the course of a lazy Sunday afternoon. Too bad it cost me $30. Wario Ware This game kicks ass... for about 2-3 days. Once you uncover all the hidden games and start getting scores of 50+ the novelty wears off fast. Namco Museum: Pole Position on a pad? Golden Sun: MOTHERFUCK THIS GAME!!! Whoever decided every site on the internet should list this as the ultimate #1 must-have game for the GBA should have their testicles carefully severed so as to leave the ballsack intact so they can putrify inside their body and gradually over the course of several weeks cause their genitals to burst in a horrifying gangrene mess. It's bad enough that if the monster guy A's targetting gets killed by guy B, guy A will not attack another monster, making the tedious process of mugging monsters for gold and experience in the wilderness an intense chore of low-level strategizing. It's bad enough that the game's much touted puzzles and mazes would only befuddle someone who finds the "child" levels of lasertank tough. It's bad enough they made the game as gay as can goddamn be by including It's bad enough that this game has some of the least interesting characters in the world going through the same goddamn motions and same goddamn plot twists of every cartoon, movie, and video game since the invention of the cathode ray. But the designers of this game make it all ten times more excruciating by having FF2&3 style cutscenes that take 20 minutes ON AVERAGE. Are your characters sitting in the middle of a suddenly active volcano right next to the exit? Rest assured they'll take the time to sit there and gab about their options, argue for a bit, and engage in odious physical comedy, before one of them finally says, "Why are we sitting here arguing when we could escape before being burnt to a crisp by all this molten lava?" and then everyone takes their time to agree that escaping is the best course of action and you get to watch as they all escape ONE AT A TIME and then the last character makes a parting remark before leaving!!! This game has Soul Reaver 2 beat for unnecessary long-winded dialouge but lacks the decent voice acting that at least provides an excuse for adding all that talk. Now one might decide to be clever and set the speech to the fastest speed, but the designers rendered that moot by having animated emoticons float above characters' heads about 4-5 times per sentence to cue you in on the violent mood swings these otherwise cardboard characters go through (I should have named my main character Ryvar.) And even WORSE, every other sentence is a Yes/No question to your otherwise mute protagonist. And no, you never EVER have a choice when these questions are posed to you. "Gee, those blue-skinned evil guys with 80s metal-band hair are poking around our ancient magical shrine. I wonder if we should go inside, undo all the traps, and reveal the secret hidden power within? What do you think, Ryvar? (Yes/No?)" Just put the gameboy down and start weeping at this point. Other than rumors of a River City Ransom sequel in the works, are there ANY good games for the GBA other than Advance Wars 2? |
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