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| My first game of the newish year: Grand Theft Auto - The Lost and Damned by Dream Cast 03/18/2017, 2:12am PDT | ||||
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Initial impressions: I made a horrible mistake. I hate everything about this game. I hate the driving physics. I hate the stumbling around physics. I hate hammering a button to run. I hate the delay when I try to shoot something. I hate the animation in the cutscenes. I hate the writing in the cutscenes. I hate the stupid shit my character screams over and over again during missions. I hate having to eat hot dogs to get my health back. I hate having to visit a gun store to get my armor back. I hate paying tolls at the tollbooths. I hate commuting between missions. I hate doing the missions. I hate cover-based shootouts. I hate losing the cops. I hate how people and vehicles that aren't part of a mission will disappear if I take my eyes off them. I hate how people and vehicles that are part of a mission will appear out of thin air when it's time for them to bother me. I hate watching the engine struggle to keep models and textures and lights all loaded at the same time. I hate the obnoxious farting noise my fat American motorcycle makes. I hate the shitty classic rock station my radio resets to after every cutscene. I hate how the other bikers keep reminding me I'm a middle-aged Jewish man and I hate being a middle-aged Jewish man. I wish we were the kind of youthful 1950s outlaw biker gang who rode sensible bikes and dressed like village people unironically and listened to Jerry Lee Lewis and kept our Jewish heritage to ourselves. I wish instead of gun battles we had insane physics-driven sledgehammer fights like at the end of Streets of Fire - or we could just race each other on our fast, nimble bikes (but that might require a longer, straighter road than exists in Liberty City). I hate all the stupid fake names of everything in this simultaneously too-big and not-remotely-interesting fake city. I hate the satirical speeches and I hate the satirical advertisements and I hate satire in general now, too. The Royal Canadian Air Farce might as well call themselves The Lost and Damned for how likely I am to look up if they're still doing satire on the CBC or fuck maybe CBC Radio that sounds about their speed so I can seek it out and listen to it instead of continuing to avoid it like the fucking plague the way I have been successfully doing for decades now. My first impression of The Lost and Damned is it's The Royal Canadian Air Farce of shoving an Xbox controller so far up your ass you can't even tell if it's vibrating anymore. Hopefully it will get better towards the end. 90% Metacritic.  |
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My first game of the newish year: Grand Theft Auto - The Lost and Damned by 03/18/2017, 2:12am PDT  But you get a mission to kill Bill Burr! by 03/18/2017, 8:29pm PDT I hate satire and the reason is GTA games. by 03/18/2017, 9:39pm PDT It didn't get any better. by 03/20/2017, 8:40am PDT This completely ignores the arm wrestling mechanic by 03/21/2017, 5:17am PDT The Ballad of Gay Tony is a *little* better. by 04/01/2017, 10:54am PDT Going to try GTA V next? I think you'll love how they introduce Trevor NT by 04/01/2017, 4:21pm PDT Provided I don't run out of steam! I want to fit in Red Dead+DLC first, though. by 04/01/2017, 9:46pm PDT The Vectrex would start to flicker after like six reasonably-drawn cop cars, yea NT by 04/01/2017, 11:11pm PDT |
