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by Ray of Light 08/09/2004, 8:14pm PDT |
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[posted Wiki-style, without care for forum layout or precedent. Ray innovates again!]
This is the land of the free? I've been to dark places inside my own head and New Jersey, but this (waves hand) is the most depressing place on Earth. It could be the opposite of Disneyland, if not for the high prices, poor driving, omnipresent security cameras and rigid views on deviant sexuality.
It's four days ago. I'm in front of a customs agent, he's in front of a computer, while the three of us ponder my suitability to walk among His People. He wants to know what I do. I hate this question: I'm a man for our time, we live in complicated times, ergo my job is complicated. I give him the ten-word version, just like the loan officers hear. He squints to show he sees right through my cover, then presses for details.
(Looking past his shoulder, I see that the next agent over is a really fat white chick that grasps the mannerisms of sexy better than most models. She wrinkles her nose and brushes stray hairs and rolls her eyes at all the right times, vibing hey let's have sex! Or go drink or smoke a joint or whatever! I'm up for anything as long as you're nice! But especially sex!. Anyway, those girls are awesome.)
I launch into the Extended Job Description, which is what girls hear once I stop pretending I work at a car wash.
"OK, you have a computer there, right? It connects to a larger computer, somewhere, and that ..." His eyes have defocused. Jesus! Even the cokehead stripper with a BFA hung on longer than this tool. Irritated, I realize he's unworthy of a comprehensible lecture. I start over, slowly at first, and soon build to a singsong tempo of buzzwords and gibberish, delivered as smoothly and evenly as a marthoner's strides. I visualize my own bullshit as a tube sock full of verbal pennies, forcefully swung at the stupid goddamn look on his face. I feel like I could talk forever. I wish I had a whiteboard, or ten.
Minutes pass. I'm talking, still, and tapping my foot in time with the words, when he raises his palms. "OK, OK. I'll need you to step in there." There is a room with a counter, a clock and three rows of seating. It looks like someone has tucked the world's smallest airport inside a real airport.
The tool behind the counter asks me to have a seat and wait. We're alone. I sit and stare while he asserts dominance. He looks up with a litany of questions: when was I last here? when did I last fly? how much money do I make? how much room is on my credit cards? can he see my wallet? When his shadowy masters finish tallying the risks and rewards of letting me in, the news is good and he sends me on my way. As I turn to leave, I ask him when last he walked barefoot outside his own property.
He smirks. "You're all set, sir, thank-you for your patience.!" There's no punctuation mark for the tone that ends his sentence: it's the sound of ordinary speech twisted into a command. "Move Your Car, Please.!" "What time is it.!" "I'll have the Happy Meal.!" "That feels good now lick my balls.!"
How does a man like that get dates? Maybe they're assigned by his supervisor.
So that was the first hour. Since then, it's endless bunker-like offices; unironic tuning of public televisions to Fox News; miilitary-style, space-free license plates; gay sign in my hotel room, "if you smoke, a charge of $75 will be applied to your account." Passive voice, of course, like it's the charge's fault, like you'll smile ruefully and exclaim, "those darn Charges of $75! Up to no good again!" . After nearly a week here, I can understand the DC Sniper: this is occupied territory. He wasn't sniping, he was resisting.
Virginia, that's the girl that pretends to like you so you'll join her prayer group. The one who tells her teachers, in passing, on everyone who's badmouthed them. Who smells like disinfectant and turns up her nose at your ratty Chuck Taylors and touts her virginity before going home to masturbate atop a Union-made appliance. They say Virginia is for Lovers, implying that even lovers should be Virginal.
No, no, NO, Virginia, fuck you, lovers have no business in your pre-apocalyptic wastelands. Virginia is for Fuckers. I want to go home.
Ray!
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I am drunk. by Zseni 08/06/2004, 9:02pm PDT 
Could you blog somewhere else? by Worm 08/06/2004, 9:41pm PDT 
Re: Could you blog somewhere else? by Chairman Mao 08/07/2004, 11:12am PDT 
Re: Could you blog somewhere else? by wherever 08/07/2004, 5:00pm PDT 
All the alcohol is being absorbed by your fat NT by Just an observation 08/06/2004, 10:38pm PDT 
Re: All the alcohol is being absorbed by your fat by Zseni 08/07/2004, 4:56am PDT 
I was drunk last night, too. by I need clarification 08/07/2004, 10:00am PDT 
Welcome to the club! OH WOW ALCOHOL! NT by Tycho 08/07/2004, 3:05pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by William H. Hayt, Jr. 08/07/2004, 3:44pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Zseni 08/07/2004, 5:59pm PDT 
But your I'm drunk post... by Oblong 08/07/2004, 7:03pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by DeadDogBuried 08/07/2004, 7:11pm PDT 
I didn't write that. The drinking, I take it? by Bill Dungsroman 08/07/2004, 7:15pm PDT 
pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by whydirt 08/07/2004, 8:46pm PDT 
Re: pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by Bill Dungsroman 08/07/2004, 10:15pm PDT 
Re: pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by Zseni 08/08/2004, 10:06am PDT 
Re: pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by Bill Dungsroman 08/08/2004, 5:34pm PDT 
Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Zseni 08/08/2004, 5:52pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 6:08pm PDT 
Damn you're a cum-dumpster of unoriginality. by Ormus 08/08/2004, 6:43pm PDT 
You used "sko" like you were Zseni. Way to bite her style, Creepo. NT by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 7:05pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Worm 08/08/2004, 6:52pm PDT 
Pretend the missing 's' and the unnecessary space aren't there. Thanks. NT by Worm 08/08/2004, 6:54pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/08/2004, 8:57pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Zseni 08/09/2004, 4:08am PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by wherever 08/09/2004, 1:43pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/09/2004, 11:20pm PDT 
Here I am again! by Fussbett 08/10/2004, 6:36pm PDT 
Re: Here I am again! by Bill Dungsroman 08/10/2004, 10:36pm PDT 
Get the FUCK off me! NT by Fussbett's high horse 08/10/2004, 11:05pm PDT 
Leisuretown was suppose to be my breakout thread by Pieter 08/11/2004, 12:52am PDT 
For the record, I used to share the AIM love with you. by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 2:31am PDT 
INC to BDR: "And I faked all my orgasms, too!" by Bill Dungsroman 08/11/2004, 2:43am PDT 
Re: INC to BDR: "And I faked all my orgasms, too!" by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 2:47am PDT 
People - please, please, we're losing the point here. by Kthor 08/11/2004, 8:04am PDT 
Re: People - please, please, we're losing the point here. by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 12:15pm PDT 
Me :( by curst 08/12/2004, 1:48pm PDT 
Re: Here I am again! by laudablepuss 08/11/2004, 6:02pm PDT 
ON MY OWN! GOiN Down the only road I've ever known! like a drifter I was born t NT by whydirt 08/11/2004, 9:00pm PDT 
This is a very pedantic post. by Fussbett 08/11/2004, 8:52pm PDT 
Thanks for the warning. by Bill Dungsroman 08/12/2004, 10:46am PDT 
Yeah! by Fussbett 08/12/2004, 6:20pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Zseni 08/11/2004, 5:34pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/11/2004, 8:20pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 8:39pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/12/2004, 10:43am PDT 
Re: something or other by Hairsplitter 08/10/2004, 12:06am PDT 
BDR's Brawl Hall article ranks highly by Entropy Stew 08/10/2004, 12:14am PDT 
See? by I need clarification 08/10/2004, 12:46am PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by corax 08/09/2004, 6:54pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/09/2004, 7:06pm PDT 
Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by I need clarification 08/09/2004, 7:48pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by William H. Hayt, Jr. 08/08/2004, 12:05am PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Zseni 08/08/2004, 10:09am PDT 
You're really boring. I regret I read any of that. :( NT by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 12:34pm PDT 
Mwaah! NT by Inc's Lips on Zseni's rotund ass 08/08/2004, 12:38pm PDT 
YEAH NO TELLING THE TRUTH ALLOWED NT by CaltropsPostersUniteAgainstZseni 08/08/2004, 2:37pm PDT 
ROFL by Truth Telling? 08/08/2004, 3:40pm PDT 
LOL! ROFLMAO!!! NT by Internet laughing guy 08/08/2004, 6:24pm PDT 
You're right, that was a great post. I hope BILL posts a lot more (for you). :) NT by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 3:35pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Fullofkittens 08/07/2004, 5:28pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Truth Telling? 08/08/2004, 4:10pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 6:01pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 6:07pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 6:10pm PDT 
Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 7:13pm PDT 
LOGGINSNOWPLZKTHX. by Chairman Dorkface 08/08/2004, 8:20pm PDT 
Re: LOGGINSNOWPLZKTHX. by Vverner Von Monocle 08/08/2004, 11:06pm PDT 
HeylookanotherTrainwreckZsenithreadhownice by Entropy Stew 08/09/2004, 4:16pm PDT 
SHORT REVIEW: Northern Virginia by Ray of Light 08/09/2004, 8:14pm PDT 
I'm an n-tiered systems protagonist by Entropy Stew 08/09/2004, 8:46pm PDT 
Re: I'm an n-tiered systems protagonist by whydirt 08/09/2004, 9:21pm PDT 
DECLAROBANG NT by Indefenestrable Stew 08/11/2004, 3:14am PDT 
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