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SHORT REVIEW: Northern Virginia by Ray of Light 08/09/2004, 8:14pm PDT
[posted Wiki-style, without care for forum layout or precedent. Ray innovates again!]

This is the land of the free? I've been to dark places inside my own head and New Jersey, but this (waves hand) is the most depressing place on Earth. It could be the opposite of Disneyland, if not for the high prices, poor driving, omnipresent security cameras and rigid views on deviant sexuality.

It's four days ago. I'm in front of a customs agent, he's in front of a computer, while the three of us ponder my suitability to walk among His People. He wants to know what I do. I hate this question: I'm a man for our time, we live in complicated times, ergo my job is complicated. I give him the ten-word version, just like the loan officers hear. He squints to show he sees right through my cover, then presses for details.

(Looking past his shoulder, I see that the next agent over is a really fat white chick that grasps the mannerisms of sexy better than most models. She wrinkles her nose and brushes stray hairs and rolls her eyes at all the right times, vibing hey let's have sex! Or go drink or smoke a joint or whatever! I'm up for anything as long as you're nice! But especially sex!. Anyway, those girls are awesome.)

I launch into the Extended Job Description, which is what girls hear once I stop pretending I work at a car wash.

"OK, you have a computer there, right? It connects to a larger computer, somewhere, and that ..." His eyes have defocused. Jesus! Even the cokehead stripper with a BFA hung on longer than this tool. Irritated, I realize he's unworthy of a comprehensible lecture. I start over, slowly at first, and soon build to a singsong tempo of buzzwords and gibberish, delivered as smoothly and evenly as a marthoner's strides. I visualize my own bullshit as a tube sock full of verbal pennies, forcefully swung at the stupid goddamn look on his face. I feel like I could talk forever. I wish I had a whiteboard, or ten.

Minutes pass. I'm talking, still, and tapping my foot in time with the words, when he raises his palms. "OK, OK. I'll need you to step in there." There is a room with a counter, a clock and three rows of seating. It looks like someone has tucked the world's smallest airport inside a real airport.

The tool behind the counter asks me to have a seat and wait. We're alone. I sit and stare while he asserts dominance. He looks up with a litany of questions: when was I last here? when did I last fly? how much money do I make? how much room is on my credit cards? can he see my wallet? When his shadowy masters finish tallying the risks and rewards of letting me in, the news is good and he sends me on my way. As I turn to leave, I ask him when last he walked barefoot outside his own property.

He smirks. "You're all set, sir, thank-you for your patience.!" There's no punctuation mark for the tone that ends his sentence: it's the sound of ordinary speech twisted into a command. "Move Your Car, Please.!"   "What time is it.!"   "I'll have the Happy Meal.!"   "That feels good now lick my balls.!"

How does a man like that get dates? Maybe they're assigned by his supervisor.

So that was the first hour. Since then, it's endless bunker-like offices; unironic tuning of public televisions to Fox News; miilitary-style, space-free license plates; gay sign in my hotel room, "if you smoke, a charge of $75 will be applied to your account." Passive voice, of course, like it's the charge's fault, like you'll smile ruefully and exclaim, "those darn Charges of $75! Up to no good again!" . After nearly a week here, I can understand the DC Sniper: this is occupied territory. He wasn't sniping, he was resisting.

Virginia, that's the girl that pretends to like you so you'll join her prayer group. The one who tells her teachers, in passing, on everyone who's badmouthed them. Who smells like disinfectant and turns up her nose at your ratty Chuck Taylors and touts her virginity before going home to masturbate atop a Union-made appliance. They say Virginia is for Lovers, implying that even lovers should be Virginal.

No, no, NO, Virginia, fuck you, lovers have no business in your pre-apocalyptic wastelands. Virginia is for Fuckers. I want to go home.

Ray!
PREVIOUS NEXT REPLY QUOTE
 
I am drunk. by Zseni 08/06/2004, 9:02pm PDT NEW
    Could you blog somewhere else? by Worm 08/06/2004, 9:41pm PDT NEW
        Re: Could you blog somewhere else? by Chairman Mao 08/07/2004, 11:12am PDT NEW
            Re: Could you blog somewhere else? by wherever 08/07/2004, 5:00pm PDT NEW
    All the alcohol is being absorbed by your fat NT by Just an observation 08/06/2004, 10:38pm PDT NEW
        Re: All the alcohol is being absorbed by your fat by Zseni 08/07/2004, 4:56am PDT NEW
    I was drunk last night, too. by I need clarification 08/07/2004, 10:00am PDT NEW
    Welcome to the club! OH WOW ALCOHOL! NT by Tycho 08/07/2004, 3:05pm PDT NEW
    Re: I am drunk. by William H. Hayt, Jr. 08/07/2004, 3:44pm PDT NEW
        Re: I am drunk. by Zseni 08/07/2004, 5:59pm PDT NEW
            But your I'm drunk post... by Oblong 08/07/2004, 7:03pm PDT NEW
            Re: I am drunk. by DeadDogBuried 08/07/2004, 7:11pm PDT NEW
            I didn't write that. The drinking, I take it? by Bill Dungsroman 08/07/2004, 7:15pm PDT NEW
                pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by whydirt 08/07/2004, 8:46pm PDT NEW
                    Re: pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by Bill Dungsroman 08/07/2004, 10:15pm PDT NEW
                        Re: pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by Zseni 08/08/2004, 10:06am PDT NEW
                            Re: pre-emptive double-dumbass on BDR by Bill Dungsroman 08/08/2004, 5:34pm PDT NEW
                                Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Zseni 08/08/2004, 5:52pm PDT NEW
                                    Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 6:08pm PDT NEW
                                        Damn you're a cum-dumpster of unoriginality. by Ormus 08/08/2004, 6:43pm PDT NEW
                                            You used "sko" like you were Zseni. Way to bite her style, Creepo. NT by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 7:05pm PDT NEW
                                    Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Worm 08/08/2004, 6:52pm PDT NEW
                                        Pretend the missing 's' and the unnecessary space aren't there. Thanks. NT by Worm 08/08/2004, 6:54pm PDT NEW
                                    Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/08/2004, 8:57pm PDT NEW
                                        Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Zseni 08/09/2004, 4:08am PDT NEW
                                            Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by wherever 08/09/2004, 1:43pm PDT NEW
                                            Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/09/2004, 11:20pm PDT NEW
                                                Here I am again! by Fussbett 08/10/2004, 6:36pm PDT NEW
                                                    Re: Here I am again! by Bill Dungsroman 08/10/2004, 10:36pm PDT NEW
                                                        Get the FUCK off me! NT by Fussbett's high horse 08/10/2004, 11:05pm PDT NEW
                                                        Leisuretown was suppose to be my breakout thread by Pieter 08/11/2004, 12:52am PDT NEW
                                                        For the record, I used to share the AIM love with you. by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 2:31am PDT NEW
                                                            INC to BDR: "And I faked all my orgasms, too!" by Bill Dungsroman 08/11/2004, 2:43am PDT NEW
                                                                Re: INC to BDR: "And I faked all my orgasms, too!" by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 2:47am PDT NEW
                                                        People - please, please, we're losing the point here. by Kthor 08/11/2004, 8:04am PDT NEW
                                                            Re: People - please, please, we're losing the point here. by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 12:15pm PDT NEW
                                                                Me :( by curst 08/12/2004, 1:48pm PDT NEW
                                                        Re: Here I am again! by laudablepuss 08/11/2004, 6:02pm PDT NEW
                                                            ON MY OWN! GOiN Down the only road I've ever known! like a drifter I was born t NT by whydirt 08/11/2004, 9:00pm PDT NEW
                                                        This is a very pedantic post. by Fussbett 08/11/2004, 8:52pm PDT NEW
                                                            Thanks for the warning. by Bill Dungsroman 08/12/2004, 10:46am PDT NEW
                                                                Yeah! by Fussbett 08/12/2004, 6:20pm PDT NEW
                                                Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Zseni 08/11/2004, 5:34pm PDT NEW
                                                    Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/11/2004, 8:20pm PDT NEW
                                                        Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by I need clarification 08/11/2004, 8:39pm PDT NEW
                                                            Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/12/2004, 10:43am PDT NEW
                                            Re: something or other by Hairsplitter 08/10/2004, 12:06am PDT NEW
                                                BDR's Brawl Hall article ranks highly by Entropy Stew 08/10/2004, 12:14am PDT NEW
                                                    See? by I need clarification 08/10/2004, 12:46am PDT NEW
                                        Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by corax 08/09/2004, 6:54pm PDT NEW
                                            Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by Bill Dungsroman 08/09/2004, 7:06pm PDT NEW
                                        Re: Zseni vs. BDR: feature review by I need clarification 08/09/2004, 7:48pm PDT NEW
            Re: I am drunk. by William H. Hayt, Jr. 08/08/2004, 12:05am PDT NEW
                Re: I am drunk. by Zseni 08/08/2004, 10:09am PDT NEW
                You're really boring. I regret I read any of that. :( NT by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 12:34pm PDT NEW
                    Mwaah! NT by Inc's Lips on Zseni's rotund ass 08/08/2004, 12:38pm PDT NEW
                        YEAH NO TELLING THE TRUTH ALLOWED NT by CaltropsPostersUniteAgainstZseni 08/08/2004, 2:37pm PDT NEW
                            ROFL by Truth Telling? 08/08/2004, 3:40pm PDT NEW
                                LOL! ROFLMAO!!! NT by Internet laughing guy 08/08/2004, 6:24pm PDT NEW
                        You're right, that was a great post. I hope BILL posts a lot more (for you). :) NT by I need clarification 08/08/2004, 3:35pm PDT NEW
    Re: I am drunk. by Fullofkittens 08/07/2004, 5:28pm PDT NEW
    Re: I am drunk. by Truth Telling? 08/08/2004, 4:10pm PDT NEW
        Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 6:01pm PDT NEW
            Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 6:07pm PDT NEW
                Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 6:10pm PDT NEW
                    Re: I am drunk. by Chairman Mao 08/08/2004, 7:13pm PDT NEW
                        LOGGINSNOWPLZKTHX. by Chairman Dorkface 08/08/2004, 8:20pm PDT NEW
                            Re: LOGGINSNOWPLZKTHX. by Vverner Von Monocle 08/08/2004, 11:06pm PDT NEW
    HeylookanotherTrainwreckZsenithreadhownice by Entropy Stew 08/09/2004, 4:16pm PDT NEW
        SHORT REVIEW: Northern Virginia by Ray of Light 08/09/2004, 8:14pm PDT NEW
            I'm an n-tiered systems protagonist by Entropy Stew 08/09/2004, 8:46pm PDT NEW
                Re: I'm an n-tiered systems protagonist by whydirt 08/09/2004, 9:21pm PDT NEW
                    DECLAROBANG NT by Indefenestrable Stew 08/11/2004, 3:14am PDT NEW
 
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