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by Mischief Maker 07/18/2010, 10:41am PDT |
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I'm weird in that I bought my DS for actual on-the-go gaming. Specifically plane flights and hotel rooms. So I was willing to embrace time-sucking grind that would be unacceptable for me on the computer as selling points to carry me through long flights. All it convinced me was that I can't go back to old-school RPGs. I fucking lived these games as a kid but I can no longer stand them. Here's the ones I've tried (leaving out SRPGs for another post)
The Dark Spire: I was enjoying exploring the twisty-turny maze and solving the puzzles and uncovering secrets, but fuck me, every five steps I was running into asshole goblins which meant 5 mintues of tapping the A button before I could get back to the fun part and whoops, the random number generator just decided to fuck me over with this treasure chest so time to go back to town before starting over. I'm really getting sick of being fucked over by random number generators and having almost no input into the situation. At least in Puzzle Quest I have the illusion of some influence over how to respond to the hand the random number generator dealt me.
Infinite Space: Terrible game. Once the excitement of playing an actual space opera game wore off I could find almost no redeeming qualities to this game. The controls are stylus only, but all you're doing is pushing buttons, the worst of both worlds. Combat is all about slow pornographic sweeps over the primitive playstation-esque models of your ships while terrible voice actors yammer technobabble before you FINALLY shoot one shot. The game is all about grinding money for new parts, but the enemies hardly drop any money and the random number generator can be damned stingy at times with the random encounters.
But what really made me put the game down and trade it away was the creepy incestual subplot. Early in the game it's suggested with all the subtlety of a 2x4 to the face that the girl your protagonist thinks is his sister is actually an alien observer and your memories of her are implanted. Every so often a character blurts out "Are you sure she's your sister?" Then shortly into the start of chapter 3, all the other characters gang up on you in the bar and say, "YOU TWO ACT MORE LIKE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND THAN BROTHER AND SISTER!" And your character fights back, "shut up, sickos, she's my sister!" And everyone else yells, "ARE YOU SURE SHE'S YOUR SISTER??? I BET SHE ISN'T I BET YOU COULD FUCK YOUR SISTER AND IT WOULD BE TOTALLY JUSTIFIED SINCE SHES JUST AN ALIEN WHO PRETENDS SHES YOUR SISTER. C'MON, MAN, FUCK YOUR SISTER!!!"
Christ, is everyone who draws anime a horrible pervert? Can I enjoy my Star Wars without your disgusting incest fantasies? Oh wait...
Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey: I really REALLY wanted to love this game. Finally, a japanese game with an original setting and plot. Sure, the characters were all 2-dimensional stereotypes, but c'mon, what a crazy story premise. This'll be great!
Then somewhere around the end of chapter 3, I inhaled to let out what I intended to be a sign of disappointment, but what came out was a full diaphragm-supported groan of disgust. Here's the exchange that caused this:
(Setting: the characters have spent several quests collecting the parts to build a super cannon to pierce the invincible shield of the boss monster, now they're confronting it.)
Lawful Character: Okay, team! I have a brilliant plan. Let's shoot the boss monster with the anti-boss-monster cannon!
Chaotic Character: Who cares about your stupid plan, Lawful Character? I'm gonna attack this invincible-shielded boss monster HEEEAAAD OOONNNNN!
Invincible Boss Monster: *Bitchslap*
Chaotic Character: Aaaaaaaugh!
(Later, after they shoot the boss monster with the cannon)
Chaotic Character: Urgh. How shameful to have been defeated. If only I were strongerDOT DOT DOT (ed note: Foreshadowing!)
Is there like some Kabuki rule in japan you can only use one of 5 personalities for your character? No wonder Kurosawa got savaged by japanese movie critics. |
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games that stand the test of time, or don't by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 1:06pm PDT 
mario 64 by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 1:16pm PDT
VERDICT MARIO 64 STANDS THE TEST OF TIME NT by Stand the test of time judge 07/10/2010, 1:28pm PDT
I agree with this by Bananadine 07/10/2010, 2:38pm PDT
I was probably gonna review yoshis island and oot but now I don't need to :D by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 3:00pm PDT
A negative review of OOT has been a long time coming by Vested Id 07/10/2010, 3:06pm PDT
PSH the sword fighting engine is still excellent by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 4:18pm PDT
Anyone searching for front page content should check out this post. NT by Jerry Whorebach 07/10/2010, 3:07pm PDT
Jumpman, Jumpman Junior NT by mark 07/10/2010, 1:37pm PDT
never heard of this but I'm going to assume that it's not gay by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 2:28pm PDT
1983 or something insane. NT by mark 07/11/2010, 6:22pm PDT
was it that old mac skydiving game where the clouds would slow your descent? NT by Sword of Justice 07/12/2010, 12:21pm PDT
No, that sounds terrible. NT by mark 07/12/2010, 1:15pm PDT
master of magic by Noi Dau Don 07/10/2010, 1:43pm PDT
never heard of them they sound gay like gay porn NT by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 2:22pm PDT
starcontrol2 NT by up with pod people 07/10/2010, 2:52pm PDT
Just in case you were not aware: by Mischief Maker 07/10/2010, 3:21pm PDT
Thanks by Lizard_King 07/11/2010, 7:13am PDT
Re: Thanks by Ice Cream Jonsey 07/11/2010, 6:58pm PDT
I'm only halfway through the manual for XCOM by Lizard_King 07/11/2010, 7:48pm PDT
What happened during your JA2 playthrough? by Eric T. Cheng 07/11/2010, 8:15pm PDT
Re: What happened during your JA2 playthrough? by Lizard_King 07/12/2010, 7:11am PDT
Herzog Zwei by Fortinbras 07/10/2010, 2:57pm PDT
Sacrifice! by Mischief Maker 07/10/2010, 4:08pm PDT
Vapor Trail was the best shooter ever NT by Fortinbras 07/18/2010, 12:55pm PDT
I just played through this by Bananadine 11/14/2010, 3:18pm PST
Re: games that stand the test of time, or don't by Ice Cream Jonsey 07/10/2010, 4:13pm PDT
River City Ransom (does). ^_^ by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 5:45pm PDT
Speaking of RCR. by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 7:46pm PDT
The ISF technician you hired to calibrate your set should have switched that off NT by You did hire an etc. etc. right?? 07/10/2010, 8:27pm PDT
imperial space force tv technician who stands aside and watches us install it ou NT by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 8:33pm PDT
Yes then we activated our jet packs and flew to the moon. ^_^ NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 8:34pm PDT
Re: games that stand the test of time, or don't by Bradley Svedka. 07/10/2010, 5:47pm PDT
no it isn't NT by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 5:52pm PDT
Re: no it isn't by Bradley Svedka. 07/10/2010, 6:37pm PDT
Psh thanks for the analysis qt3. NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 7:40pm PDT
Re: Psh thanks for the analysis qt3. by Bradley Svedka. 07/10/2010, 8:07pm PDT
Thanks, enjoy your job at kotaku. ^_^ NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 8:35pm PDT
Re: Thanks, enjoy your job at kotaku. ^_^ by Demon G. Sides 07/10/2010, 9:06pm PDT
Looks like we got some people mad at the truth again. 8) by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 9:25pm PDT
Re: Looks like we got some people mad at the truth again. 8) by Demon G. Sides 07/11/2010, 12:53am PDT
We know you didn't get the kotaku reference, catch up. by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/11/2010, 1:27am PDT
indeed, this guy should change his name to qt3 analysis NT by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 8:34pm PDT
Twin retards posting hot-seat, qq faggotry. by Bradley Svedka. 07/10/2010, 8:58pm PDT
try not to fire a shit through your chair oh too late by Sword of Justice 07/10/2010, 9:29pm PDT
Re: Twin retards posting hot-seat, qq faggotry. by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 9:36pm PDT
Re: Twin retards posting hot-seat, qq faggotry. by Bradley Svedka 11/14/2010, 3:20pm PST
Not the real me. Remember the period. It can save a life. NT by Bradley Svedka. 11/16/2010, 7:15pm PST
Re: Twin retards posting hot-seat, qq faggotry. by Bananadine 11/16/2010, 10:27pm PST
Who are the Cables? Wikileak cables? NT by arthur 01/03/2011, 10:57pm PST
For more information on Cables, check out by Wikipedia 01/04/2011, 6:54am PST
WROOOOOOOOOONG.gif NT by Last 07/10/2010, 9:16pm PDT
Obvious answer: Tetris by Fullofkittens 07/10/2010, 6:22pm PDT
Half-Life 1 I think also. O_O by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 7:38pm PDT
Re: Half-Life 1 I think also. O_O by Bradley Svedka. 07/10/2010, 8:08pm PDT
Re: games that stand the test of time, or don't by Last 07/10/2010, 9:29pm PDT
If you didn't like Mario 64 the problem is you. NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/10/2010, 9:36pm PDT
Heroes of Might and Magic 2 NT by Worm 07/10/2010, 10:00pm PDT
& 3 NT by up with pod people 07/10/2010, 10:26pm PDT
& HoMM 2 The Price of Loyalty, the story was even good enough for Fable 3 NT by to rip off 07/11/2010, 7:51am PDT
Is this worth getting if I've already played 3 to death? NT by Arbit 07/12/2010, 12:46pm PDT
nyatzee sort of validates what I'm saying altho I don't need him round anyhow by Sword of Justice 07/12/2010, 12:54pm PDT
Oh also I played through Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts by Bananadine 07/12/2010, 1:47pm PDT
it wasn't that good and still isn't no by Sword of Justice 09/14/2010, 2:02pm PDT
Woah jsoh coming out against a hard game. NT by who fucking saw it coming? 09/14/2010, 3:20pm PDT
Take No Prisoners by laudablepuss 07/12/2010, 4:40pm PDT
deus ex 1 by Sword of Justice 07/18/2010, 4:48am PDT
Rock, Paper Shotgun has thoughts on the matter by Bananadine 07/18/2010, 8:47am PDT
this was an especially dumb part of the story by Sword of Justice 07/18/2010, 12:14pm PDT
Re: this was an especially dumb part of the story by Bradley Svedka. 07/19/2010, 11:54pm PDT
Sounds like Obama to me, does it sound like Obama to you? 8) NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/20/2010, 12:07am PDT
Also it had a monomolecular nanosword that made the game 100% easier by Fortinbras 07/18/2010, 8:54am PDT
Re: deus ex 1 by Mischief Maker 07/18/2010, 10:14am PDT
It is probably still best to play first time without cheats. by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/18/2010, 11:29am PDT
misc. old JRPG's by Bananadine 07/18/2010, 9:56am PDT
DS JRPGs by Mischief Maker 07/18/2010, 10:41am PDT
diablo 2 by Sword of Justice 07/19/2010, 11:16am PDT
A smattering of selections across the genres by Willdog 07/20/2010, 8:38pm PDT
On second thought by Willdog 07/21/2010, 6:15pm PDT
Did we forget to mention Fallout 1/2? :( by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/21/2010, 7:07pm PDT
Fallout 1 would never pass muster as Fallout 3 DLC by Jerry Whorebach 06/28/2011, 3:44pm PDT
Watch me fag out for Fallout :( by Jerry Whorebach 07/21/2010, 7:12pm PDT
Covert Action was the 3rd PC game I ever played. I replayed it last March. by Last 07/22/2010, 6:52am PDT
Re: Covert Action was the 3rd PC game I ever played. I replayed it last March. by Willdog 07/23/2010, 9:50pm PDT
mw4 had the best mechlab of the entire series NT by Sword of Justice 07/22/2010, 12:16pm PDT
You mean the McDonalds color-coded-for-retards one? NT by Mischief Maker 07/22/2010, 1:55pm PDT
I LIKE things to be difficult. Difficult education. Difficult games. NT by Mischief Maker 07/22/2010, 3:21pm PDT
He's like Einstein. O_O NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/22/2010, 5:52pm PDT
the one where you didn't need to know minutae about non existant metals by Sword of Justice 07/22/2010, 6:07pm PDT
Better UIs are always worse than bad UIs everyone knows that what are you a RETA NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/22/2010, 8:26pm PDT
What kind of retard wants OPTIONS in their mech customization? by Mischief Maker 07/22/2010, 9:30pm PDT
Options like for example (blank space) NT by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/22/2010, 11:46pm PDT
and did you hear, the new prince of persia lets you rewind time how lame by Sword of Justice 07/23/2010, 10:49pm PDT
Planescape? by Cannibal Dave 07/21/2010, 11:51pm PDT
Re: games that stand the test of time, or don't by Ice Cream Jonsey 07/22/2010, 7:25am PDT
spoony mentions that the old ultima games came with story books for the story by Sword of Justice 07/22/2010, 12:15pm PDT
Re: spoony mentions that the old ultima games came with story books by Ice Cream Jonsey 08/27/2010, 1:21pm PDT
If you people would lrn2Jing then you wouldn't have to use fucking imageshack an NT by Fullofkittens 07/22/2010, 1:42pm PDT
There was ONE kindof cool thing about it by laudablepuss 07/22/2010, 4:24pm PDT
Re: games that stand the test of time, or don't by N 08/08/2010, 8:22pm PDT
turok for the n64 by Sword of Justice 07/28/2010, 4:46am PDT
SPOILER: turok farts fire as he runs away at the end NT by grasa cachorro 07/28/2010, 6:57am PDT
I think it plays just as horribly as it did then. NT by mark 07/28/2010, 7:27am PDT
It did suck then but then again it was the best looking FPS. by Jhoh Cause..... 2 07/28/2010, 7:58am PDT
Playing Turok with all the console switches on was the only fun way to play by WITTGENSTEIN 06/28/2011, 4:19pm PDT
Turok 2 with modern computing power is probably great NT by Vested Id 07/28/2010, 10:55pm PDT
homeworld 1 by Sword of Justice 08/06/2010, 3:37pm PDT
Re: homeworld 1 by Jhoh Cause..... 2 08/07/2010, 2:19am PDT
republic commando by Sword of Justice 08/09/2010, 12:29am PDT
Super Mario Bros., surprisingly by Bananadine 10/05/2010, 5:35pm PDT
Super Mario Bros. 2, probably by Bananadine 08/15/2011, 10:02am PDT
Super Mario Bros. 3 by Bananadine 02/25/2012, 9:56am PST
What part of this game would you say doesn't stand up? by Claborsar 02/25/2012, 12:11pm PST
yes, you are completely correct, I suppose I blame myself for this situation by sdroa jists 02/25/2012, 12:25pm PST
Re: What part of this game would you say doesn't stand up? by Bananadine 02/25/2012, 12:39pm PST
Well we are using objectivity. 8( by Claborsar 02/25/2012, 12:54pm PST
Re: Well we are using objectivity. 8( by Bananadine 02/25/2012, 1:31pm PST
Re: Well we are using objectivity. 8( by Claborsar 02/25/2012, 2:12pm PST
stop playing. stop posting. stop breathing. NT by Worm 02/25/2012, 5:16pm PST
Hey look, someone who hasn't gone anywhere in the past several years. 8) by Claborsar 02/27/2012, 3:38pm PST
hey fuck you NT by Worm 02/27/2012, 7:29pm PST
Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage by Bananadine 11/14/2010, 3:10pm PST
The Punisher (MAME or Genesis) was a better Marvel Final Fight. Try it today! NT by Last 11/15/2010, 6:10am PST
Is there a special reason why Punisher only uses his gun when faced with guns? by Bananadine 06/28/2011, 2:34pm PDT
sometimes your punishment is getting shot and other times it's getting beaten NT by Worm 06/28/2011, 6:16pm PDT
Re: The Punisher was a better Marvel Final Fight. Try it today! by Bananadine 07/07/2011, 12:33am PDT
Well, at least we can all agree on what the WORST Marvel beat 'em up is. by Jerry Whorebach 07/30/2011, 8:03pm PDT
Is that a joke? I watched a speed run, it looked intolerable. by Last 11/16/2010, 9:14pm PST
No, and speed runs can make anything look terrible by Bananadine 11/16/2010, 9:52pm PST
Ecco the Dolphin is giving me motion sickness NT by Bananadine 12/04/2010, 6:29pm PST
I finished this by Bananadine 01/03/2011, 5:27pm PST
meanwhile, ecco on dreamcast was also incredibly hard but at least gorgeous by up with pod people 01/03/2011, 5:36pm PST
should be "having the piss taken". they didn't take the piss. NT by Ol Chap 01/03/2011, 7:51pm PST
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