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| Bands I hated even though people I wanted to be friends with recommended them by to me, Zseni 06/26/2007, 8:49pm PDT | ||||
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| 1. Final Fantasy
Recommended by: posh Indian girl going to posh hip NYC college Why I believed: she liked other stuff I liked! Why it sucked: whiny smarty posh dude with whiny violin - are you joking? Where is the MUSIC? I can't dance to your SMARTNESS, buddy. If I wanted to read your snotty poetry, I'd hit your myspace page up. You are so FUCKING TWEE. 2. The Decemberists Recommended by: former roomie, former buddy Why I believed: "they like, you know, pirates and stuff, but the music is great too. Every song is like a 18th C. tragedie." Why it sucked: whiny smarty posh dudes with whiny harmoniums - are you joking? You call THIS a tragedy? This sounds like what would happen if the Goonies were in their late 20s and Mikey's attic had been full of instruments instead of treasure maps. They're so FUCKING TWEE. 3. The Arcade Fire Recommended by: everybody in the universe, INCLUDING David Bowie, whose taste is historically impeccable Why I believed: David Bowie, man! I didn't think he was capable of calling a bad shot! Why it sucked: it is legendary - as soon as I hit the bit about "our parent's bedrooms" in "Tunnels", I flicked the fucking album off forever. The INSTANT a dude starts talking about shit that happens in his mom's napping lair, I am not interested in his psychological state, life philosophy, or musical phantasie. He is dead to me. That whole band is dead to me, and not all the critical applause in the world can restore its corpse to life. The bedroom of parents is a place in which a family spirit dwells. It is a private and signal honor to approach the bedroom of one's OWN parents, and a heartless invasion of privacy to scurry into the bedroom of someone else's parents. The kind of slipshod faggot who strolls into MY PARENTS' BEDROOM and has the nerve to tell me about it is a motherfucker with a target on his forehead. He ain't worth any more time than it takes to get a bead on him. The Arcade Fire could be the greatest band that ever happened to the history of the planet, but their music can never rise to the level of their discourtesy. Plus, they are twee. 4. The Aluminum Group Recommended By: Cool-ass dudes in the only Soulseek chatroom that didn't kickban me within two sentences Why I believed: these guys are so cool!!!!1! Why it sucks: if you took all the musical cleverness out of Steely Dan and filled in the hole with more obvious lyrical cleverness, you're getting close to the best of Aluminum Group. But 1) Steely Dan is boring even WITH the musical cleverness and 2) I don't like obvious lyrical cleverness. Plus all their albums would not be out of place at middle-class-with-pretensions havens of all sorts. They are not nearly as clever as they think they are, those middle class people with pretensions! 5. Sufjan Stevens Recommended By: Caltrops posters. :( Why I believed: I'm friends with Caltrops, aren't I? Why it sucks: C'mon and feel the twee imaginary twee indie rock twee Illinoise. A brutal date rape of an album, which promised me happy reunions with my glorious, cold, square, lake-faced hometown, and instead delivered twee Bob Dylanisms of an Illinois without the oppressive flatness, the elegant fingers of rivers, the tall granite Modernist buildings, the implacable and shivering heart of a winter which breaks suddenly as a fever.... how could he prefer the ordinary imaginary dramas of bible school students in place of the stern flows of transit and capital which etch the face of the city as surely as time and water would a canyon? How could he be so twee and boring?! CALTROPS, PLEASE ADVISE: Why is there so much twee in the air these days? I mean seriously. If you have to pick between camp and twee, PICK CAMP. Twee is the last resort of the rhetorically prepubescent. |
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