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by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 2:43am PDT |
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It is the early 1990s, AND YOU ARE THERE. GO! Comic books have grown from things you read with colors and explosions and guys with giant muscles, now they are collectors items where you keep an eye out for comic books that premiere with a first issue, get every one of the 5 collectors covers, then vacuum seal them in a plastic case and put into a crate under your bed, never to be touched again presumably to this day. No one knows what has happened to all those preserved comics. And by that I mean I don't know.
But hey that's not really what this is about. I just typed all that stuff out for no reason. What we are really talking about is the mid to late 90s, when music was just about to die with limp bizkit and korn being played on the radio and MTV without the intent of them being laughed at like Paris Hilton or Ashlee Simpson. Comic books were turning into borderline alisa's sexy non nude teasing fun constant half naked girls with big fat fuckin tits that were filled with helium or something because nothing could stop them from sticking straight out and trying to fly up into the fuckin air. How all this started will never ever be known, ever. I think that Warrinis Ellinsis guy was involved or whoever did Gen 13. But none can say. However, for a few years, every comic was just a test of how many big fat fuckin titted chicks and perfectly defined asscracks in skintight outfits could be put into one comic while they attempt to get them as almost totally nude as possible.
Most comix were ridiculous fight scenes while characters have GERMANIC (that is wikipedo for "long") speeches about the current status of their paour lavols ("my power level is currently over 9,000, but if I continue to fight this very strong enemy for much longer it will drop"). Comic book writing is equal to fanfics, especially the dialog which was just a bunch of characters stating the obvious either out loud or in a thought bubble, which became fancy BOXES in the more modern serious business stern adjusting monocle comic books where things were supposed to be more serious and have serious dark undertone shit, as you can see when any character flies through the air and thinks "I hope I get there in time" in a dialog box colored in with dark orange instead of a thought bubble cloud with the fluffy edges. When a comic book writer wants to add depth to some exposition, they add an adjective or two. Or three. Or 10. Sort of like when fanfic writers want to describe the hardness of their LUPINE cocks or whatever.
List o Comix:
Gen 13
Spawn: This was a groundbreaking comic book. NOTE THAT I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS GOOD. But it was supposed to be deep because the guy had amnesia!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he was recruited by SATAN to be a general of his army to destroy the universe or something, but I think Spawn ends up like not doing that, and then he becomes a series of collectible action figures and the comic ends with Spawn becoming a series of action figures for fuckin Metal Gear Solid 3 and Pirates of the Carribean and other popular movies, TV shows, or vidya games, available at any local Hot Topic or Gamestop. So instead of the writing level being that of a fanfic, it was more like a Japanese RPG (which is not much better). Also there was a movie that came out for it which was cool at the time but it turns out it was fuckin stupid which is readily evident to anyone on the planet once you see they add a plucky homeless kid who befriends Spawn after he comes back from hayull. Also Martin Sheen ends his career as an evil bad guy and sinks to the level of his brother Joe Estavez. Oh yeah and Martin Sheen's evil sidekick lady has a fuckin hairstyle that is so fuckin 90s, you look at it and you're like wow that's something that didn't make it past the year 2000. Psh even.
The Tenth: This was the story of Espy somethingdy something who is a young teenage girl(!!!!!!!!!!) with mysterious magic powers(!!!!!!!!!) which constantly tear her clothes off when she uses them(!!!!!!!!). There is some hilaaaaarious backstory of her being fursecuted as a young TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN for having magic powers (in a dramatic scene where some other hot fine underage ladies egg her, and in the next panel it looks like she was drenched with fuckin jizz) and it was so traumatic to her that she blew up her house and killed her parents with an explosion of magic fuckin green fireball shit, which is sort of awesome. I suspect that part was written in because most people who read comic books can relate to that kind of stuff, being made fun of in high school and wanting to kill your parents. Oh yeah also Espy had some big fat fuckin dick suckin lips. And I think the comics also had some giant monster people who were fighting each other, while fills up half the comic and is boring, usually stuff about how an evil bad guy is some kind of mastermind, and some other bad guys are evil and want to become powerful, and the good guys try to stop them. Most of the evil bad guys look like demons from Spawn.
Dorkchoyld: A young teenage girl with mysterious magic powers that tears her clothes off when she uses them. The difference with this is that the hot babe is engaging in dork thided thtuff, such as gorgyles and sly kicks. The artist who drew this shit made everyone's faces look really creepy, and not in an intentional artistic expression fuckin whatever sort of way, but more of a Zelda CDI creepy sort of way. Instead of nudity and super harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd giant spearing fuckin super diamond hard nipples being covered up by shreds of t-shirts, they are just obscured in a shadow (usually the shadow of her own gigantic fuckin tits).
Ecks Min
Witchblade
That fuckin guy who drew Kkkaptunt America with big tits
I dunno, someone who actually read comic books at the time is going to have remind me of comics, I didn't really read any, and all we bought was I think 2 issues of The Tenth just for that chick's fuckin ASS and legs that go up all the way you know what I'm sayin know what I mean.
Clearly all of these comics want to be straight up pornography tied together with a sort of floppy story about using super paours to fight the fuck out of some evil, and babes being kicked into walls and shit by fuckin monsters that are as big as a house. However, when you read fuckin ning bong Japanese porn comics, instead of things like that it is just highschool girl meets guy and sucks his dick, or she gets surprised sexed by a couple guys or a teacher or something, and it is laid out in the most plain boring way possible, especially after the 50,000th time. Eventually you might see some porn comic where a hot girl with strange mysterious magic powers tries to better understand her gift in between getting her ass fuckin jackhammered by gigantic cocks and she gets cumgut and stuff. But I guess only someone who is CREATIVE would think of something like that (hint: me). |
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Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 1:23pm PDT 
I bought 500 comic books in the mid-90s, and I'll be watching for any errors 8( NT by Jerry Whorebach 06/14/2007, 2:52pm PDT
You'll be in luck then because the whole article will probably be errors. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 3:03pm PDT
Also it will be about how comic books suck and are for GAYWADS. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 3:04pm PDT
No errors so far :((((( NT by Jerry Whorebach 06/14/2007, 3:34pm PDT
I hope the X-Men can explain all their powers to me while shits flying around ag NT by Grumah 06/14/2007, 3:36pm PDT
That probably is one of their powers, to carefully speak 10 paragraphs while fig NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 3:41pm PDT
You can blame Chris Claremont and editors in the 80s/90s for that NT by Horrible Gelatinous Blob 06/14/2007, 4:06pm PDT
Who was that FAGGOT artist who drew Captain America with giant tits? NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 4:13pm PDT
Rob Liefeld? by FABIO 06/14/2007, 4:15pm PDT
Yes. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 4:19pm PDT
horay for this? by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 2:24pm PDT
It's important to tell ourselves that terrorists hate America for no reason. by They're just crazy. 10/16/2007, 2:46pm PDT
loony leftists hate anyone who isn't a loony leftist NT by loony-left-bot 10/16/2007, 2:52pm PDT
Events have causes. NT by Loony Leftist! 10/16/2007, 3:16pm PDT
The JEWS!!!!!!!! use Palestinian child blood to make their passover bread thing. NT by actual mideast belief, for real 10/16/2007, 3:26pm PDT
Jesus will return on a white horse to bathe the middle east in blood by I can do this too. 10/16/2007, 3:30pm PDT
Re: Jesus will return on a white horse to bathe the middle east in blood by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:35pm PDT
That reminds me to buy another "He ain't coming back to preach" t-shirt. by Worm 10/16/2007, 3:39pm PDT
Id rather play wow than reply anymore to wromposts, thx NT by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 3:47pm PDT
You could just cancel your Caltrops sub until epic wrompost content is added. NT by Worm 10/16/2007, 6:23pm PDT
I hate political arguments on caltrops by sock puppet-bot 10/16/2007, 7:19pm PDT
Really, do you know the religious breakdown of military personnel? by I shouldn't, really. 10/16/2007, 3:40pm PDT
koba is a fukkkin MORMON, I know that NT by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 3:45pm PDT
thanks wromg by E. L. Koba 11/26/2007, 1:24pm PST
When IS this article going up? Oh yeah it's not finished. :( by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 11/26/2007, 5:47pm PST
Re: Really, do you know the religious breakdown of military personnel? by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:47pm PDT
making money is a process, not an event NT by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 3:35pm PDT
I think it pretty well boils down to "no reason," yeah. NT by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 2:53pm PDT
FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!! *fires an AK* NT by janenen garaflo 10/16/2007, 3:31pm PDT
did someone claim terrorists don't have a reason for hating America? by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 3:04pm PDT
That's funny, I thought it was because we were on their land. NT by Loony Leftist! 10/16/2007, 3:17pm PDT
Embassies are just occupations in DISGUISE NT by troofer 10/16/2007, 3:24pm PDT
Asymmetrical warfare with easily manipulated subservient ideologues. by This isn't hard to understand. 10/16/2007, 3:27pm PDT
Re: Asymmetrical warfare with easily manipulated subservient ideologues. by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:36pm PDT
Re: Asymmetrical warfare with easily manipulated subservient ideologues. by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:38pm PDT
Not all, just its two most prolific "contributors." NT by helpful tip 10/16/2007, 3:38pm PDT
thats what THE MAN wants you to beLIEve NT by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 3:39pm PDT
But you just said "all." I can get the court transcripts if you like, please re NT by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:39pm PDT
I also said "you'd think." by Don't cut BEFORE you read. 10/16/2007, 3:41pm PDT
a guy using like 50 different names in the author field accuses someone else of NT by sock puppet-bot 10/16/2007, 7:17pm PDT
what are you trying to kid again see I happen to know who you are and when I cat NT by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 7:19pm PDT
all of caltrops, easily manipulated DUPAS NT by diet Coke/Grumah forever 10/16/2007, 3:38pm PDT
Re: Asymmetrical warfare with easily manipulated subservient ideologues. by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:55pm PDT
Re: did someone claim terrorists don't have a reason for hating America? by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 3:22pm PDT
OOPS! NT by DIDN'T MEAN TO GO THERE 10/16/2007, 3:28pm PDT
to this day people still didn't get how we made fun of them NT by the truth 02/19/2014, 12:41pm PST
Destroyed their lives, ate their souls, couldn't wait to do it. NT by HE CALLS ME JOSEPH 02/19/2014, 1:29pm PST
"He looks like a really buff multicolored guy stripping off his black jumpsuit." NT by overheard at comic convention 10/16/2007, 3:25pm PDT
According to a blog I read, he is actually Captain Puerto Rico by Jerry Whorebach 11/20/2007, 7:41am PST
I actually read this article just now. by Freakin' hilarious. 10/16/2007, 3:58pm PDT
You mean the Michael MedDEAD one? NT by Jhoh Clbbl O_____O 10/16/2007, 4:03pm PDT
http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/dork4/default.php NT by Grumah 03/06/2008, 1:39pm PST
Okay hm. :( by Jhoh Creebul, Witch Toucher O_O 03/06/2008, 2:36pm PST
And all the characters talk like they are half-hatched inhuman mongoloids incapa NT by Grumah 06/14/2007, 5:26pm PDT
If bdr were here he would say that this post is ironic. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 5:38pm PDT
I think this AIM log should show the direction this article will go in. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 5:44pm PDT
This would look better if I had photoshop installed again. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 6:16pm PDT
Kered's photoSHORP. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 7:35pm PDT
Re: Kered's photoSHORP. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 11:38am PDT
NO NO NO YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER by Kered "11 YEARS OLD" Worgdance 06/15/2007, 11:42am PDT
Not if it's not a link. O_O by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 11:42am PDT
Re: I think this AIM log should show the direction this article will go in. by FABIO 06/14/2007, 6:28pm PDT
Then the whole universe is going to die. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 6:31pm PDT
Great, now I want to start watching that again. NT by Worm 06/14/2007, 6:48pm PDT
Just in case you were wondering how wrom would shit up this thread, now you know NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 7:01pm PDT
Was it a critical hit? by Worm 06/14/2007, 7:05pm PDT
Re: Was it a critical hit? by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 7:34pm PDT
Where you seethe, I guess I laugh. by Worm 06/14/2007, 8:03pm PDT
This post doesn't REALLY make much sense(!!!!!). NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/14/2007, 8:09pm PDT
It's funny because it's bad. NT by Worm 06/14/2007, 8:24pm PDT
At least these dupas are leaving their posts NT. by Siskel and Ebert 06/15/2007, 11:50am PDT
The only responses from worm I want to see are that he's going to kill himself. by Kim Mitchell 06/15/2007, 11:52am PDT
The next best alternative. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 11:56am PDT
By the way, it's the 2 year anniversary of sasy. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 12:01pm PDT
Maybe instead of dwelling on the negative with sasy I should think of good times by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 12:07pm PDT
Let's try to concentrate only on the whores that sasy likes instead of hates. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 12:16pm PDT
KIM HUH? HEY HONEY, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S GOING ON? WANT TO COME OVER TO MY CREEPY B NT by wrolm 06/15/2007, 11:57am PDT
I am beside myself because of the public support for creaks! by Worm 06/15/2007, 12:42pm PDT
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU! *firing into the ceiling, brbrbryu, brbryu* NT by Worm 06/15/2007, 1:02pm PDT
Seeing Wrom enter a thread is like watching TNG and Wesley Crusher walks in. NT by Captain Jean-Luc Picard, USS Enterp 06/15/2007, 1:04pm PDT
LOOK AT THAT WORM GO, WHO SAYS THERE ARE NO MORE HEROES by Slurms MacKenzie 06/15/2007, 1:08pm PDT
Oh, look. BDR came back. NT by I need clarification 06/15/2007, 1:17pm PDT
Post isn't nearly long enough for bdr. O_O by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 1:20pm PDT
Me! NT by Worm Alignment Change: Chaotic + 06/15/2007, 1:23pm PDT
You mean me. NT by Worm Alignment Change: Lonely +++ 06/15/2007, 2:26pm PDT
I like the sound of this. NT by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 3:04pm PDT
Not long enough, or even unintentionally funny. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 2:30pm PDT
By the way, that NWN2 thing is totally unreadable. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 2:33pm PDT
PSH, who's BDRing now? NT by Worm 06/15/2007, 3:03pm PDT
Also only two complaints? by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 3:05pm PDT
That's because no one else has read it yet. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 4:24pm PDT
Yeah, two complaints from one person is good! by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 6:27pm PDT
Re: Yeah, two complaints from one person is good! by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 7:13pm PDT
Basement: CHECK Wrom's Old HL2 review: CHECKCHECKCHECKCHECKCHECKCHECKCHECKCHECKC by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 7:46pm PDT
bdr approximation: 50% NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 8:00pm PDT
Can you do a picture of my face half BDR and half sko pigpen? NT by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 8:23pm PDT
I only have one complaint. by Motherhead 06/15/2007, 7:48pm PDT
haha touche! by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 7:56pm PDT
My response to almost everything is to be like "ha ha that stings yes sir." by Worm Chaotic Lonely Ranger 06/15/2007, 9:19pm PDT
Alright? by Worm Chaotic Lovely Ranger 06/15/2007, 9:20pm PDT
You mean, the website? No, caltrops isn't gone. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 10:34pm PDT
Less whiny bitch Jhoh, more funny (bitch) Jhoh. Thanks. NT by laudablepuss 06/14/2007, 11:14pm PDT
laubadle takes some time off from jacking to the nwn2 review NT by Grumah 06/15/2007, 12:13am PDT
Let me know when any whining is detected thanks. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 9:38am PDT
I just did. You're welcome. NT by laudablepuss 06/15/2007, 4:47pm PDT
Let me know when you are correct at some point (I won't hold my breath). NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 4:54pm PDT
Should I let you know this stuff? Okay, I'll let you know. You'll know when I by laudablepuss 06/15/2007, 7:25pm PDT
They (wrom, laudbl) don't really know even what they're talking about. by Ozzy 06/15/2007, 11:43am PDT
WHERE IN HOSTESS CUPCAKES IS MY CAP'N AMERICA'S TWINKIES ARTICLE? NT by The Ever-Lovin' THING 06/15/2007, 8:15pm PDT
I think on seanbaby.com NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 9:16pm PDT
I WAS SPEAKIN' EUPHEMISTICALLY, BUB! I WANNA KNOW ABOUT CAP'S DIRTY PILLOWS. NT by The Ever-Lovin' THING 06/15/2007, 9:40pm PDT
Oh. Well the article has to be written first. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/15/2007, 10:34pm PDT
Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (maybe a draft?) by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/16/2007, 5:32pm PDT
Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 2) by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/16/2007, 6:42pm PDT
Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 3) by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/16/2007, 6:50pm PDT
Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 4) by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 2:43am PDT
Re: Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 4) by Entropy Stew 06/17/2007, 3:30am PDT
TELL ME THIS SECRET LORD OF BUTTS NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 4:45am PDT
Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 5) by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/19/2007, 7:54am PDT
gotta add super secret spy lady cunt (cant remember what it was called but she w NT by Grumah 06/19/2007, 10:20pm PDT
That's the one I was trying to remember too. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/19/2007, 11:29pm PDT
(danger girl) and she was a total fuckin whore like these other skank ass whores NT by Grumah 06/23/2007, 10:52am PDT
Yes that is it. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/23/2007, 11:02am PDT
Re: Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 3) by Zseni 06/17/2007, 7:52am PDT
This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 8:10am PDT
Re: This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Zseni 06/17/2007, 8:20am PDT
Re: This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 8:23am PDT
Re: This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Zseni 06/17/2007, 4:23pm PDT
Re: This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 9:11pm PDT
Re: This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Flabby-o 06/17/2007, 10:54am PDT
Re: This counting words in paragraphs thing is pure gold! by Zseni 06/17/2007, 4:23pm PDT
Also I had a shot at normal humanity, but I blew it. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/17/2007, 9:18pm PDT
Psh, she probably just pasted it somewhere that counted the words for her. by Worm 06/17/2007, 10:07pm PDT
Wow you think? Thanks wrom. NT by Zseni 06/17/2007, 10:42pm PDT
If by Ray of Light 06/18/2007, 1:55am PDT
I think that review turned out pretty well. NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/18/2007, 6:58am PDT
Re: Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 3) by Quentin Beck 06/17/2007, 3:21pm PDT
Re: Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 3) by Zseni 06/17/2007, 4:28pm PDT
Hey! by Quentin Beck 06/17/2007, 8:50pm PDT
Re: Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review (draft 3) by Quentin Beck 06/17/2007, 10:54pm PDT
zsneni is a stupid fuckkking cunt with no dick or balls NT by Grumah 06/18/2007, 1:33am PDT
But in fairness, creex *is* going off the rails these days NT by from sperm poisoning 06/19/2007, 12:34pm PDT
On a crazy train. *shreds hard on a guitar, blowing out your monocle* NT by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/19/2007, 12:39pm PDT
Toot toot! NT by The Failure Express 06/19/2007, 12:44pm PDT
THIS CREEX PERSON ***HAS*** CHANGED TOO MUCH by CREEX USED-TO-LOVER 06/19/2007, 12:50pm PDT
I dont like change, I like carbon copies of the same shit I laughed at a decade NT by Grumah 06/19/2007, 10:19pm PDT
But with a vagina of sorts NT by (You'll never see one!) 06/20/2007, 2:47pm PDT
Has anyone started talking about Valiant comics yet? Let me know. NT by Griefer Sutherland 06/19/2007, 10:34pm PDT
Prince Valiant? No I didn't read any of those. by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/19/2007, 11:31pm PDT
I bought the first issue of Valiant's '93 Turok: Dinosaur Hunter run by Jerry Whorebach 06/20/2007, 1:02am PDT
This entire thread is rubbish. NT by Grow up. 06/20/2007, 12:30am PDT
No. NT by No. 06/20/2007, 12:56am PDT
This thread made me nostalgic. by Jerry Whorebach 06/20/2007, 1:46am PDT
I'll play this game! by Fussbett 06/20/2007, 2:50am PDT
Re: I'll play this game! by McMoo 06/20/2007, 12:55pm PDT
Re: I'll play this game! by laudablepuss 06/21/2007, 3:55am PDT
That yellow claw by Ice Cream Jonsey 06/20/2007, 3:18am PDT
Re: That yellow claw by motherfuckerfoodeater 06/20/2007, 12:41pm PDT
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE GAY SEX WITH SPIDERMAN by Jhoh Cable o_O 06/20/2007, 4:03am PDT
Re: Mid 90s Comic Book Tits and Ass XXXtravaganza Review by the truth 02/19/2014, 12:15pm PST
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