I've heard it said that smart people have the hardest time with small talk.by Mischief Maker 04/24/2019, 12:03am PDT
Jerry Whorebach wrote:
I'm afraid they're going to quietly tolerate my presence. Then they're going to go home, pack up their van, and leave civilization behind. Their kid is going to have to grow up alone in the wilderness, hearing stories about that suffocating prick Jerry Whorebach (and CBC Radio when reception permits), all because I couldn't keep my goddamn chitchat to myself.
I had a job once captioning phone calls for the hearing impaired. I learned two things from that job. One, deaf people have the most boring friends in the world (but then again, maybe they didn't know?) Two, it takes several seconds to process a new person's accent and attitude before you have a deep enough sympatico to grok their meaning. Small talk is inane and cliche on purpose, to give each other a moment to sync up before you can converse about the meaning of life. Smart people make that leap in the blink of an eye and their impatience to get beyond small talk into deep talk is overwhelming and you end up like Jesse Eisenberg in the opening scene of "The Social Network."
Jerry Whorebach wrote:
The weather's been nice lately, so the footpaths I had to myself all winter are now choked with the occasional person. The other day I saw the most attractive woman walking towards me. Of course I panicked. I made sure to keep my eyes off her and quickened my pace. I was so focused on not being a nuisance that when she turned and tried to talk to me, I completely snubbed her. Immediately my brain started screaming at me, "What are you doing?! Where are you going?!" But it was too late. Like the mighty stegosaurus, my legs had a mind of their own. I felt like such a jerk.
First I must apologize, because I am much more attractive than that man in the stock photo and so I'm the last one you want offering advice. But next time you meet an attractive woman, the dumb cliche thing is the right thing to say, not some impossibly clever pickup line.
Natter about the weather or the condition of the jogging path or whatever until it stops being awkward and you can ask her out for coffee. Bashfully admit that you don't usually meet people like this and you're a little nervous. The best part of being ripped is you have a minute or so longer buffer period than other men before you need to be interesting. And if it's clear that she's not into you, you can smile and say, "Well I gotta go, nice meeting you!" and she won't even remember you, much less spread tales about you. The only thing less interesting than small talk is telling about other people's small talk.
But if instead of small talk you tried some "perfect" pickup line then yes, she probably would tell everyone the story of meeting you and how horrible your pickup line was. So stay away from those things.
You're a funny fuck online, and I bet part of it is you're willing to look stupider in anonymous internet form than you would dare IRL. Embrace it! Imagine Weird Al Yankovic is your wingman and he's pumping you up with this song, set to footage of giant transforming robots air-juggling each other:
As for your mom and your self-image, fuck dude, that's out of my pay grade. I guess embrace the comedy of thinking you're a phony in your own body?
