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| "we are all animals, my lady." by up with pod people 08/19/2011, 10:15am PDT | ||||
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| "From time to time, the roots of the tree of Caltrops must be watered with overexposure." - NDD
I had always wanted children, though I never resolved to wanting his, one of many signs I tabulated in hindsight. in any case, sometimes the subject of "if and when" would come up, and in this instance, it came up in bed. I was on the pill. on a couple of occasions I had doubled up and taken a morning-after dose because I was so terrified of getting pregnant by him, but this night: I hadn't been late taking a dose, hadn't recently been in the line of fire, there wasn't any real risk, so that part of my mind let go. I just let myself think about it... what would it be like? to really fuck with full intention to, well, breed. and we started talking about it... and of course I had been turned on before, but I don't think I had ever really experienced lust. I kept thinking of biology textbooks. "humans are one of the mammals who don't have seasonal heat." but then how did they know to call it heat if they had not felt this, because the name is too perfect, this is heat. a veil of blood-warmth flowing over me from the top of my head past my thousand-yard stare down to my pussy, heavy and wetter than it had ever been, surprising me only slightly more than him. after deciding at a very young age that chemistry was a line people sold themselves to excuse irrational behaviour, that relationships were just friendships plus, I found myself in a chemical haze. I imagined my eyes must be dilated and glassy. everywhere he touched me sparkled, for the first time his kiss felt electric, and the watcher kept reporting: this is like a stupid song lyric. look at you. maybe it will be all right. I felt like I would come as soon as he entered me, and he was so hard, and suddenly he was moving up my body, and "baby... baby, I'm going to come in your mouth!" the surest way to know you were under a spell is by how hard it breaks. the veil disappeared like fog in the sun; the heat drained out and through me like water. my entire body was instantly a wilting boner: the departing energy hollowed me out and tears stood in my eyes. his earnest attempt to participate -- so heartbreaking, the man who could not ask for anything, too afraid to be rejected, too shy to approach his own wife, finally asked for something. exactly, profoundly, completely the wrong thing. we never had sex again. |
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