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| Bill Dungsroman 9/10/2004 |
Dallas Cowboys
Whatever
gas QB Vinny Testaverde has left in his 41-year-old tank, count on head coach Bill
Parcells squeezing all there is of it out of him. I’m thinking Bill hopes Vinny makes
it to at least sometime late October in order to give time for Drew Henson to acclimate,
but that’s probably not going to happen. Vinny will make some good pass plays in the
meanwhile, but he’s literally one good hit away from his career being over forever.
Henson and #3 QB Tony Romo can and ought to learn much from Testaverde – they both
have cannon arms like Vinny, and both need serious coaching to excel. Vinny will freely
tell them that any QB who isn’t All-Pro (and perhaps even then) would do with good
coaching, and Parcells is one of the best in the league. All of Parcells starting QBs in
the past have had career years under him, and fair-to-awful years without. Just look at
Drew Bledsoe in Buffalo or back in New England. Hell, remember Testaverde himself with the Jets – terrible
before and after Parcells’ short tenure with New
York. One thing the QBs have is a pretty good
receiving corps. The picosecond that Parcells was named head coach, WR/Professional Whiner
Keyshawn Johnson signed, and like the aforementioned QBs, he’ll produce often and
well for Parcells. Terry Glenn immediately forgot all that potential with the
now-increasingly lame duck Brett Favre and jumped ship to play for his old coach.
Likewise, he’ll show up big for Bill. What does that tell Antonio Bryant? It means,
his ass better play at Pro Bowl-caliber proportions. Bryant did what was one of the
fucking dumbest things you could ever do in football: he got into a heated verbal argument
with Parcells that required staff members to break up. The only thing bigger than Parcells’
waistline is his ego and he will release you if
he doesn’t like you. Hell, Bucs coach Jon Gruden isn’t even that hardcore and he
canned Keyshawn last season for about the same reasons. After all that though, I believe
things cooled off between the two and Bryant will play his best season ever, like most
players with big potential do under Parcells. He has been demoted to #3 with the arrivals
of Glenn and Johnson. Dedric Ward, another join-along from the Jets, is on deck
regardless. This ultimately means either way that the Cowboys have a talented receiving
corps that will play big. Now, Parcells made no effort to hide his displeasure with RB
Troy Hambrick, especially in regards to his size, and thus Hambrick was dropped at the end
of the season. Parcells wants a nifty between the tackles guy who has
the right combination of size and speed (in other words, a Curtis Martin clone), so the recruitment of
Eddie George at first glance makes sense. But, durability of the RB is also key to
Parcell’ schemes, and George is not that at all. However, Julius Jones fits Parcells’
ideal to a T, but he’s a rookie. Expect a heavy dose of George early on as Jones is
rotated in and gets increasingly more snaps as his progression warrants. Expect FB Richie
Anderson (another Jets refugee) to get plenty of carries as well, since he’s the only
one who is familiar with Parcell’s system. Fortunately, all these guys will be
playing out from behind a solid offensive line. C Al Johnson, recovered from his knee, is
fantastic, and big ol’ Larry Allen still gets it done after all these years. I have
to hand it to Larry – Parcells would rather have a smaller, more athletic unit like
the Broncos’ line, and he again made no effort to conceal his displeasure at Larry’s
big ass, but Larry kept throwing down monster blocks for his shitty RBs and protecting his
shitty QBs all season long. RG Andre Gurode, however, was less than spectacular (but still
pretty good) and he will be challenged by rookie Stephen Peterson. Similarly, LOT Flozell
Adams fought and won his right to squat on the line, meanwhile the right side is up for
grabs. Attacks from the right side of the line will happen, and I guarantee that’s
where the hit that ends Testaverde’s career will come from.
Let’s take a look at that defense,
ranked #1 overall last season. Guess what? Parcell’s wants it
to be even better this year. I’m sure he just rolled tape of the crushing defeat the
Panthers handed to them in the playoffs to hammer home that point. No push on the line and
no aggressive secondary action were the two shortcomings of note in that game. About that
line: DT La Roi Glover is a playmaker, no question. So is Willie Blade, but he gets
clogged in double teams. Sure, at least he commands them, but Parcells wants a guy who not
only gets double teams, but laughs at them. Still, to help in that regard, DT Greg Ellis
has been moved to the right side to hopefully get in and harass the backfield, plus
Marcellus Wiley is in from San Diego, and he ought to shake things up. Now, Parcells likes big LBs in
order to have them shift at will and be virtually indistinguishable from defensive
linemen, so he put LB Dat Nguyen (5’11”, 243 pounds) on the bubble the second he
walked into Cowboys’ camp last preseason. But, as always, Nguyen plays as hard as any
LB in the league and he proved to Parcells that he’s valuable. He plays every down,
too. Dexter Coakley is also kind of small, but it’s hard to bust his balls when he’s
been to the Pro Bowl. Al Singleton turned out to be a nice pick-up, and together, these
guys make for one of the best LB trios in the NFC. Few teams would turn down Dallas’ secondary,
especially SS Roy Williams. He has everything you’d want in a player, plus it’s
only his third season. FS Darren Woodson is still pretty good but the league is slowly
phasing out Woodsons, so expect him to play a more situational role as Tony Dixon is
rotated in to eventually be the starter. It’s almost a crime to not be able to say CB Terrence
Newman isn’t the best player in the Dallas secondary (Williams is just that good) because he’s a stunner
too. He wreaks havoc on the line BUT! An elite QB-WR duo can and has torched him.
If Donavan McNabb and Terrell Owens click, the Cowboys will lose both of their Eagles
games. Pete Hunter is a good CB, but he’s unproven so Bruce Thornton and Jacques
Reeves might be on the field more until things get settled. This ultimately means that
yes, you can throw deep on the Cowboys, but you’d better act now because this is a
limited-time offer.
Dallas has talented players, many of whom are alumni of former Parcells’
teams. It’s hard to imagine that they won’t do well, but for one glaring
problem: I don’t know if they have the QB who can get it done. I don’t think
they do, and it’s going to be the big sticking point this season, the one that will
eventually be their undoing should they make the playoffs. They have a legitimate shot,
though.
New York Giants
Let me make
this clear: new head coach Tom Coughlin wants Kurt Warner to start and excel as a starter.
Coughlin does not want to start a rookie at any position, let alone quarterback. Oh, Hell
no. If camp is any indication however, Warner is only barely ready. He had a lot of
problems learning the new system and frequently got frustrated in a decidedly
non-Christian way (Count to ten, Kurt!). Manning, of course, looked great. So fucking what
I say – top-draft QBs always look good in
camp. Even Ryan Leaf looked good in his first camp. Wait until he plays entire starting
defenses in real time, and then get back to me. Here’s the thing: the Giants may have a losing season
if they start Warner and then eventually start Manning this year, but they certainly will if they start
Manning right away. They may have to anyway, of course. The receiving
corps, a talented mix of Amani Toomer, Ike Hilliard, Tim Carter, and James McKnight, will
be waving their hands around on passing downs like Let’s Make a Deal contestants.
PICK ME! PICK ME! Maybe that’s why is Jerramy Shockey dressed in a gorilla costume.
Hey look RB Ron Dayne actually carried the ball for the first time on TV since, well, last
preseason. But! Coughlin plans to use Dayne this season on the inside, which will work
only if the line creates big holes. Dayne is a nifty runner, not a bruiser, despite his
thick frame. Tike Barber will be counted on to swing outside and also catch balls like a
receiver, and of course fumble at the worst possible times. Oh, and doesn’t Coughlin
love a running back who fumbles? Remember Stacey Mack? Jax RB, cut the year after he
fumbled just a couple times. Barber has fumbled more in a single game than Mack did to
earn a ride on the waiver wire, but we’ll see. Tiki has totally changed the way he
holds the ball. I predicted last season that Giants would face serious problems with their
offensive line. Going into this year, they’ve re-worked it yet again, but the results
may still end up being the same. Nobody’s position is totally decided upon yet except
for C Shaun O’Hara and David Diehl, an undrafted badass who may start at G or OT. LT
Luke Petitgout ought to stay in, but he has a nagging back injury that always forces him
to miss games. The rest of the guys are likewise hurt or green. Injuries form the linemen
and some of the defensive guys forced the usually letter-perfect Coughlin to move back his
minicamps to allow time for these guys to even get anything out of them.
The
defensive line is also in upheaval, even moreso. Last year’s starting DTs, Keith
Hamilton and Cornelius Griffin, are gone. Who’s left? Norman Hand. Norman Hand? Grady
Jackson’s
buffet-busting pal? Fred Robbins is serviceable but injury-prone. Things are better
outside. What makes Michael Strahan so valuable isn’t just his gift at getting to the
QB, but he’s still in there against the run and he’s great at that as well. He’s
also the only guy on the line who can do anything, and he still manages to do plenty. Hey
Keith Washington, how about you throw in some help? How about the LB corps? A trio of
“Buts.” MLB Kevin Lewis is good but is only starting because Nick Greisen is
still developing, SLB Carlos Emmons is very good but is recovering from a broken leg, and
WLB Barrett Green is speedy but too small to be WLB. Safety is the only strong position
for the Giants. Free agent FS Brent Alexander shakes things up, and SS Shaun Williams is a
killer of the line of scrimmage. His mediocre lay was due heavily to injury concerns. Omar
Stoutmire, who used to start, has been relegated to back-up duty because although he’s
smart and plays bigger than his size, he’s terrible at creating turnovers, and new DC
Tim Lewis wants some INTs from his safeties. I said that safety is the strongest position
on defense, but that’s not meant to denigrate CBs Will Allen and Will Peterson. The
problem here is that there’s a third Will at work at CB: Will they be healthy enough
to play? Allen’s foot and Peterson’s back are both big problems that have caused
them to miss game time. Terry Cousin will work great as a nickelback, but he’s not up
for extended play as a flanking CB.
I don’t
expect much from the Giants this year. Philly will show up no matter how many of their
players get hurt, the Skins will show up big, and even though the Cowboys may turn out to
be middling, they’ll win some games and they’ll probably win both of their
Giants games. Coughlin went from a team with a toss-up at QB (capable but injury-prone vet
QB vs. young inexperienced QB), inconsistent running game, and a ton of injury concerns,
to a team that, well, I’m sure you see where this is going.
Philadelphia Eagles
I just want to take this moment and remind Eagle fans
that they once, long ago, booed the drafting of Donavan McNabb over Ricky Williams. You all suck and your team will never make it to the
Super Bowl. I once thought they would but then they went and picked up Terrell Owens, who
somehow managed to do two of the dumbest things possible for a professional football
player: call his former QB a fag and tell Ray Lewis his team sucks and he’d never
want to play there. Karma is so greatly stacked against you guys. Philly fans tell me this
year is their year. Motherfucker, what about the last three years straight? What were
those, practice? Tell your coach to stop being such a genius during the offseason and
regular season and then turn into a mincing wimp in the playoffs. Aw, it wouldn’t
have mattered unless you went in 2002 and faced the Raiders; nobody would have beaten the
Patriots.
However,
there is little reason to think the Eagles aren’t secure for a playoff run. Head
coach Andy Reid is easily one of the best coaches in the league, running a great system (a
variation of the widespread WCO, but very well orchestrated) with a surfeit of talent.
Donovan McNabb is the man. Hell, he’s a man among men – it’s incredible how
many rock-solid, capable QBs there are in the league these days. Once upon a time, McNabb
was all there was to the Eagles. He had no receivers capable of getting open, and RB Duce
Staley was no match for any team with a good run defense. So, instead of folding, McNabb
accounted for 75% of his offense, went to the Pro Bowl and had future Hall of Famers
sitting at his table and telling each other that this guy was the future of pro football.
Plus, he’s still learning and improving. One area he’s working on – and it
isn’t really his fault that he has had to – is throwing into coverage and
trusting his receivers to make the grab. For all of his antics and bullshit, WR Terrell
Owens is a guy you can throw to in coverage and traffic. The Eagles had the worst
receiving unit in the NFC of any playoff team last year, and props to Andy Reid for
improving it in short order. Oh, Owens is susceptible to getting off his game and dropping
easy-ass throws but when he’s on, he’s on. Also, he’s fucking lethal after
he makes the catch and in the end zone. McNabb to Owens is going to break the spirit of a
lot of teams. Interestingly enough, all the Eagles needed was the #1 guy; they already
have perfect #2 and #3 receivers. WR Todd Pinkston is far better suited as a #2 option.
Jesus, standing the lanky Pinky next to the absurdly buff Owens is a study in extremes if
ever there was one. Freddie Mitchell has the best hands on the team which makes him a
great #3 slot receiver. The Eagles let Staley go off to greener pastures in Pittsburgh and they
probably won’t miss him. At least as long as Correll Buckhalter and Brian
Westbrook stay healthy they won’t. When healthy and humming, Buckhalter and Westbrook are the
best running back duo in the league. Plus, neither whine about sharing time on the field.
Looking at the line, I see a pretty formidable unit with few drawbacks. One of those
drawbacks however, is the fact that starting RG will be rookie Shawn Andrews. I’m no
fan of rookie linemen on either side of the ball. He does carry a significant amount of
buzz though, and his presence moves Jermaine Mayberry to the left. Whatever, it’s all
good with C Hank Fraley in the middle. Artis Hicks is available and capable if Andrews isn’t
ready. OTs Tra Thomas and Jon Runyan cement things on the outside. Tra struggled a bit
last season owing to injury problems, but he’s healthy now.
I want to
see large improvement in DT Davian Walker’s game. This motherfucker is big and
strong, he should own the point of attack. He hasn’t though, making Corey Simon do
all the work – which he does, make no mistake. Jevon Kearse and Derrick Burgess are
the starting DEs, but there will be a heavy mix of Jerome McDougle (who was supposed to
jump in as a rookie last year but blew out his ankle) and N.D. Kalu. Kalu will probably be
in on nickel mostly, in case something interesting happens underneath. Kearse will
actually start on the left side, not the pass-rushing left. He has to admit to himself
that his rookie season just isn’t going to resurface, so he’s better off in
support. You know which unit also sucked for the Eagles last season? The linebackers. Carolina’s LBs must
have been pointing and sniggering during the whole NFC championship game. Dhani Jones was
pretty good, but he’ll start this season on the strong side. Sure, he’s fast and
the best option the Eagles have, but I don’t know if he can cover big TEs. MLB Mark
Simoneau curiously got worse and worse as the season wore on, and he was flat fucking
awful in the playoffs. Carolina ran all over Mark and the Eagles. Nate Wayne played just as
shitty. He couldn’t tackle anybody save for the quixotic occasional big play. We need
consistency from you, Nate. The secondary, once the vaunted unit on the Eagles defense, is
still capable but definitely downgraded from seasons past. FS Brian Dawkins is a Pro
Bowler but he was seriously gimpy last season and was out nine games. He wasn’t so
hot when he was in, either – he disappeared in the playoffs. SS Mike Lewis is getting
better and better, but he’s still best suited in run defense and in blitz packages.
That’s fine, the Eagles are blitzing freaks, but since Dawkins’ skills are about
the same, the Eagles come up short in coverage. That used to be no big problem with the
stupendous CB duo of Troy Vincent and Bobby Taylor. They are both history though, hitting
free agency as they did last year. However, Reid knew that was coming, and he knew he
wouldn’t have the scratch to keep one or both of them. So, he drafted guys over the
last couple years and rotated them in. It was masterful; it kept Vincent and Taylor fresh
and gave the guys experience Lito Sheppard is athletic and handy but he is little small,
however plenty of small CBs have gone on to excel. Sheldon Brown is great against the run
but he’s small, too. Now, Rod Hood is a big guy and he may very well supplant one of
the starters in time. Regardless, he’s a perfect nickel.
Running on
the Eagles is an awful idea. Passing is tough due to the Eagles’ unparalleled skill
at blitzing, but if you can get the ball into a downfield big receiver or midrange if you
make an LB to cover, you might get some yards on Philly. You’ll fucking need them,
McNabb and Co. are going to rack up big yards and be finally over their red zone snags of
seasons past. You’ll see them in the playoffs but I doubt they’ll make it to the
show.
Washington Redskins
It’s
as plain as day that the Redskins have been one of the most poorly-coached teams in the
NFL over the past few seasons. Plenty of talent, horrible execution. Any team that can go
0-5 then 5-0 (as they did a few seasons ago) has talent, it’s just not being handled
properly. Steve Spurrier was a terrible idea, obviously. However, owner Dan Snyder is
committed to putting together a winning team. Sure, he’s as annoying as division mate
owner Jerry Jones, but both are big on football and zealous about having them be winners.
I’d rather be a fan of their team than a fan of a team with an uncaring dipshit for
an owner – like, say, the Niners’ Terry Donahue. Hiring back Joe Gibbs as head
coach was the smartest thing Snyder has done since becoming the owner. The Skins have made
it to the playoffs all of once in the ten years that Gibbs has been gone. How much in the
league has changed in ten years? Not much, and Gibbs' philosophy will work just fucking
fine these days: protect the QB, run a lot, and use aggressive defensive play. Teams have
waltzed off with the Lombardi using that basic plan.
I
previously said the Lions had the largest talent upgrade last season of any team, but that’s
mostly because their talent pool was so shallow to begin with. In regards to key
acquisitions, no team went and did like the Redskins did. Christ, did Gibbs ever make it
look easy. “Yawn, I’ll just get QB Mark Brunell and RB Clinton Portis. Next
problem.” I cannot think of a team in NFL history that picked up a Pro Bowl caliber
QB and RB in one offseason. Brunell’s best
days are not behind him. Sure, he won’t be leapfrogging DBs in the open field like he
did in the Jaguar’s implausible playoff run years ago, but he’s great in the
pocket and will thrive if he’s protected and has a legitimate running option. Oh,
what was Gibbs’ philosophy again? Clinton Portis is such a big-ass trade is makes my
head spin. People wonder about Bronco RBs not playing for Denver anymore. Whither
will their rushing skills be without that line? Well, with Portis, the skills will remain
and the respect he commands is second to few. Poor WR Lavaraneus Coles – he’s
one of the best WRs in the league, but you’d never know it any more thanks to the
crap coaching this team has had. He doesn’t exactly walk into a vertical
pass-stats-happy scheme this year, but he’ll get some play. Rod Gardner will probably end
up happier than Coles, his big ass is a perfect target and fits Gibbs’ style to a T.
The T in this case, however, is trouble getting off the line sometimes. Come on, Rod.
Darnavarian McCants can and James Thrash still has some gas. All in all a good receiving
corps, and all the talent Gibbs needs for his plans. As mentioned, Gibbs knows above all
else that you have to have a solid offensive line. Unfortunately, the line Gibbs inherits
needs lots of work. It all starts at center and although Lennie Friedman played well, he’ll
be challenged by Cory Raymer just to make sure he’s playing his best. RG Randy Thomas
is pretty good and I hope he’s healthy – he had to miss the first preseason game
due to injury. RT Kenyatta Jones cements the right side. Both LG Derrick Dockery and LT
Chris Samuels need to up their game in a big way, they are the weakest links on the line.
I expect Gibbs to work on the line in the next offseason.
The
defensive line needs some work as well, as it’s easily the worst unit on the Skins’
D. DT Cornelius Griffin is big, strong, and mobile, but he needs better coaching –
which he ought to get. Brandon Noble is pretty good if he’s over his knee injury. The
big problems are at end. Reynaldo Wynn and Phillip Daniels don’t suck outright, but
neither can generate consistent pressure or get to the QB enough. A plan to help the
Redskins show up at the line is to have outstanding LB LavAr Arrington set as an end in
passing downs. Nobody wants Arrington coming at them. Props to Arrington for holding
preseason meetings with his D to get them all on the same page and in addressing fans,
asking them to give them a chance this year. Arrington moves to the weak side because his
#1 mission this year is to hit the QB. At strong is Marcus Washington, who is fast and
strong and ought to thrive at that position. Mike Barrow owns the middle. Things look good
in the secondary. FS Sean Taylor is a solid player; he has good coverage skills and speed.
SS Matt Bowen is likewise capable. With the loss of CB Champ Bailey in the Portis trade, a
drop in CB ability is expected. However, it’s not as bad as it could be. Fred Smoot
is awesome in press coverage and zone, although a burning WR can easily dust him. Shawn Springs still some gas
left, using his smarts and experience to keep his play up to snuff. I’m hoping for
good play from Ade Jimoh, and Walt Harris, who is 30. These guys will probably be on the
field a lot to keep Springs fresh.
The
Redskins have obviously been underperforming over the past few seasons. This season, that
will not be a problem. Gibbs is a God in Washington and he garners tons of respect from
players and coaches alike. That alone will give the Skins a serious boost. Plus, he’s
no paper tiger with his scheming. The Skins will win games and challenge for a playoff
spot.
 Bill Dungsroman
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