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Chicago Bears
Whatever it
was that head coach Dick Jauron did to catapult his Bears into playoff contenders a couple
seasons ago is long gone – thus, Jauron was fired after last season’s end (he
just went down the road to Detroit to serve as the Lions’ DC). I’m willing to bit Jauron
started taking down the pictures in his office and sneaking out printer paper about the
time that they tried to get Jake Plummer as their quarterback and ended up with Kordell
Stewart instead. Stewart was one of the worst QBs in the league last season, so now he’s
with the Ravens as a back-up. In comes Lovie Smith as head coach, a former defensive
coordinator, since Chicago’s front office loves hiring former DCs (and then get mad
when the offense fails to produce). Smith hired Ron Rivera as his DC (linebackers coach
for Philly for the last five seasons) and Terry Shea as his OC, himself from KC as the QB
coach for the past three years. If any team needs an OC with big-time experience as a QB
coach, it’s Chico. With Stewart gone, The Future Is Now and that future is Rex
Grossman. At the end of last season, when playoffs were a long-foregone conclusion and
Jauron figured he’d give whoever his replacement was some real game-time film for
Grossman, Rex threw all over the Vikings and Redskins. Hopefully, career back-up Jonathan
Quinn will be able to tutor him some, as well as getting
strong guidance from Shea. Still, lots of learning to do here and more importantly, is
there sufficient talent to help Grossman develop? Not the way Shea wants the offense to
develop, no. Shea wants to stretch the field and rack up big YACs. Too bad Jauron liked a
WCO-style, ball-control offense, and filled his roster with big slow possession guys. WR
Marty Booker wasn’t too bad at getting down the field but oops, he’s gone to Miami. David Terrell couldn’t
torch a secondary with a ten-gallon drum of napalm, although he’s the man on third
down and in the red zone. Yeah, but the Bears have to get to the red zone first. Justin
Gage is a big guy but he’s probably the fastest receiver on the team, and as that
idiot Stuart Scott would say, “Da boy has mad hops.” Daryl Jones comes in from
the Giants to work out of the slot and he’s actually a pretty good player, if a bit
green. RB Anthony Thomas apparently blew his wad during that fabled winning season as
well, because he’s a chump and incoming Thomas Jones – Thomas Jones! – beat
his fat ass outright in camp to be the starter. The A-Train will now only run when the
offense wants a change of pace and the aroma of freshly-eaten cheeseburger on the field. Ze good news: the offensive line is rock-solid. C
Olin Kreutz was begged to stay when he went up for free agency, so he did and he deserves
every dime he gets. Gs Mike Gandy, Ruben Brown, OTs Qasim Mitchell (the only potential
weak link) and newcomer John Tait round out a great line with a quality bench.
The defense
under Rivera has undergone a philosophy change. Remember all those big fat lineman with
the tiny little numbers on their jerseys? Well, Rivera wants smaller, more athletic guys
to sneak around slow offensive linemen and create havoc in the backfield. So the Bears
drafted nimble dudes like Tommie Harris and Terry Johnson. Harris already won his starting
job (no surprise, he was the 14th overall pick in the draft), but Alfonso Boone
got his shit together and remains at NT despite his monstrous size. DE Alex Brown likewise
shed 20 pounds to fit that new DL image, and no lineman fits the mold better than Adewale
Ogunleye, in from the Dolphins in the Booker trade. Built small, plays big.; Ogunleye is
easily the second-best defensive starter on the team next to, of course, LB Brian
Urlacher. Lovie told Urlacher he wants “five and five” from him this season:
five interceptions, five sacks. Last season Brian racked up only 2.5 sacks and zero INTs,
but naturally he led the team in tackles. Good luck on those INTs Brian – I’m
sorry, but he’s no coverage master. Lance Briggs, as hard-hitting as Urlacher (and
about as mediocre in coverage), gets promoted to weakside LB from strong. SLB is Joe Odom,
another great tackler but likes to get injured. A close third to Ogunleye is FS Mike
Brown, who runs the secondary and acts like an on-field coach during games. The Bears need
him to be a coach, because SS Mike Green has a lot of potential but requires some
guidance. CB Charles Tillman is only in his
second year, so he’ll benefit from Brown’s tutelage; he already has, his rookie
performance last season was so outstanding he was handed the starting job this year. R.W
McQuarters managed to hold onto his starting job, beating Jerry Azumah so badly Azumah
will only be seen in dime, maybe. Not a bad secondary altogether, and better than last
year’s.
The Bears
will not suck as hard as they did last season, by any means. In fact, I expect really good
things from them. I expect them to fight hard for a playoff spot, but probably not get it
because they don’t have the easiest schedule ever. However, I think this division is
going to bust wide open, as Brett Favre loses steam, the Vikings hit and miss every other
week, and the Lions spike in performance as well. Who knows, but the chances are
definitely better. Considering they went 7-9 last year, going 10-6 isn’t out of the
question at all, and that record was good enough for Green
Bay to win the division. Keep an eye on these dudes.
Detroit Lions
On paper, I
simply cannot think of another team in the league that has undergone such a serious
upgrade in talent as the Lions have this past offseason. It certainly helps that they had
virtually none to speak of last year, but still. QB Joey Harrington isn’t the QB head
coach Steve Mariucci would prefer as his starter, but Mooch runs a very QB-friendly
system. High-percentage short and medium pass plays, lots of rushing plays; the only
demand is that the QB needs to keep an eye downfield for the impromptu first down scramble
as opposed to just dancing around in the backfield to try to get a good pass off. Mooch
looks at that 9+ yards per rush average that his old QB Jeff Garcia had in his last season
as Niners head coach and sighs. If only…
Mike McMahon has actually improved as well, but he’ll never be a guaranteed starter,
just insurance. Why the fuck is Rick Mirer still in the league? Actually, Mirer’s
inspired fill-in play for the Raiders last year was the best I’ve ever seen out of
him since his rookie season. I’d consider upgrading him to second-string – he
already knows the system from back when he was playing for Mooch with the Niners.
Surprise! The Lions have the best receiving unit in the NFC North. Former first-round pick
WR Charles Rogers wowed ‘em in camp once again, and hopefully he’ll remain
healthy and produce. Rogers will be the flanker per the West Coast Offense with Roy Williams
split wide to get downfield. Finally, Mooch wised up and has put Az Zahir Hakim back in
the slot where former Rams coach Dick Vermiel had him. And don’t forget Tai Streets,
a rock-solid #2 guy with the Niners who will no doubt work his way up the roster. TE
Stephen Alexander comes on board, which is good for him; Mooch loves using his TEs as
receivers. Remember when RB Olandis Gary rushed for well over 1000 yards for Denver? I guess the Lions
don’t, he’s a tentative #3 behind first-round pick Kevin Jones and second-year
guy Artiose Pinner. Jones has the speed and vision, so much so that opposing defense are
going to have to commit a safety or speedy LB to make sure he’s accounted for on
every down. Mariucci loves assembling a
top-flight rushing attack by committee and he seems to have the guys for it. With Eric
Beverly and Ray Brown gone, the offensive line is in need of fat guys to fall on defensive
players. In comes Damien Woody from the Patriots to help OT Stockar McDougle and…a
bunch of guys I have never heard of. Well, C Dominic Raiola looks promising, but in
reality McDougle is rather error-prone. This line needs help.
How about
the defensive line? Well, DT Shaun Rogers is young, big, and fast. He’s a Pro Bowler
in the making and he gets to line up alongside Dan “Fat Daddy” Wilkinson, who
– surprise! – is in terrific shape, even if that shape is a lumpy oblong.
Wilkinson has apparently utterly converted himself from the overpaid, overeating cap
nightmare he used to be to a model player. I expect his leg will fall off by midseason in
karmic retribution for being such a load for the last six years. DE James Hall has been
forced to play on the left after two years on the right and he doesn’t like it. But,
he may get moved back since Kalimba Edwards is hurt and it’s better to put Robert
Porcher in at left, moving Hall back to the right than put Jared DeVries in at right.
Mariucci prizes his LB corps, mostly because it’s easy as Hell to assemble one. Too
bad both Boss Bailey and James Davis are hurt, though. However, you’ll still see some
decent play out of Earl Holmes, Donte Curry, and whoever the fuck else they use to fill in
until the hurt guys get better. FS Brock Marion followed the blueprint for big-money free
agency defensive backs to the letter: play like shit, then get hurt. Nice job, Brock!
Fortunately, Terrence Holt was a rookie delight last season (three INTs) and he can be
counted on to hold the fort. But, new DC Dick Jauron expects a lot from his safeties and
while Holt may handle it, I doubt SS Brian Walker will. Walker doesn’t tackle
well and is about as fast as his surname implies. Added bonus: he sucks in man-to-man
coverage, which is a really big shortcoming in a division with Daunte Culpepper and Brett
Favre throwing at you. CB Dre’ Bly was all alone and exposed out there last season,
just like his wayward apostrophe. So in comes free agent Fernando Bryant to complement
him. That’s a solid duo, better than any Mooch has had to work with, but the bench is
all draft picks. The Lions will fear Five-Wide; they just don’t have the personnel to
cover it.
It sure
would be nice to see the Lions win some games this year, recovering as they are from GM
Matt Millen’s Take No Prisoners/Win No Games philosophy. They might, but this
secondary is too shaky and the LB corps is gimpy. Teams with no vertical game will
struggle against Detroit, but elite QBs with dependable TEs and #3 WRs will laugh at the
Lions’ feeble attempts to stop them. 8-8 looks pretty good for them, and they could
easily play spoiler in their division. Hey, they used to be the worst team in football.
Green Bay Packers
Brett Favre
is such a goddamned pimp. Will any QB ever start as many consecutive games he has,
potentially every single one since being named starter for his entire career? Will that QB
march into the playoffs with regularity and command the utmost respect every season, every
game, as Favre does? Maybe one of those thing separately, but not all of those things
together, in one QB. I mean, Jesus. You kill Brett Favre’s father, he just plays
twice as good. What the Hell? This season, it’s no rumor: Favre has declared
Superbowl Or Bust. Oh, he tried to backpedal and say that every year it’s Superbowl
Or Bust, but we all know that’s not true. Brett means Superbowl And Retirement. Talk
about lose-lose: win Superbowl, lose Favre. Fail to make Superbowl, perhaps keep Favre,
maybe lose him anyway. You can tell the Packers are definitely worrying about their future
at QB; they tried out Tim Couch in preseason. They cut him after he sucked and the Packer
fans booed him. Packer fans are notoriously well-mannered – I didn’t even know
they knew how to boo a QB. I suspect Brown fans snuck in from Cleveland and instigated
the razz. Now, it’s maybe Damon Huard, who once almost won a starting job in Miami and then didn’t.
There’s a pedigree for you. Oh yeah, there’s Doug Pederson. Wowwee. Back to
Brett: he’s such a goddamned pimp. But, like most pimps, he needs to keep his pimp
hand in check and only bust it out when he needs to school some (defensive) bitches. He
has RB Ahman fucking Green, for Lombardi’s sake. If Green wasn’t so fumblicious,
he’d be the best RB in the NFC. He also has Najeh Davenport around to get the tough
short yards. The WR corps really put it together last season, all the more impressive
since they were mostly bench dudes who earned playing time by attrition. Javon Walker has
evolved into a big-play go-to guy, but this offense is strictly West Coast and Javon needs
to make his nut underneath also. He needs to set up his routes and gain big yards after
the catch. Robert Ferguson is much better in that regard, too bad he’s shittier at
everything else. You’re always going to hear Donald Driver’s name being called
in games, the guy is routinely making nice catches. He’ll be a starter before long.
The interior line of Flanigan, Wahle and Rivera are now in their fourth consecutive year
as starters, and that continuity has been great for the Packers’ offense. OTs Chad “My Leg!” Clifton and Mark Tauscher
are solid as well. The offense ranked fourth overall last season for reasons other than
Favre’s inspired play, you know.
Head coach
Mike Sherman was not impressed with his defense’s middling performance last year, so
he canned his DC and brought in Bob Slovik to fix it. His solution: drop fat guys on the
line and allow the LBs to shoot around make plays. DTs Grady Jackson – who actually
looks in shape – and Cletidus Hunt will do nicely. Slovik has been mentoring Kabeer
Gbaja-Biamila to mold him into a Pro Bowl DE. Sure, KGB had ten sacks last season, but
none of them were key. He might get limited time and be utilized in a situational
capacity, like on third downs and such. Aaron Kampman could get his shit together and help
out once in awhile too, since Jamal Reynolds
is a fucking bust and Chukie Nwokorie (can’t any of the guys be named Bob?) is suited
only as a back-up, or maybe do token first and second-down duty to set things up for KGB.
MLB Nick Barnett is fast and aggressive, but teams have often used those very traits
against him as he flies towards where the ball was and watches it trot downfield as he
falls ignobly into the turf. WLB Na’il Diggs is great when he’s healthy. He’s
just rarely healthy. SLB Hannibal Navies was solid last year, though; this LB trio is
pretty good when it’s healthy and humming. Safety is no concern for the Packers: FS
Darren Sharper is the best player on Green Bay’s defense and it’s expected that free agent SS Mark
Roman will be an impact player. Now, CB Mike “Predator” McKenzie has expressed a
desire to be traded. He’s not long for the team, so Michael Hawthorne is being
groomed to replace him and start alongside the dependable Al Harris. He’ll be in
nickel until then and first-round pick Ahmad Carroll, one of the fastest players in the
whole draft, will serve in dime and move up to nickel in time. Mickey Mac is good but
after awhile, he won’t be missed with his stupid dreadlocks flapping gaily in the
breeze.
If Favre is
as pumped for a Superbowl run as he was a month ago, opposing teams had better watch the
Hell out. I don’t think that fire is going to burn all season long – it may
already be out. Maybe they should kill his mom, or something. Still, nobody wants to play
the Packers ever, and with good reason. These guys ahould get into the playoffs without
too much problem, but a hungrier team might inch them out like the Panthers did last
season.
Minnesota Vikings
I’ll
say this slowly and loudly: THE VIKINGS HAD THE
BEST OFFENSE IN THE LEAGUE LAST YEAR. I know, I know: huh? How? How did a lunchbox
like Mike Tice coach this team to a 9-7 record and flirt with a playoff berth? Turns out
he’s a pretty good coach and he knows how to utilize his players. OC Scott Lineham
would like to see more verticality out of QB Daunte Culpepper, since he’s got the arm
and the top three WRs for the Vikes - Randy
Moss, Kelly Campbell, and Marcus Robinson – are all
deep threats. Daunte needs to get it together n the red zone, though. The Greatest Show on
Turf ain’t dead, it’s just trying to relocate to Minnesota. What’s
more, the Vikings’ playbook is stuffed with four wide receiver sets, so Nate Burlson
will be on the field a lot more than most #4 guys would. While the Glory Boys shoot
downfield, ol’ Nate will hang around in the middle and use his diagram-perfect
route-running skills to control the underneath. With the loss of TE Byron Chamberlain, who
wasn’t doing much for them anyway, the Vikings acquired Jermaine Wiggins to catch
some stuff in the middle as well. Like the receiving corps, RB Michael Bennett is a
straight-up burner. Onterrio Smith and Moe Williams tote the rock with equal aplomb. This
is all behind a silly good line. C Matt Birk is a Pro Bowler with good reason and is as
smart as his Harvard degree implies; his pull blocks are second-to-none and open up the
Vikings’ rushing attack. Gs Chris Liwienski and David Dixon are just as big and tough
as Birk. OT Bryant McKinnie was a legendary contract holdout two years ago; now, he’s
earning it. He’s even twenty pounds lighter with no loss in strength. Meanwhile, Mike
Rosenthal upped his weight, and both he and McKinney hover around 330. Rosey’s a little injury-prone though, and
rookie Nat Dorsey is being groomed to eventually replace his creaky ass.
So why didn’t
the Vikes roll into the playoffs? Defense, obviously. So here comes new DC Ted Cotrell,
renowned as a defensive guru. He does have something to work with. DT Kevin Williams’
rookie season was awesome, for starters. He nabbed 10.5 sacks and with a little
fine-tuning, he’s a Pro Bowler. His presence will allow perennial-badass Chris Hovan
to stop having to face double teams on every down. DE Kenny Mixon is a wall in rush but
not so much in pass. As such, Kenechi Udeze was drafted to eventually be a formidable
pass-rushing end. He’s got some game against the run, too. Good news and bad news in
regards to the linebacking corps. The good: they’re fast, talented, and athletic. The
bad: they’re injury-prone and green. SLB Chris Claiborne is the playmaker in this
unit, but more will be required of Dontarrius Thomas and E.J Henderson. The secondary,
long a sore spot for the Vikings, looks to be much improved over units in the past. SSS
Corey Chavous is the one star mainstay, and his Pro Bowl honors reflect it. FS Brian
Russell worked his nuts off to avoid resting them on the bench, and his nine INTs last
season were all he needed to secure a starting spot. Antoine Winfield has been brought in
from the Bills, a serious upgrade at CB. Ken Irvin was supposed to just play in nickel,
but he did so well in camp and preseason, he grabbed the starter spot over Brian Williams,
who himself will be a quality nickelback. Eric Kelly is solid in dime.
Definite
improvement on defense and no reason to doubt the top-flight offense bodes well for the
Vikings this year. They might be the team to beat in the NFC North; the first month or two
will tell the tale, whether or not Minnesota has it together and/or if Green
Bay has the fire.
 Bill Dungsroman
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