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| Bill Dungsroman 9/10/2004 |
Arizona Cardinals
It’s a shame Dave
McGinnis was such a mediocre coach, working for such a lame club; word on the streets of Phoenix was the guy was a
real class act. Sorry Dave, but with the talent finally coming in, it’s time for a
new coach. Enter Dennis Green. Remember him? Minnesota fired him because he only got them to the playoffs, and never
past the NFC Championship game. I mention that because Philly coach Andy Reid would be
flipping burgers if he was the head coach of Minnesota (or San Francisco, or Tampa Bay). Green is a very good coach. The only reason that you haven’t
seen his face lately is that his asking price is tailored to what he brings to the table.
Naturally, this makes his hiring by the Cardinals all the more surprising. Green’s
biggest downfall in Minnesota was the overblown ego problem of its players. No problems here
in Loserville,
Arizona. When
your biggest ego belongs to Emmitt Smith, you’re in good shape. Plus, unlike other
head coaches who typically shy away from young talent, Green welcomes it and is highly
adept at developing young guys. He has a good eye for it too, seeing as how he drafted
Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss among other Viking mainstays. His eye has been firmly on
QB Josh McCown, and he must like what he sees. He announced literally on his first day as
head coach that McCown was the starter for the year. McCown got all those accolades last
season for being the trigger guy to help WR Anquan Bolden earn Rookie of the Year Honors,
and he deserved them. That absurd pass to kick the Vikings out of the playoffs at the end
of the season is just a flashy neon sign for the day-in, day-out work McCown put in last
season, and how much he has improved as a result of it. His rhythm with Bolden is obvious,
but I see better synch with Bryant Johnson as well. It’s just up to Johnson not to
drop so many goddamn balls this year. Look to see Bolden isolated on one side of the line
of scrimmage with everyone else on the other side. Guess what – rookie WR Larry
Fitzgerald is even faster than Bolden, and arguably has better hands. Maybe not this year,
but next year and certainly thereafter, this WR corps will be the envy of the league.
Okay, where are the old guys? Ah, it’s at RB. There’s Smith, who really should
have retired by now. His presence in Arizona is merely an indicator of the ridiculous depths of desperation Arizona had fallen to. The
hilarious irony here is, Troy Hambrick was signed to back up Smith and Marcel Shipp (Shipp
is out for the season, however). Remember Hambrick? He was drafted by the Cowboys to
eventually replace Smith. He sort of did, but then Bill Parcells rolled into town and gave
him a year, then axed him. Add in Josh Scobey, who is the fastest RB on the roster (he
just hasn’t figured out what to do about it yet), and you have a pretty serviceable
running back by committee working here. Green usually eschews involvement from the
fullback beyond blocking duties, but he might give Obafemi Ayanbadejo or James Hodgins
some grabs to help out the ground game. Why the Hell did G Cameron Spikes move from left
to right? Because Green likes running to the backside. Again using his keen eye for young
talent, Green handed the starting center job to Alex Stepanovich, who was flat-out awesome
as a rookie last season. Why is LOT LJ Shelton a back-up when he started last season?
Because he’s fat and he sucked. Yeah, but Leonard Davis is no Pro Bowler.
Furthermore, none of the tackles on the roster are. And next year’s first-round draft
pick is…?
It’s no secret: the
Cardinals perennially have had one of the worst defensive lines in the league. Anyone who
performs remotely adequate has skipped the first train out of town as soon as possible.
However, it was finally starting to get its shit together last year, and Green has rolled
in and has addressed it immediately. Why, I think…I think I see talent there! Yes, there’s Peppi Zellner,
Darnell Dockett, Russell Davis, and Bert Berry, four actual worthy starters. Kyle Vanden
Bosch is actually a back up! He can thank his knee for that, though. Okay, I know: who the
Hell is Bert Berry? A new Ben & Jerry’s flavor? He quietly nabbed 11.5 sacks as a
Bronco last season. Former FRP Calvin Pace is also a back-up, because it was his turn to
be the Cardinals’ FRP bust. Green likes having an athletic LB to make plays
sideline-to-sideline and tailors his defensive schemes to him. Luckily, he has WLB Raynoch
Thompson, who was easily the Cards’ best defensive player last season. MLB Ronald
McKinnon is a good player, and he asked Green to keep him in in nickel, where McGinnis
used to take him out. Hey, even SLB Karlos Dansby looks pretty good. With a little
bandaging and luck, the secondary looks pretty good. At worst, it is certainly improved on
paper. FS Quentin Harris is capable and did very well as a back-up at both safety
positions last year, and SS Adrian Wilson is very good. CB Duane Starks is a shut-down
corner, really. Unfortunately, he himself is shut down this year with a bum knee. There’s
free agent addition David Macklin to secure the other side, but the rest of the dudes don’t
wow me. If anything, they help make McKinnon make his case for staying in in nickel.
The Cardinals may have
arguably improved simply by the hiring of Green, but they have definitely improved
talent-wise. There is a lot to sort out however, and although being flush with young
talent pays its dividends over time, there are obvious and unavoidable growing pains in
the beginning. I expect the Cardinals to suffer those, yet finish strong and kick off next
year with respect.
San Francisco 49ers
Club owner John York is a
fucking cheap asshole faggot loser who is already well on his way in his
passive-aggressive goal to fucking ruin this storied franchise. John York once asked,
shortly after becoming the club owner (because the club was actually given to his wife
after Eddie Debartolo had to give it up), asked if players could play both sides of the
ball – with a straight face. York’s dream roster consists of only eleven guys. Think of all
the money he’d save! That’s how York thinks. That’s how the Clippers owners used to think, it’s
how the Warriors owners used to think, it’s how the Cardinals owners usually think.
The thread of continuity here? All of those clubs do suck or have sucked running under
that miserly mandate. When the bottom line is literally the bottom line and not the
happier idealistic proverbial one of “Win Games,” everybody loses. It’s why
I wish Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hadn’t thought up the plan that all club owners
share equal parts of merchandising profits. That reduces incentives for a team to be good
and for bandwagoners to want to buy the team’s shit. So, if York ever cares, it will
be years from now when attendance at home games drops to 20K and York gets unhappy that
the ungrateful fans won’t attend his sorry-ass clubs’ drubbings at home. So, how
do you make your club go from playoff contender to a bunch of young directionless
nobodies? Fire your winning coach, then trade or release your starting (Pro Bowl)
quarterback, your starting (former Pro Bowl) running back, and not just your starting (Pro
Bowl, arguably best in league) wide receiver but, yes, both of your starting WRs. Who do
you hire as your replacement coach? A friend who has a mediocre record and will work for
cheap because you don’t really care if he wins and you won’t fire him for
several seasons, even if they are all losing ones. Oh, and replace all those players with
whoever the Hell was behind them on the bench. Now, a small degree of fairness. Dennis
Erickson came into last season with a pro record one game below .500 with the Seahawks. I
suppose you could do worse, but you could have done better. You could have hired Dennis
Green but my, is he expensive! That doesn’t save money. You could have promoted
former defensive coordinator Jim Mora instead of letting him go to Atlanta, taking offensive
coordinator Greg Knapp with him. But you claim you want a vertical passing game, so no
promotion of DCs. That just flies in the face of the New San Fran Philosophy. Instead, you
hire Erickson, who spends a season realizing he does not, in fact, coach the Rams and
starts running the shit out of the ball and relying on a thankfully pretty good defense.
Dipshit York forgets absolutely every reason why he made the decisions he made a year ago
(or not; they were all financially related, let’s be honest) and goes with whatever
Erickson tells him (as long as it doesn’t involve spending). So, they slap a
franchise tag on LB Julian Peterson and let all the offensive players bolt., and play a
game more or less like they did under Steve Mariucci – whom they claimed they let go
because of a difference in “philosophies.” Yeah, Mooch wanted to spend a little
money to keep a core of good players and fucking win games. You could park an aircraft
carrier in the gulf between York’s philosophy and Mooch’s. And, you know, everyone else’s.
Now again, to be fair, Erickson wants to put together a winning club, and history favors
the performance of second-time NFL coaches over their first foray. However, the Niners
played inconsistently and in great disarray last season. The Ravens cream them! They stomp
the Eagles! The Cardinals clown them! They batter the Rams! But hey, QB Tim Rattay went
2-1 as a starter last year, and looked pretty good. He has the arm former QB Jeff Garcia
does not have, but lacks the mobility (look for the shotgun much more this year). However,
he does not have WRs Terrell Owens or Tai Streets to throw it to anymore – Owens
bounced to Philly and Streets to Detroit. That promotes Cedrick Wilson and Brandon Lloyd to starter
status. Rattay is happy that Lloyd will start, as they already have developed a rhythm
after working together on the B squad all last season. Curtis Conway mysteriously appears
to add mediocre journeyman flavor on the roster. Rookie Rashaun Woods (a great combo of
size and speed), Derrick Hamilton (6’4”, who may move up the roster by the end
of the season) and Arnaz Battle round out a
decent squad, but one without a proven game-breaker. TE Eric Johnson is going to be relied
on heavily to make catches and will come out in 2-TE sets with Aaron Walker. The release
of RB Garrison Hearst is the most acceptable loss the Niners took this last off-season.
Kevan Barlow appears to be capable of handling starting duties. He consistently ran for
100+ yards in every game Hearst was out due to injury; indeed, he ran for 154 yards each
in the Ravens loss and the Eagles win. Terry Jackson and Jamal Robertson are still around
to spell Barlow as necessary, plus All-Pro FB Fred Beasley as well. C Jeremy Newberry is
worth his weight in gold, as is any Pro Bowl center. He’ll be flanked by LG Eric
Heitmann and either Justin Smiley or Kyle Kosier on the right to replace Ron Stone, who
will be missed. OTs Scott Gragg and Kwame Harris are dependable guys who round out what
should be a solid line.
It’s sad to say, but
former All-Pro DT Bryant Young is definitely showing his age. He certainly can’t play
60 or so downs like he used to, so he’s going to be saved up and the Niners will
rotate guys in and out of the lineup to attempt to keep everyone fresh. So, there will be
more from Anthony Adams and Tony Brown, plus
expect to see DEs move inside as LBs move up to the line to assist. That’s good news,
since DE Andre Carter is easily the team’s best defensive lineman, and John
Engleberger and new addition Brandon Whiting are no slouches either. Additionally, the
Niners still have one of the best LB corps in the league. They slapped a franchise tag on
SLB Julian Peterson, which pissed him off and prompted a holdout. Julian and the club
finally reached a compromise, but I hate it when defensive players miss camp and/or part
of the preseason due to holdouts. It spells midseason injury due to poor conditioning or
just bad karma. The Niners need Peterson on the field, though. Julian can blitz and cover better than any LB in the NFC, bar none.
MLB Derek Smith is woefully underrated and contributes heavily. WLB Jeff Ulbrich’s
eye for the ball never wavers. WLB Jamie Winborn’s speed and ball-hawking ability
bought him a spot in 3-4 and nickel packages. Even though Peterson got the franchise
stamp, he is not far and away the best defensive player on the team. SS Tony Parrish is,
quite simply, The Man. He came over from Chicago and was given a fat contract to bolster the secondary, and he
has done so without question. Immune to the usual pitfalls that always seem to accompany
big free agent contracted defensive backs, Parrish has played as good (and at times, even
better) then he ever has, and has yet to miss a game due to injury – a rarity among
strong safeties period, let alone good ones. 16 INTs over the last two seasons speaks
volumes about the man as well. FS Zack Bronson moved along with his own fat paycheck but
unlike Parrish, Bronson was very injury-prone. Hopefully, Ronnie Heard will avoid that
problem (he’s gotten some dings in the past though), but the good news is, he’s
had a lot of game time subbing for Bronson in the past. CB Ahmed Plummer is this close to
being a shut-down feared corner. He isn’t yet, so teams will throw on him and he will
get flagged a lot for PI due to his aggressive style. Mike Rumph will start opposite
Plummer, beating out departed Jason Webster last season for the job. Rumph is still better
suited as a nickel guy, with his formidable size, run-stopping skills, and blitzing
ability. Jimmy Williams gets the nickel job, and he’s not too bad. Rumph may keep the
starting job, but he may be moved into the nickel slot with Williams on the outside in
nickel.
There is no way in Hell a
club with an owner as limp and chintzy as the Niners’ can expect to have a very good
season. 8-8? Wow, not even. 7-9 would be a runaway success for these guys.
St. Louis Rams
QB Marc Bulger has been
signed through the ’07 season, so Rams fans had better hope he’s the guy. In
order to be the guy, however, he needs to reduce mistakes that lead to turnovers. 22 TDs
is great, but not so much when listed next to 22 INTs, Bulger’s stats for last year.
Numbers like that might get you a 12-4 record but they will get you a boot from the
playoffs, where turnovers are devastating. But Hell, it was a double-OT boot by the
Panthers. Sticking with Bulger ain’t so bad. I swear, from all the bad press head
coach Mike Martz and Bulger get, you’d think the Rams went 4-12 instead. Yes, Mike
Martz is stupid and his criminal underuse of RB Marshall Faulk is a travesty unto Mankind,
but the Rams are still the team to beat in the NFC West. Sure, Seattle is on a pronounced
upswing and the Cardinals are gaining ground, but the playoff spot in this division still
runs through the Arch. Just pray Bulger stays healthy. The back-ups are Chris Chandler
HAHAHAHAHA and Jeff Smoker, who will die if he gets put under center. The Rams used to be
stocked to the gills with WR talent, but even today they still have one of the best
starting tandems in the game in Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce. Holt is one of the best WRs in
the game, period, and Bruce demands respect with his precision routes and hands. Plus,
Dane Looker has worked out great in the slot and Mike Furrey grabbed a ton of balls in the
second half of last season when the other WRs were a little gimpy. Hakim who? Proehl what?
TE Brandon Manumaleuna has as good a pair of hands as any TE in the league. This WR corps
is as good, if not better, than the Super Bowl-winning roster. In addition to RB Faulk
never getting the snaps he deserves, the Rams are looking to have another guy spell him
anyway. Yeah, okay. Lamar Gordon had a shot last season when Faulk was hurt, and he
sucked. So, here comes first round pick (MARTZ STUPIDITY ALERT: having Faulk on your team
and taking a RB with your first pick? Come on,
Mike) Steven Jackson. Faulk is nifty with great vision, hands and just enough power to get
those extra yards; Jackson is all power. Martz says he’ll use two-back sets; yeah
right, Mike. The good news: the Rams’ starting offensive line of C Wohlabaugh, Gs
Nutten and McCollum, and OTs Pace and Turley are easily one of the biggest, nastiest and
best offensive lines in the league – maybe the best in the NFC. The bad news: most of
these guys are hurt (Turley is definitely out, Wohlabaugh is a maybe at best), and the
bench material is wanting. Look to see St. Louis try to pick some dudes up to help out. The best way to beat the
Rams last season was to attack them at the line; that may be the key again this season.
The Rams bid good-bye to DC
Lovie Smith as he accepted the head coaching job in Chicago, so in comes Larry Marmie. Do you know who he is? He probably
hopes you don’t: he was the Cardinals DC for the last three years, and their DB coach
before that. Beyond re-uniting and breathing a commiserate sigh of relief with FS Aeneas
Williams over getting out of Arizona, what the Hell is he going to bring to the table? The Rams
finished 16th overall in defense last season, and they owe their winning record
in large part to them (somebody had to stall out the drives set up by those 22 picks).
Also, the defensive line is as potential-heavy yet injury-prone as the offensive line. DTs
Ryan Pickett and Damione Lewis and last year’s FRP, Jimmy Kennedy, are all gimpy
dudes who could be elite if they weren’t so, well, gimpy. DE Leonard Little got
tagged with a felony DUI in the offseason, so who knows what his eligibility status will
be for all of the season. Grant Wistrom bounced to division rival Seattle, so there goes
your starting ends. Bryce Fisher and Tyoka Jackson? Please. You know how I’m always
going off about great LB corps? Well, the Rams don’t have one. Oh, SLB Tommy Polley
is great in coverage but he’s terrible against the run – and with that line,
they’re going to need the LBs to contribute heavily to run support. MLB Robert Thomas
is as injury-prone as the line, so he’s not much help. However! WLB Pino Tinoisamoa
was dope as a rookie last season, so here’s hoping he improves to help this
flagging-ass unit. With all the bullshit attached to the front seven, it’s of no
surprise that the Rams’ schemes are tailored to funnel plays to the safeties,
Williams and heavy-hitting SS Adam Archuleta. Make no mistake: these guys are what make
the Rams defense tick. Even though CBs Travis Fisher and Jeremetrius Butler are
dependable, neither are over 5’10” and I wouldn’t be surprised if at least
one of the guys loses his starting job to a taller CB.
Mike Martz is stupid and I
hate that his team does so well. I’m not sure about 12-4 this year, but there’s
little reason to think they won’t be playoff contenders again this season. If every
questionable player gets injured and Bulger flounders, there could be trouble. I doubt
that very much, though.
Seattle Seahawks
“We’re gonna get
the ball and we’re gonna SCORE!” These words must echo in QB Matt Hasselbeck’s
head daily. Does anything compare to stepping so firmly on your dick on a national forum
like Matt did, grinning and talking smack to former mentor Brett Favre’s face before
Favre calmly walked over to the sideline, never lifting a finger as Hasselbeck threw the
game-losing pick returned for a TD in OT? Oh well, Matt still got his team there to begin
with, after throwing a career-high 26 TDs and earning a Pro Bowl nod, silencing all the
doubters (for now). Okay, Matt: now you just have to do it all over again, and this time
better! Try to stay healthy too, although back-up Trent Dilfer will always keep you above
.500. How about those WRs fucking helping out this year, instead of dropping virtually
every other pass that hit them square in the hands or numbers? Come on Darrell Jackson,
Koren Robinson, Bobby Engram: CATCH THE FUCKING BALL. Seattle has six WRs on its
roster for insurance. Don’t make me start Taco Wallace! It’s sad, because in
reality these guys are very good. There are two reasons why I won’t yet consider RB
Shaun Alexander elite: he doesn’t hit the hole with authority and he doesn’t
pick up blitzes very well. He gets a lot of help from his line, more than he should. C
Robbie Tobeck is better than his size would dictate. LG Steve Hutchinson is an animal,
although RG Chris Gray is merely adequate. He may eventually lose his starting job to
Floyd “Pork Chop” Womack. Let’s hope, who doesn’t want to hear Al
Michaels one day announce “And Taco gets free on a block by Pork Chop!” Rounding
things out – and I do mean “round” – are OTs Walter Jones and Chris
Terry, probably the most underrated OT duo in the league. But WTF is up with Jones? The
motherfucker has shown up late to camp three years in a row. Yet, he’s so damned good
(and he knows it, and he knows head coach Mike Holmgren knows it) nobody cares, and he
just hops into the lineup and owns his end.
It’s all about size and
smarts on the defensive line. DT Rashad Moore has size, Cedric Woodard has smarts, and FRP
Marcus Tubbs has both. And look at the help they get on the outside, with DE Grant Wistrom
in. His presence, besides simply being a significant boost in talent, allows Chike Okeafor
to move back to the left where he was so devastating with the Niners. No problems at the
line, but the LB unit is shaky. SLB Chad Brown and His Hits of Renown return, but that
foot has nagged forever. WLB Anthony Simmons is still on top of it, using his speed to
make plays all the time. But MLB Randall Godfrey went to San Diego, so his
replacement in the middle is…? Orland Huff? Well, okay. The good news is, FS Ken
Hamlin played so dang good in the absence of Darren Robinson he earned a starting gig. The
Seahawks would love to start converted CB rookie Michael Boulware at strong safety, but no
way in Hell is Holmgren going to throw a rookie in at SS. I’m just not sure who will
start in the meantime. CBs Willie Williams and Shawn Springs are gone, so it’s Ken Lucas and Marcus Trufant in. Guess
what? That’s not such a bad thing, after all. Both are quality guys – actually,
Lucas is nearly shut-down material. Also, there’s Bobby Taylor to come in in nickel.
The Seahawks definitely look
like contenders again this season, only lacking the element of surprise this time around.
However, they must win their division to hope to get anywhere in the playoffs. Which
means, of course, they must win or split their series with the Rams. That will be tough,
but not at all impossible.
 Bill Dungsroman
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