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| Ah, ha ha! Let's do it up, BITCHES by Ice Cream Jonsey 12/03/2004, 6:02pm PST | ||||
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| If you want to debate Incredibles, let's fucking go. It sucked and anyone who thought otherwise is a weepy, child-minded snail trail.
Half-Life 2 on the other hand has finally reached, for me, a certain maturity. Bill Simmons had a quote about Cincinatti Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer that went something like, "I think he's at the point in his career, already, where you bet against him on the road and on him at home." This was after Palmer rode the bench all last year. Half-Life 2 has finally reached the point where I would take it at home, but not on the road. It's -- as I told Worm in Article Submissions -- after four chapters it's the best game ever and the worst game ever, oftentimes within moments of each other. But let's get some things straight: 1) It's got to overcome the install. It's got to be better than the frustration it put me through. Again, many (most) of you did the Steam thing and were the belle of the Caltrops ball while the rest of the ugly step-sisters had to cobble together an evening gown out of our mouldy, cunt-slicked stockings. Fantastic! But I care about your personal experience getting it on your system just like you care about mine. Doesn't mean I'm going to write from somebody else's perspective. 2) It's got to be sixty fucking dollars worth of good at all fucking times because it's the single most expensive PC game ever. (Maybe this is in dispute -- I know the Warcraft Battlechest was inanely priced, but you got two games and an expansion. But either way Gabe Valve started this shit, I'm just reacting to it.) 3) The load times really are terrible. If I get stuck I can't Alt-Tab out because it goes berserk. That's fine, but Christ, it's a ten minute investment to exit, restart and load my saved game. Again, to those of you who played it straight through: gg! I honestly envy your position and used to do just that with my games. Now I get maybe two hours a night if I'm lucky. 4) When I posted the bit about it being total crap I didn't see a ladder which took me to a watch tower. This faux pas on my part is especially ironic to the lot of you, because in your Nazitopia gaming worlds you're all positioned on top of one. There were two guards inside sitting there as bored as an ox on a hill while Wild Bill was bringing the lightning down on me. Give me a break. It's 2004 -- if a helicopter is raining death in my direction and two fags are inside playing grabass, they could at least take a few potshots at me to let me know there's killable enemies as well as the rest of the plot in that direction. I don't ask for much. (Killing the helicopter, finally, was the most satisfying gaming experience I've had since the installation of the original 3dfx Tomb Raider nude patch. I will not lie to you.) Technically, this game puts Vampire to shame. The AI is better, there's no typos, it's not as goofy, everyone looks better, the facial animations are in synch and there is nothing in Vampire as beautifully designed as the fascist cop knocking down the can as a means towards teaching you the new Source controls... but if you're giving me the first two hours of HL2 or the first two of the Masquerade, I'll take V::TM::B. I'm still going to finish HL2 and of course it doesn't "suck" (except, as noted, on a moment-to-moment basis, but Christ, rationally I know that means it's sucking me in) but the look-at-me building blocks puzzles and Jet Moto wetsuit levels aren't going down in the halls of classic gaming. I am eagerly anticipating this so-called "Gravity Gun." the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey! |
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