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| Well this blog is being deleted. by Jhoh Creebul, Witch Toucher O_O 01/04/2008, 1:58pm PST | ||||
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| So I better archive my favorite post. There are several pictures that won't be in this paste, whatever.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007 JOHN RAMBO Trailer Review If you haven't already seen The JOHN RAMBO trailer I thought I'd review it for you. I could have just embedded the YouTube footage, but that's for da boids. This is a MAN'S web-site, where we do things differently, fool! He is still wearing that fucking headband. Is it holding his brain-meat together? I imagine his head flips up like a bin-lid in case he has to do some guerilla brain surgery. Apparently his name is the highly iconic "John". Hardly "Rocky Balboa" is it, for fuck's sake! If he'd said, "I'm the fucking Rambo, bitch!" Then he might have got a better response. Not for fucking Rambo, bitch, is the mere usage of a fishing rod. Not when you can fucking arrow them from your barge. I mean, unless he's got rope attached to that arrow, all he's gonna do is spear that fish to the river-bed. Not much use, eh? I'm guessing he kills bugs with a twelve-bore shotgun and kills errant mice with a Cruise missile. Bets on how many of these dopy looking cunts make it to the end of the film. I guess the woman will, but the others look like they've stepped off the set of ANACONDA 2:THIS TIME IT'S LESS CONVINCING. They are some kind of peace-loving charity aid organisation trying to help the people ofzzzzzzzzzz... If you ask me, Rambo, I'd let the cunts head off to the jungle, throw some flowers about, read some poetry and then watch from a distance as they got bum-fucked to death by the entire Burmese Army. But then I'm a bit of a cunt like that. Yes, these are the kind of people who will respond to reasoned debate. Those guns they're carrying actually shoot discussion rays. And those grenades? Explosions of discourse is all that's inside them. Flame-throwers are EPIC weaponry. They're like fire extinguishers but in reverse. How awesome is that! Even better when you see burning villagers falling over and dying. It must be a highly unpleasant way to die. I plan on being smothered to death by page three models whilst simultaneously drowning in a sea of Jack Daniels. This man totally bonks his head off this post. It looks like it really hurt. I laughed. Of course, they're all supposed to be hurt, but this extra actually looks like he proper hurt himself. Yes, I am that sick cunt who spent hours skipping through THE CROW to find the bit where he blew his own head off. Blondey McLoveInterest tries to reason with Rambo and get him to help. HE'S FUCKING RAMBO, BITCH! Did you not see the first three films? I'm guessing John won't get to bone this woman at any point during the film as he's like, 61, and she looks mid-30s and that would be far too icky. Also, Rambo craves only for death, not pussy. For Rambo, the only thing of his that penetrates another person is his survival knife in swarthy soldier type. Never his penis. To "hammer" home this metaphor, John is now seen banging away at his shining red end. The dirty fucker. Why is John Rambo a fucking religious type?!?!?!? It's been a while since I saw the films, but surely a man like him isn't gonna believe in God? Maaaaybe this crucifix is actually a Combat Crucifix - featuring a small knife, a compass, a weeks rations and GPS Sat-Nav system. SWEET! I'm gonna sign me up with these Christianmasses forthwith! So, obviously, Rambo has told them all to go sling their hook. Can you guess what happens next? I mean, they must have known something was going wrong when they passed the sign reading, "You are now entering Shit Creek". And then someone stole their paddle. And obviously things go wrong. Oh, what, your peace talks didn't go well? Should've listened to fucking Rambo, bitch! In fact, every time you're getting bummed to within an inch of your life by the entire Burmese Army, you should remember the words of Rambo, "Urm lbrmlm bmele mlle-ADDDRIEEEEEENNNNE!-Mmmbl urmbl mem." Wise, wise words. Holy fucking shit, it's John Madden of Sega Megadrive classic John Madden's American Football! I shit you not! He's come up with a plan to rescue the hippies but they need to make some good progress in the third down or they're out for the count, bucko! Anyway, this cunt makes Rambo say his prayers before going on a murderous, homicidal killing spree. Well done, fucko. This guy deserves to die just on principle. But fucking Rambo, bitch, has a conscience. Well, I secretly believe he just likes killing dudes and could care less for the hippies. Cunts! Ha ha ha! "Did I pay the local land baron? I think so. I hope my wife has made lasagna tonight. I like lasagna. I know I'm going to get passed over for promotion again. Always got me guarding this stupid post. Why the fuck do they always make me stand with my back to the scary forest?" Dumb-ass. YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET RAMBO'D! I managed to get this screen capture at the EXACT second Rambo removes this guy's fucking head with his survival knife. This is also the EXACT second I achieved a semi. And this is the second I prematurely ejaculated all over my laptop. I tell you what, my flat-mates will not be eating their dinner in the living room for a while! That red stuff on the window is not, in fact, organic sun-ripened tomato. It is organic sun-tanned Burmese soldier. This is why God made guns that big, so you can literally turn somebody into paste at short range. Thank you, God! I'm as much a fan of a bit of innocent rape as the next man (Sorry, we now call it "Surprise sex"), but this guy is just asking for trouble. Evil Rapist in films always get the best deaths. This fucko is going to get TURBO RAMBO'D. Ha ha ha. He ripped his fucking throat out with his hands. A little excessive, I thought. Could he not just cut his head off again? Or is there some kind of union regulations about not repeating yourself when on a murder spree? By the end of the film, he's going to be reading poetry at people to death. Also, I managed to get another semi at this point. Rambo is not content with turning one person into tomato puree, he's now found MORE people to execute. Firstly, a bunch of unsuspecting murdering rapist Burmese soldiers just minding their own business whilst beating some peasants and stealing their freedom. Then he finds... ..A big fucking truck full of people and turns them into pate too! He doesn't even give them warning. "Ho, truck dudes, incoming!" would be polite. I'm not sure on the etiquette of murderous death-kill sprees any more. I'll have to consult my union. Ho ho, here's the bow and arrow combo again. You see, they set up the bow and arrow at the start and now you see it again. Firstly, you're thinking, "Why is he going fishing in the middle of a warzone?" And of course you realise he was killing another dude. Killing him so hard that the guy spontaneously explodes on contact with water. That's how hard THAT guy got Rambo'd. Bow and arrows should be the gayest projectile weapon ever made, but somehow Rambo makes it work. Here, Rambo demonstrates the only form of penetration he practices... He is literally up to his nuts in guts. Well, up to his wrist in guts, maybe. The lovingly focused shots of viscera in this trailer are top quality. I have not seen as violent or unpleasant a trailer as this in a long time. That's probably because it's actually a show-reel from Cannes, but still - AWESOME. How many trailers would be improved by somebody's throat being ripped out? I know I felt like that through most of the trailer for THE HOLIDAY. And a boat explodes. Because you have to have an exploding boat. I think IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE has a boat exploding in it at some point. Check out the shitty 80s A-TEAM-esque font they're using. That is totally balls. Crabman is totally obsessed with fonts and he would probably have spent more time fixating on how shit it is than the rest of the trailer. Then he'd probably had a wank over Fizzgig or something. Totally stupid name. What was wrong with FOURTH BLOOD? Still, I'll go and see this for certain. I'll be pissed/off-my-face on crystal meths when I do, but I'll go and see it. |
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