Subj: RE: Alright.
Date: 5/21/05 6:20:15 AM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

i love you, i don't know why you're being stupid. i'm not going to come stay
with you, but i want you to know i love you anyway. i wanted to wake up next
to you so badly.

Subj:
Date: 5/24/05 1:31:38 AM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

you prick
come on aol and talk to me
i've been fucking worried about you



Subj: Re: Alright.
Date: 5/24/05 4:28:34 AM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts@aol.com

the people who know are aware that it's not unrequited. everyone who matters
knows how much i cared for you. most people are just like, jesus christ,
what the fuck did she do that made him so mad? it's not my fault that people
are mad at you, you were the one that wrote those things. i'm just hiding
behind my stupid pride, if anything.

and of course i can't listen to gorguts. i miss you so dang bad, justin, and
the feelings that i feel for you haven't gone away at all, they're still
there.


Subj:
Date: 5/24/05 5:31:35 AM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

you know that person commented on my lj that i looked stoned but i had
actually been crying my stupid head off about you, per usual since you left.


Subj: the meme of my heart ha
Date: 5/24/05 9:54:46 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts@aol.com

you are like anakin skywalker. smart and sort of unstable but i still love
you.

come back to AIM please

Subj: Re: you might care about me, whatever, i knew that the day you did it
Date: 5/30/05 4:25:47 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

i read a couple lines when i replied to that, i was too upset, i was tired
of everything you say to me being some huge jerkfest. i appreciate what you
say and you know what? i think you're right, i am tired of treating myself
like an object. because i don't have you to talk to every night, i got
really sad, so i started making friends again, and i'm realizing that i
don't need to get all naked for people to like me. so yeah, i'm making those
pictures private, and i don't think i'll do that stuff again. not that you
care.

i think what really hurt me was that you thought it necessary to tell people
that i was raped.
then, you tell me that you've taken shits that matter more than this.
combined with my ex rejecting me harshly and this huge discussion going on
in dog_latin's journal and theskimyoucrew about my "fakeness" and i've been
feeling pretty fucking worthless and i continue to. eran and mario and
others battle off the jerks and they end up apologizing and stuff but it
still doesn't matter.

and yeah i'm lonely and no one loves me specially and i spend like every
night crying and i listen and posture gangsta rap only because anything else
makes me feel weak and i feel weak and i feel like i'm going to be lonely
forever. and when you talked to me i felt better but then you did that thing
in my lj when i did (admittedly) flake out on you. but it just reminded me
of how i can't trust anybody for anything at all and then when i saw how you
mentioned that thing it just reinforced it. and now i'm like rudderless or
shipless or whatever they say it is because i just feel like a vacancy where
a person is supposed to be again. and i haven't felt like this since i was
twelve, and i don't even remember that but lately i've been thinking about
it a lot. and it's hard to think about something when you can't even
remember it and try to draw conclusions about your personality from an event
that didn't even last longer than most showers i take. so i question if it's
really all from that

i don't even know why i'm telling you this because obviously you do not even
care, you do not even care enough to not mention it to jerks in your
journal, and i can just picture you summarizing me up to your ex as "well,
she was raped, you know" and that just makes me sick inside. it makes me
want to throw up

i'm sorry this writing isn't very stylized or intelligent and has too many
yeah's and stuff. i just, i didn't want to try to sit down and write a fancy
letter so it's mostly stream-of-thought.

Subj: JUSTIN
Date: 6/16/05 10:10:03 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts@aol.com

i'm in your stupid city i'm lonely i want you to come over to my hotel and i
will make everything up to you and not in a sleazy way either. i won't be a
jerk it will be great and we will have fun so call me, you know my number if
not it's on my newest lj entry.

:x

cassandra


Subj: you jerk
Date: 6/20/05 12:52:40 AM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts@aol.com

can't you just call me
it's my last night at the w


Date: 6/23/05 1:41:22 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

justin,
yeah, i imagined you'd see that sooner or later (probably sooner, because it
was the source of our "falling out" or whatever you'd call what happened)
and i apologize for all the things that i typed about you, i was upset and
angry.
the fact remains that i was betrayed and i could really use a friend in new
york right now. you're right, it is lonely, and while thor and his
girlfriend are great, wonderful people i still need a friend more than ever.
i don't imagine very much sympathy for me remains, and you're probably even
more upset by what you've read and had time to ruminate on. but right now
i'm really sad and i'd like to see you. people here are gay and i don't want
to make new friends. so if you could find it in your heart to contact me or
whatever, i'll be gone this weekend in VA, but if you could that'd be great.
if you don't want to just type no back and i'm sure you probably will but i
figured i might as well give it a chance


Subj: RE: also
Date: 6/23/05 4:30:12 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

i know you're right about a lot of things, it was the worst experience of my
life (well, second) and i wish i would've listened to you, i wish i would've
so bad it hurts.

i get back in town from VA sunday night. my phone is ... but its
off right now because it ran out of batteries. i'll have it on and charged
later tonight.

i'm so glad you reconsidered, seriously, i've been suffering this pretty
lame and major depressive episode since i've left and i've gotten my hair
cut and makeup so i feel a lot better but i still just want to be around
someone i know. thor and his lady are setting me up on dates and i mean
that's okay but eh. i haven't even read his lj since i saw those posts
because they disgust me so majorly. thor quit being the guys friend over
this, for good reason i think.

thanks so much, really, i can't even describe how much it means to me.

love
cassandra

Subj: Re: also
Date: 6/23/05 9:38:59 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

yeah well he is a moron and he's been arranging portions of my AIM
conversations to suit this weird, fucked up picture of me he's created and
everyone (pretty much) thinks he's a moron. but yeah, i haven't boffed
anyone else on this trip, and yeah, i guess you should meet me. you can call
me whenever you want, etc. i wasn't lying to you this whole time, either. he
just continues to get all crazy and weird on me, and i'm pretty much
helpless to this whole situation. so yeah, call me tonight (preferably) or
on monday afternoon.
of course i'll listen to no one but you.

Subj: Re: also
Date: 6/25/05 12:37:08 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

yeah you're right just call me sunday night @ around 10 ok


Subj: Re: also
Date: 6/27/05 3:25:12 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts (GOGURT)@aol.com

you're telling me. i can't think about it without crying and feeling dirty,
and gross, and used, etc.

but last night, i waited around for your phone call. hoping i had your phone
number, so i could call you. but you never called. and i waited this
morning, too. and i worried about going on the subway, in case you called.
and you didn't. and it's just hurtful, so if you're going to call, call
today. or just don't call at all, but at least tell me which one you're
going to do. i can't just sit around in anticipation. i want to hang out
with you.


Subj: hi
Date: 6/27/05 11:15:59 PM Atlantic Daylight Time
From: catmast (c lf)
To: goorguts@aol.com

i got your message when i was in the theater watching land of the dead and
then my phone died
it sucked, i bought a charger and sat in circuit city just so i could charge
it a little for you to call me, im calling you but i got a busy number. im
near 14th street right now, call me, okay?
love cassandra

goorguts (GOGURT) [2:47 AM]: hey you
cj (SASY) [2:48 AM]: hey!!
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:48 AM]: i've missed you a lot
cj (SASY) [2:48 AM]: me too
cj (SASY) [2:48 AM]: tons
cj (SASY) [2:49 AM]: seriously
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:49 AM]: really?
cj (SASY) [2:49 AM]: yeah of course
cj (SASY) [2:49 AM]: what have you been doing
cj (SASY) [2:49 AM]: jerk i can't believe you haven't come on sooner
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:50 AM]: thinking.
cj (SASY) [2:52 AM]: so um
cj (SASY) [2:53 AM]: i'm going to detroit on tuesday. and when i get there, i'm going to tell him i don't want to have sex with him, but that i'll hang out with him, because i don't just "have sex" with people like that, i have to care about them.
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:53 AM]: are you really going to do that?
cj (SASY) [2:53 AM]: yeah
cj (SASY) [2:54 AM]: i've planned it, eran and drew and stuff, they notice how uncofmortable and stressed i've been lately
cj (SASY) [2:54 AM]: i've been scared
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:55 AM]: well, that's what you told me back then too.
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:55 AM]: remember?
cj (SASY) [2:55 AM]: yeah
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:55 AM]: or did you lie back then?
cj (SASY) [2:56 AM]: hm, i don't know if i'd call that lying
cj (SASY) [2:56 AM]: i planned it, but i changed my mind
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:56 AM]: what made you change your mind?
cj (SASY) [2:56 AM]: i'm planning this, too, but i can still change my mind. taht's the beauty of personal accountability. although i don't want to, and i think i'm cool enough with who i am to treat myself with respect
cj (SASY) [2:57 AM]: i didn't want to be seen a a lady that changes her mind, i didn't want to be a tease.
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:58 AM]: personally, i think you're full of it.
cj (SASY) [2:59 AM]: uh okay. ha
goorguts (GOGURT) [2:59 AM]: ha?
cj (SASY) [3:00 AM]: look, i had a lot of people, a lot of his friends, talking it up to me
cj (SASY) [3:00 AM]: like, daily
cj (SASY) [3:01 AM]: it was hard.
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:01 AM]: i'm sure it was.
cj (SASY) [3:02 AM]: hey there rageful
cj (SASY) [3:02 AM]: i'm sorry i hurt you
cj (SASY) [3:02 AM]: i want to still be your friend
cj (SASY) [3:02 AM]: you're making this hard
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:03 AM]: what's so hard about it?
cj (SASY) [3:04 AM]: i do care about you
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:13 AM]: so what have you been doing?
cj (SASY) [3:14 AM]: hanging out
cj (SASY) [3:14 AM]: eating mushrooms
cj (SASY) [3:15 AM]: hold on i'm getting a phone call
cj (SASY) [3:36 AM]: i got so much cute underwear with tierney.
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:36 AM]: cool.
cj (SASY) [3:36 AM]: yeah i'm stoked on it
cj (SASY) [3:40 AM]: i find it hard to believe that you can just be sitting around thinking
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:40 AM]: well, obviously i do more than that.
cj (SASY) [3:40 AM]: well then what do you do
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:43 AM]: do things to make me feel better. i'm very competitive.
cj (SASY) [3:43 AM]: yeah.
goorguts (GOGURT) [3:48 AM]: do you still distrust me?
cj (SASY) [3:48 AM]: nah not really that much.
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:00 AM]: but when i'm home, there's a lot more time to dwell on things and there's nothing here to take my mind off it.
cj (SASY) [4:00 AM]: yeah it makes you hate cassandra.
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:02 AM]: i don't hate you.
cj (SASY) [4:02 AM]: i'm scared for new york
cj (SASY) [4:02 AM]: like
cj (SASY) [4:02 AM]: really scared
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:02 AM]: why?
cj (SASY) [4:04 AM]: i don't know
cj (SASY) [4:05 AM]: i dont' want to be a burden to kthor
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:05 AM]: you're going to feel alone in NY.
cj (SASY) [4:07 AM]: what do you mean??
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:07 AM]: when he's at work and you're alone.
cj (SASY) [4:08 AM]: ill just go out and do shit
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:09 AM]: where?
cj (SASY) [4:09 AM]: outside? i'll probably go to a lot of bars and shit.
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:09 AM]: in the morning? haha.
cj (SASY) [4:09 AM]: oh you're right.
cj (SASY) [4:09 AM]: well
cj (SASY) [4:10 AM]: i don't know, i'll jus thang out and read comics and go shopping and eating
cj (SASY) [4:10 AM]: and on little trips around the city
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:10 AM]: he doesn't live near the city. queens isn't walking distance to the city.
cj (SASY) [4:11 AM]: ill take a cab.
cj (SASY) [4:11 AM]: or the public transportation
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:11 AM]: haha, ok.
cj (SASY) [4:12 AM]: dude, i really don't need you depressing bullshit right now
cj (SASY) [4:12 AM]: it's just apparent how little you care about me
cj (SASY) [4:12 AM]: because you like, obviously enjoy the idea of me being lonely and upset
cj (SASY) [4:12 AM]: which is really lame, it's really immature, it's really childish
cj (SASY) [4:12 AM]: you haven't changed that much
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:15 AM]: i wouldn't say i'm depressed.
cj (SASY) [4:15 AM]: whatever justin, my point is still valid
cj (SASY) [4:15 AM]: you'
cj (SASY) [4:15 AM]: re still a prick.
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:17 AM]: i don't think i was trying to make you feel lonely or depressed. it's just that there's not much to look forward to here if you don't have anyone that'll make you happy.
cj (SASY) [4:18 AM]: fuck you justin
cj (SASY) [4:18 AM]: seriously
cj (SASY) [4:18 AM]: fuck you for trying to make me feel upset
cj (SASY) [4:18 AM]: it's pathetic
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:19 AM]: hah. i wasn't trying anything.
cj (SASY) [4:19 AM]: i do have people that will make me happy
cj (SASY) [4:19 AM]: friends, which is more than you are
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:20 AM]: hm.
cj (SASY) [4:24 AM]: moron;
cj (SASY) [4:24 AM]: that's so pathetic that me being upset makes you feel better
cj (SASY) [4:26 AM]: you being upse tdoens't make me feel better
cj (SASY) [4:26 AM]: it makes me feel SHITTY.
cj (SASY) [4:26 AM]: becase i CARE about you.
cj (SASY) [4:26 AM]: which you DONT
goorguts (GOGURT) [4:28 AM]: yeah. sometimes that's the way the knish splits ;_;