Caltrops - Gamerasutra - Short Review: Wario Ware

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by K. Thor Jensen 05/27/2003, 5:32pm PDT

Yes, I am working on a long review of sorts, but it's pretty IMAGE HEAVY and those images are all me taking pictures off of my TV so it's taking a little longer than expected to get right. However, I can testify that it has the highest incident rate of kicking girls in the ovaries of any review that's been posted so far. To grind my chops a little finer and get me back in the spizzity spirit I decided to write up a review of a Game Boy game I bought yesterday and used to ignore my girlfriend.

WARIO WARE: MEGA MICROGAMES, published by Nizzendo 2003 for the GBA.

Video game reviewers are pretty much cumdumpsters of the lowest grade and they've been using one phrase to describe this game: "video crack." Now, I really doubt that any of the slackjawed polo-shirt wearing thumb-jockeys at Electronic Gaming Monthly have ever smoked a rock in ther life. Not that I'm some hard-living man of the streets or anything. I only smoked crack once, and it made me lie on my side on the floor kicking myself in circles with my feet and crying for about twenty minutes. This was during my year or so of drinking St. Ides Special Brew and smoking cigarettes out on the front porch waiting for a drive-by, so I can say I was just trying to fit in. I didn't like it very much.

I like Wario Ware very, very much. It's the best fucking retarded game I've ever played, and I imported that PlayStation thing where you play as a faggot who shoots other faggots. I can honestly say that a bunch of the shit you do in Wario Ware is at least twice as fun as shooting a faggot with your dick.

Here's a screen from the game. I took a picture of my GBA and then I put the Gamers.com logo on it because I find it so attractive. In this game, you have to tap the A button when the dog's hands are over yours. If you do it right, the dog smiles. If you don't, he cries. THAT'S FUCKING IT. GAME OVER. DON'T MAKE THE DOG CRY.

Here's another one. In this one, this bitch has allergies and she wants to spend the night at the seashore. You need to hammer on the button so she sucks the snot back up in her nose and can enjoy her evening. In this picture there's two ladies and you have to deal with both of them. THAT'S FUCKING IT. GAME OVER. SUCK THE FUCKING SNOT BACK INTO YOUR NOSE.

CUT YOUR GODDAMNED MEAT.

Guess how many of these games there are? TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN. When you're playing the main game, they come at you fast and furious, and the instructions are just one word - you'll see SHAKE and then the dog and you gotta figure out what it wants you to do and do it FAST. And then there's another one. CHOP. BALANCE. EAT. COUNT. HAZE. CUCUMBER. Then you're playing Duck Hunt. Then you're catching a piece of toast that pops out of a toaster. It's not like doing crack at all, unless there's a spinning around in circles on the carpet game I haven't unlocked yet. So fuck you, Shane Bettenhausen or whatever shitass who said it's "like crack." It's more like doing meth on-set for Romper Room and then shaking hands with a dog BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T IT CRIES.

ktj