I need clarification wrote:

Well, I don't think it's all that funny, personally. If the Star Wars vein hadn't been mined dry before Triumph the Insult Comic Dog went down the line before Ep 2, it certainly was after that. I don't recall the original post, so I can't comment on whether it was funnier than this or not, but this one falls pretty flat.

So, what are the standards for Caltrops articles? Is everything submitted eventually posted, or is there a rejection process?

Yo Mama wrote:

As the clock continues to wind down on the release of Episode 3, people have begun to ask, "Will Episodes 7-9 get made next? Will Lucas remake the original trilogy again?" Using my supernatural powers as a pagan beast-god, I've learned the answer is the latter. Emboldened by the success of the "Special Edition" re-release and the prequels, Lucas is rolling up his sleeves to put the final touches onto movies that were already considered "finished" 20 years ago.





"My goal in this next project," said Lucas, "is to finally show the public my true vision behind Star Wars, a vision that until now has been hampered by limited budgets, sfx technology, and all those goddamned editors!"





Though much of the project is still in the conceptual stage, he did give me access to a stained bar napkin listing several of the new changes to be seen in Episode VI:

• The film, now nearly 3 1/2 hours in length, starts out with the emperor addressing the galactic senate and informing them that he is dissolving the body, then giving a PowerPoint presentation on the bureaucracy of the new imperial order. This is followed by several scenes of political types arguing over what this could mean for their constituencies, philosophizing over the value of an aimless democracy verses an efficient dictatorship, and wishing they'd started organizing against this sooner. The Death Star itself doesn't make an appearance until around the 2-hour mark when it blows up all the aforementioned politicos.
  







• R2D2 reveals that he has twin rapid-fire blaster cannons, a personal deflector shield, and a cloaking device which he uses to fight off stormtroopers as Leia feeds him the Death Star plans. C3P0 get his head shot off and quips that all this stress is making him lose his head.
  







• Luke Skywalker now has the catchphrase "Wahoo!" that he shrieks any time anything remotely positive happens.
  







• In addition to R2D2 and C3P0, Uncle Owen buys a female slave from the Jawas for his "second wife."
  







• After Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi saves Luke from the Sand "People," he berates the boy for being stupid and childish enough to go wandering in such a dangerous area. This abuse continues at his home when Luke fails to wipe his feet before entering. Then Obi Wan talks wistfully about his student, Darth Vader, who unexpectedly turned evil and began a homicidal rampage against all the Jedis.
  







• The Cantina band will now be replaced with CGI rapping turds. "The best addition to Return of the Jedi SE!" said Lucas.
  






• The Alien that doesn't like Luke doesn't try to kill him, but instead offers him some cigarettes. Obi Wan sits the alien down and discusses the evils of tobacco. Scene Ends with crying and hugs.
  






• In every other scene on Tatooine, Boba Fett pops up in the background and waves at the audience.
  






• Several characters will now be replaced! Lucas explained, while brushing crumbs from his chin-simulating goatee, that he was very concerned by the outcry from groups describing some characters as "offensive" to oppressed minorities. In response, he's replacing Jabba the Hut, offensive to obese people, with Rynkee the Chnk, a cowardly, scheming, squinty-eyed dragon lady from Episode 1's space trade federation, and replacing Chewbacca, offensive to the hirsute, with the nephew of Jar-Jar Binks, Dum-Dum-Nygrow, voiced by Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding jr. In addition to these changes, Lucas is adding several minorities in the roles of Princess Leia's loyal and concerned servants. "But the greatest part," said a jubilant Lucas, "is a scene we're adding where a platoon of Stormtroopers take off their helmets and reveal themselves to be clones representing every minority group in America! This turns people's view of a eurocentric star wars on its ear when it reveals that all the white people playing the protagonists, imperial and rebel high command, and the galactic senate are the real minority in the Star Wars universe!"
  






• The Millennium Falcon now has beautifully rendered, stunningly animated pterodactyl wings.
  






• Lucas pays homage to the classic roman epic "Spartacus" by adding an "Oysters or Snails? scene between Obi Wan and Luke.
  






• The "Battle Chess" game will now be a 20 minute scene utilizing 30 billion dollars in exciting state-of-the-art CGI. A video game version of the scene is coming out next month for the Gamecube, PS2, and X-Box.
  






• In order to make sure the audience "gets" the growing romantic tension between Han Solo and Princess Leia, Lucas will add a 40 minute scene of the two running hand in hand through fields of heather with CGI alien doves and fawns bearing garlands of flowers while Leia wears a thong bikini with the words "Do" and "Me" written across the top. According to Lucas, Leia's bikini is based off the ancient ceremonial dress of royalty in some exotic country in Africa or maybe Asia.
  






• Other than deliver 2 lines of dialogue during the "Death Star Commander Meeting" and killing Obi-Wan, Darth Vader doesn't do or say anything in the movie.
  






• The duel between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan will now use Hong Kong style wirework. Rumors that Yuen Woo-Ping will be involved are false. Lucas will choreograph and direct the entire scene by himself.
  






• There will now be hundreds of different ships in the final Death Star battle. From rapier tentacle fighters to imperial swarm balls to R-types to Lucifer Superdestroyers to Sinistars to Darth Vader's TIE defender that transforms into a samurai robot. Fifteen minutes after the movie's over, you'll be damned if you can remember half of them.
  






• And the most exciting change is in the final scene! Luke starts climbing into his X-Wing and says, "Golly-Gee! This military starfighter's a lot more complicated than the farm-speeders I flew back home. I don't think I can fly this thing!" At this point the camera zooms into his bloodstream where CGI "force bacteria" with big cartoon eyes start moving around with a serious purpose. Back outside, Luke sits down in the pilot's seat but slips and bumps the "proton torpedo launch" button. The torpedoes fly out the hangar, through the atmosphere, swing around a planet, then hit the Death Star directly in its exhaust port, causing it to explode in a 4-stage multi-doughnut blast. Biggs looks up and yells, "Luke! You did it!" Luke looks confused for a moment, then realizes what happened and shrieks, "Wahoo!" The camera then zooms back into his bloodstream where the force bacteria wink to the camera.
  

The final comment made by Lucas is that after these new versions come out, he will stop all sales of previous versions of the trilogy and order the original prints burned so that no one will be able to see the untouched trilogy ever again.





I don't know about you, but I'm packing up the ho-hos and inflatable chair and grabbing my place in line right now!