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| MILD SPOILERS FAGS by What a goatfuck. 12/15/2017, 6:32pm PST | ||||
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| It's Empire Strikes Back 2.0 with a hint of Return of the Jedi without a satisfying ending.
- There is a not-Hoth opening featuring speeders on a white BUT NOT SNOWY planet fighting against AT-AT's while the "Resistance" tries to evacuate and defends from trenches with a few turret emplacements. BUT IT'S NOT HOTH OKAY?! - The First Order has a shit-ton of hardware and doesn't seem to have been bothered by the fact that they lost a planet that must have had years of infrastructure invested into it. Where the fuck did they all get these Star Destroyers? I thought the Empire collapsed! Way to make the last 3 movies an exercise in pointlessness. - Remember the first episode of Galactica? So did the writers here and made it the primary tension in the plot. - Snoke goes down like a bitch. Who was he? Nobody knows or cares. Why did he do all this? Who cares. Shut up, idiot. Buy the Snoke action figure so Disney's profit margins look great this quarter. He and Count Dooku are perhaps the two most worthless recurring characters in Star Wars. I mean shit, at least Jar Jar Binks is the reason the Empire exists. - Gratuitous kids goofing off for no good goddamn reason on Canto Bight gave me flashbacks to Phantom Menace or the room full of kid Jedi in Revenge - Fuck the scenes on Canto Bight entirely. They're completely off in tone with the rest of the movie and their whole point is to build up to a dumb ass backwards climax that makes no good goddamn sense. - Rey and Finn have no chemistry. It's so bad that I'd rather see him fuck Poe in the ass. - Rey and Kylo meanwhile need to just get it over with and fuck already. - Luke plays the parts of both Obi Wan and Yoda in this shitshow before going out like a bitch as well. - Not content to raid Empire Strikes Back for most of its beats, there's also a bit of Return of the Jedi as Rey and Kylo fight in a dark Imperial chamber while a star fleet gets blown to smithereens ship by ship outside! - I have no idea how bad of a train wreck episode 9 will be because they clearly intended Carrie Fisher to be the designated survivor of the old cast -- I don't know, maybe even the Hillary Clinton-esque glass-ceiling breaking woman to take on the TRUMP ORDER and then she went and snorted enough nose sugar to keep the economy of Colombia afloat. OOOOPS! |
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