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| Installation guide to Windows FUCKING 8 by Rafiki 10/20/2013, 11:04am PDT | ||||
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| 1) So you've decided to install Windows 8! Haha, idiot.
2) If you put the installation disk in while running Windows 7 and after going through the initial steps it tells you to reboot, do NOT boot from CD when the computer reboots. You will just waste 15 precious minutes going through the initial setup again until it tells you the installation had already begun and to remove the CD and reboot into Windows to continue. If you accidentally get here, do NOT remove the CD. When you reboot into Windows and are prompted to continue, you will get an error message saying the installation files could not be found and to please insert the CD and rerun the setup. >:( 3) When you login to set up Windows for the first time, click the CUSTOMIZE button to customize the settings unless you REALLY want the Express settings which basically amount to, "Let every application know my location and send all of my file usage and browsing habits to everyone everywhere all of the time." 4) If you just want to use your local PC account to login instead of creating a Windows Store account, there's a handy "Skip" button that will let you skip creating a Store account. Nice! 5) If you're installing Windows 8, it's probably because you want Windows 8.1 Don't waste any time going to Google and typing in "Windows 8.1 download," you'll just end up at a Microsoft page with a link that opens the App Store. And don't EVEN expect to see Windows 8.1 in the App Store from a fresh installation of Windows 8. You have to install some updates from Windows Update first. A knowledgebase article listed the exact update number you need to install to be eligible for Windows 8.1, but fucked if I could find it in my list of 83 pending updates so I had to waste 30 minutes downloading and installing all of them. 6) To download all of your updates, go to the Start screen and move your mouse up into the top-right corner so that the invisible sidebar appears. Select "Search." Type in "Windows Update" in the search box. If you're used to the Windows 7 start menu that seems to filter in real-time, don't fret! Just press "Enter" to initiate the search now. Open Windows Update and download all of your updates and reboot. 7) Open the App Store and download and install Windows 8.1! 8) Run through the entire OS configuration in step 3 again! Haha, fuck you! 9) Try not to put your fist through your monitor when it asks you to create a Windows Store account WITHOUT giving you the option to skip and use a local login this time. It's OK! Just enter a fake e-mail and password, let it fail, and THEN it will give you the option to bypass the Store login and use your local account. I recommend "fuckyou@fuck.you" as the e-mail and a password of "fuckyou." 10) You've probably heard that you can boot to desktop now instead of the stupid start screen. You sure can, but don't expect that to be a top-level or installation option. Instead, click on the desktop *~App~* to be taken to the desktop, and then right-click on the taskbar and select "Properties." Then switch to the "Navigation" tab and you'll see the option there. 11) Congratulations! You're now using Windows 8 in a way that mostly kind of resembles 7. Here's some sweet tips to suppress the urge to kill yourself. Tips 1) There is now a completely retarded, unnecessary division between applications, like what you're used to, and *~Apps~*. *~Apps~* are downloaded and installed through the App Store and appear on the start screen and run in full-screen. NO EXCEPTIONS. They also, stupidly, have an entirely separate taskbar separate from the desktop taskbar. So if you're in desktop mode and want switch to an open *~App~* window (like Windows Update for example), move your mouse into the top-left corner until the invisible taskbar that they don't tell you about and you never would have known about appears. From here you can switch between *~Apps~*. You also do this to get back to desktop mode. Isn't that so much easier than to have all open applications and windows combined into a single location called THE WINDOWS TASKBAR? 2) Closing an *~App~* doesn't actually close it. It moves it to the background. If you open the app taskbar and right-click it, don't you dare think clicking the "Close" button will actually close the app. It will just remove it from the taskbar. If you open up Task Manager, you will still see the app running and taking up resources in the background. Kickass! 3) Gadgets have been discontinued, although someone nicely repackaged the default ones from Windows 7 and created an installer so you can get them back and have them run on your desktop just like before. If you're looking at a live tile on the start screen and thinking, "Hey, that actually seems kind of useful, I wonder if I can just drag it off the start screen and onto my desktop and have it function as a more fully-featured gadget," nope! 4) Remember in Windows 7 how you could pin applications to the Start Menu and then you could mouse over that item and see a list of recent documents? Well, if you pin it to the Start Screen you totally can't do that anymore! Time to pin every fucking thing to the taskbar now and use the jump lists! |
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