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| Goddam Lunatic? Oh please. by Tansin A. Darcos (TDARCOS) 03/16/2013, 3:25am PDT | ||||
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Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Tansin A. Darcos (TDARCOS) wrote: Oh please, I have a much better example of that: "Hey, 246! I wanna talk to you!" Never quite sure if it is someone happy or someone in the opposite state, and being fully prepared to run or dematerialize if needed, Supervisor 246 turned to see who it was. He stopped in the corridor watching people walk by when one of them walked up to him. "Ahh, Mias 880. What can I do you for?" "I want you to finish the job you started." "You asked me to write some programs to design a building for you, for 300 favors. I did. You saw how little time it took me so you wanted changes in the middle of the job, and thought they should have been included. I said you didn't say you wanted those features when I priced the job, and it would cost more if you wanted to add them. You refused to pay. I refuse to do the extra work. You don't like it, you can always get someone else to do it, but anyone else who would do it for less, will take a hell of a lot longer and won't do a very good job, and I know you know it or you wouldn't be demanding it of me. What you want will cost an additional 1,600 favors. No discount." "You want 1,600 hours of personal service from me to finish my building? You're trying to tell me it will take that long to do? Or even anything close to that long?" "No. I'm telling you that's what it will cost you to get me to do it. I don't want to do the job, so I'm pricing it high enough that you won't pay it and I won't have to. End of story. And technically I don't have to do anything. Remember the saying, ‘The only things you have to do are pay taxes and die?' Let's see, well, I'm already dead, so that's over. I don't have any money, never had any all the time I've been here, so I don't have any taxes to pay. Stick a fork in me, I'm done." One of the people in the corridor watching the conversation applauded, then walked off. "But I've never refused to do something when I get paid enough for it to be worth the aggravation." "You don't even need the favors." "When H. Ross Perot was on the Board of Directors of General Motors, after he sold his company to them, he was such a pest in asking them why they acted so stupidly, that the Chairman, Mr. Smith, offered Perot an additional 800 million dollars to quit and get lost. Mr. Perot had just sold his company to GM for something around 3 billion dollars and apparently was having a lot of fun looking at what was going on." "And that means?" "Perot didn't need the 800 million dollars. But he accepted it anyway. Probably meant to him about the same to me as another 1,600 favors: Pocket Change! Well, I can figure out another possible way to solve your problem that might be fun." Mias knew from what he'd heard, that 246's idea of "fun" was the type of activity, that on earth, would be categorized as being worth about 3 to 5 in Baltimore's SuperMax prison, he was wary. "Go ahead." "You and I can go over and find a couple of nice ladies who are interested in us, and we go to town on them. First one to get his girl, as a result of vaginal intercourse - so neither of us can use a vibrator, we have to do it - no pun intended - through use of our penises - to come 1,000 times, wins. You win, I do the job for free; you get a refund. I win, you have to pay me 6,000 favors. If both girls climax 1,000 times and it turns out to be simultaneously, I do the job for the original 300 favors." "Are you kidding?" "I'll even make it fair, if they approve, you can either pick the two women and I get to pick which one I want, or I'll pick the two ladies and you get to pick which one you want. I'll even give you a 10 minute head start." "That's ridiculous, that would probably take weeks to finish." 246 smiled. "We've got all of eternity, you know of anything better to do? But let's see, I should try to be fair. Let me use calendar time since you haven't been here that long and probably can't think in Afterlife Standard Time. Hmm, a woman takes about, oh, two minutes of foreplay to really be excited enough to begin intromission, then 15 seconds of coital stimulation to start of climax, then continued coition..." "What the hell does all that mean?" "Get her in bed, eat at the ‘Y' for two to four minutes until she's wet enough, then play ‘hide the salami' until you lose. So anyway, it takes maybe 30 seconds to two minutes of reasonable intercourse for her to reach first orgasm, and as intercourse continues, maybe 3 climaxes a minute after that, no let's say 2 orgasms, so that comes - no pun intended - to maybe 8 minutes of foreplay and 500 minutes of intercourse which totals 508 minutes for me to give a woman 1,000 orgasms." He looked up at an analog clock. "60 times 10 is 600, times 8 is 480, so 490, 500, 508 plus 10 is 518, so I need 8 hours and 38 minutes, that's less than I originally thought. Hey, I can actually give you a half-hour head start instead of 10 minutes. If you start at noon, I'll start at 12:30, and by the time I'm finished I can actually be done in time to catch Fox News at 10. You probably wouldn't be finished in time to watch Good Morning America! "Hey! I just thought of something. I might even make out - again no pun intended - on this deal even if I was to lose which I know I won't. We find two girls who are willing to consent, and I am completely truthful, I explain to each of them that me and my business partner have a bet on which one of us will be the first to make one of them come 1,000 times by fucking her brains out and we'd like to try them, and I'll make it up to them by offering both of them each a minimum three hours of gentle, passionate romance later on after my dick feels better. "If they think it's cute, and they just might, we're In Like Flint. If they get insulted and walk off, we try two more. But the real benefit comes - again no pun intended - if one or both of them get mad. If any of them slaps me, I bust her for assaulting a Supervisor just like cops would bust hookers on earth. And if she hits me with her fist, I violate her for breaking Rule #1 and violating my civil rights and now I own her ass. Might be fun to try it just to see what happens." ("Make that five to ten years in SuperMax,") Mias thought as he blew his stack. "You're out of your mind! That's nothing but... but... but legal... legalized entrapment! You are a fucking lunatic, you son of a bitch!" |
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