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| Kill Switch, starring Steven Seagal, written by Steven Seagal, music by Steven S by Creexuls, a monster >:3 03/24/2009, 1:16am PDT | ||||
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| http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1107859/
As completely ridiculous (and awesome) as this above video looks, the actual movie is even more ridiculous. The delightful beginning stars with one of those stuttery cut flash backs that you hope they dump when they get to the real movie, it's like CSI Miami where they cut, and then cut away to only a couple frames ahead, and do it over and over and over again. Anyway in the flashback, it's two kids who may be twins, they go play hide and seek, ON THEIR BIRTHDAY, and one of them dies, his throat is slashed I guess. Cut forward to Steven Seagal, who is the brother who didn't die. Anyway, he's a hardened detective, and they find a hot chick laying on the ground outside an apartment with one of her sexy tits flopped out, but she is alive. STEVEN SEAGAL SHOWS UP ON THE SCENE. Turns out she has a bomb sewn into her chest with wires and a big timer laying on her shirt or something. Steven Seagal, with his finely honed detective instinct, says THE GUY IS PROBABLY WATCHING. Cut to inside the apartment, one of the guys watching from the window, with a knife on the sill, PERHAPS JERKING OFF AND CUTTING HIMSELF THE PAIN GIVING HIM SICK PLEASURE, and Steven just walks into his room, and the guy is like WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, and Steven is like OH YALL THE DOOR WAS OPEN, and indeed the door was just wide open, like durr, that's not too stupid is it? Anyway, Steven starts beating the shit out of him, including some Van Damme cuts where he smashes the bad guy's face into a glass tabletop, and it reshows the smash like 5 or 6 times over again really fast until it just becomes funny. The whole time Seagal is like WHICH WIRE SHOULD THE BOMB SQUAD CUT, for some reason still talking in that weird I think New Orleans accent, or possibly just BLACK PERSON accent. After like 5 non stop minutes of the guy's ass getting beat and Steven throwing him against the wall and bashing the guy's head into things such as walls and shit, and shots showing the legs of a dead body in the guy's bedroom (SHOULD'VE SHUT THAT DOOR MAYBE?), Seagal is like SHOULD THEY CUT THE BLACK OR THE YELLOW WIRE TELL ME and so the guy says black, so Steven tells them to cut the yellow wire, and it defuses the bomb and everyone's saved and happy. Then Seagal is like OKAY YOU'RE UNDER ARREST YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ETC, and the bad guy is like raaaa and rushes at Steven, who of course instinctively kicks the guy so hard that he is instantly turned around and in mid air is clearly jumping willfully out of his window, which it replays literally 10 times over and over as it cuts to Seagal and the bomb squad on the ground as the guy smashes through the window again and again and falls again and again...... then cuts back to smashing out the window then falling then smashing. Finally he hits the ground, and Seagal is like OH MAN I THINK I DROPPED SOMETHING. Moar later? I haven't finished watching the movie, that's just the first 10 minutes, natch (twist). |
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Kill Switch, starring Steven Seagal, written by Steven Seagal, music by Steven S by 03/24/2009, 1:16am PDT  Isaac Hayes is in this movie also, and this was made in 2008. :( by 03/24/2009, 1:18am PDT Several scenes are clearly done by a double for Seagal. by 03/24/2009, 1:42am PDT Re: Several scenes are clearly done by a double for Seagal. by 03/24/2009, 2:10am PDT Re: Several scenes are clearly done by a double for Seagal. by 03/24/2009, 2:15am PDT Okay, I think that guy's arm is broken. NT by 03/24/2009, 2:33am PDT Also they found the skin under the fingernails was Seagal's and actually point i by 03/24/2009, 2:47am PDT He is too busy panting and heaving to talk during "fight" scenes by 03/24/2009, 9:22am PDT STEVEN SEGAL VS VAMPIRES? remind joh to download that one NT by 03/25/2009, 12:08pm PDT He is barely in it, like Jackie Chan in Fantasy Mission Force (minus the enterta NT by 03/25/2009, 1:57pm PDT |
