Caltrops - No Stairway to Heaven





	[quote name="Zsenitan"]As previously reported, I was in the Fucked Up Kids classes in junior high and high school. Anyway the fucked up boys loved Pantera - to a man they loved Pantera, perhaps they were unconsciously aware of the superiority of Dimebag but I disgress. Pantera scared the shit out of me. They weren't safe melancholy like Metallica; they were screamy scary guys with scary fonts on their CDs and scary colors and scary scarification all over their fans! Crazy. The fucked up girls listened to Tori Amos and The Doors. The Doors weren't scary. I never bought their dark mastery or whatever people love about them. But Tori Amos scared the shit out of me because she sang about raped fairies in a raped fairy voice. Of course when you are a troubled girl everyone's first reaction is oh you poor raped dear and I had all kinds of manuals for dealing with the aftereffects of the many vicious rapes I must have endured. Teachers with sweet faces and troubling relationships with perfume would take me aside, privately, in dark "safety closets" with punching bags in them, and tell me about how they were raped and how it's okay to talk about it whenever I needed to talk about it. I went to support groups for raped girls who were each damaged in unique ways and who would exaggerate or quietly underplay or otherwise try to avoid talking while moderators gently coaxed more details out of them. The whole thing terrified me and left me feeling hunted, defenseless, and transparent. I developed a vicious hatred for people who inelegantly expose themselves, including myself. Eventually, around the time I was 13, I lied and claimed that I was a victim of rape and molestation in kindergarten - like the complete naif I was, I claimed it was all at the hands of other <i>students</i>. I concocted a group scene, where a team of four 6-year-olds raped me and touched me inappropriately all the time! Why did anyone ever buy it?! I did it because it was easy, and I was by that time thinking about rape incessantly, and it satisfied my therapists and parents. For them it was like putting in the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle! Their relief, if you could call it that, at having a <i>real cause</i> was grossly evident. I was not then, nor am I now, a victim of sexual violence. We could make a case for co-molestation, but that's about it (sorry John.) I was not raped - except possibly by osmosis: drawn down and held under the dark watery rape culture of teen girls. Tori Amos represents that world; she is its natural and self-assigned voice. I will absolutely never stop despising her.[/quote]