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Everyone Screams Everything Edition.
|  | | | | The Eldar fight their enemies with the powwa of whining. | |
This adds single player campaigns for all races and throws in a crazy and mysterious new race right at the end. Also it counts the "imperial guard" as a new race I guess, because they have different buildings and their infantry look pretty small and twiggy compared to the big fat space marines. The imperial guard is almost like an antiquated army to the space marine's ultra futury technoreligious cult stuff.
The best addition to this game would probably be psykers, which are psychic warriors that you can attach to squads for the imperial guard, and they are all so totally fucking insane beyond the five prime insanes. I don't see what keeps these guys from being chaos forces, but I guess it works for them. They seem to have a problem even telling what time period they are currently perceiving. Best to get them back to focusing on how THEY WILL FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO MY MIND!!!!!!!! and casting morale damage spells.
You start by picking the side of order (imperial guard, gay Eldar) or disorder (orks, chaos marines), and then a couple of maps in, all four teams make a run for a psychic gate that blocks the next area, and it usually has your guys betraying whoever is the other part of your order or disorder side in order to get through. It's pretty satisfying to finish the psychic gate map as the imperial dudes and watch the Eldar locked out on the other side getting fucking assraped as the main Eldar bitch whines about YOU WILL NEVER WIN THIS DAY WITHOUT OUR PRECIOUS SOUUUUUUULSTONE (OOOO) while your imperial guard leader is like psh whatever, DIE, and you head off for the really sweet end battle while the Eldar bitch gets like 40 artillary shells lodged in her uterus just before a million bullets hit them at the same time.
The game ends up in a four way war for a giant Titan, which is an imperial mech as big as a fucking skyscraper, where you only capture and control a few giant Titan turrets to fuck up your enemies and blow shit up like mad. Except for the crazy ass orks, they're so obsessed with WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and taking it to the muthafuckin WYLD SIDE and wrecking that shit that their mission is to destroy the Titan, just because they can. They don't even give a shit about how its incredible firepower can turn the tides of war blah blah BLAH or crushing the mighty might of imperial warrior fighting hurfs, even as your ex chaos marine pals scream at you about how YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE POWWA THAT THE TITAN CAN UNLEASH, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU GOOOOOOORGUTZ, WHAT IS THE MEEEEEEEEEANING OF THISSSSSSS. That's orks for you! Ha ha ha ha ha........................ fun. The ork campaign basically ends with them going WEWLL DAT WUZ FUN, NOW LET'S FIND MORE ENEMIES TO CRUSH. The end! Credits roll.
Jso sez
|  | | | | The orks pronounce Squiggoth (this big ass dinosaur thing) as "skwiggif." | |
Has anyone else noticed how expansion packs no longer apply their changes to the original game? Now we need to use a different CD just to play this one VERSION of a game. The last game that allowed me to use the same disc for the original and expansion was Warcraft 3. :(
But hey wuteva. It's fun playing as the Imperial "Sissy" Guard. There is a massive sense of accomplishment taking your pitiful conscript army, and crushing the full forces of chaos/orks/faggy elf fags. Then you suddenly pull a giant 11-gun murder tank boss out and walk over an enemy base. Having some weak light armor walkers with an ability to uncap enemy flags is a nice touch.
There is only about 10 unique maps, if you count the last two maps which are exactly the same for all 4 factions, but with different objectives for each. However, the last 2 maps for each campaign allows for some very specified objectives, so the play experience will be different.
You don't play as space marines, because that was covered in the first DOW game anyway. However the only way to play with the new space marine units is to do a skirmish. :(
Jhoh again
|  | | | | In the future, some societies will no longer use money. Does this qualify as a socialist nightmare? | |
Since this expansion lets you play the other races in the single player campaign, you can get to know them a little better. The Eldar are still your basic elf race, taking turns being overconfident about themselves most of the time, bitching about how the humans are so incompetent AND THEIR PSYCHIC GATE IS SO INFERIOR THAT WE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS HM HAND TO CHIN. The imperial guard are less like the brainwashed genome clone cult that is the space marines, and seem more like a sexy threeway between the USSR, Amerikkkunt(!!!!!!) and Rome. The chaos dudes are basically guys who were directed to be way over the top all the time, and having demonic sacrifices to the dark gods and putting spikes on everything and shit. The orks are like the slobs who are obsessed with smashing shit up, and everything is makeshift, down to their buildings, where you select the area you want your building, and a junky jet flies over and drops a giant building-sized ball of junk and metal and parts that rolls into place and your builder units get it all set up like a fold out couch while Brian Regan stands there with his hands on his hips and says YEAH, SET IT UP FOR ME, LET ME KNOW WHEN IT'S ALL SET UP.
In my humble video game opinion, the best order to play the races is eldar first, because their final mission is the easiest, where you get control of the Titan turrets AND you get the soulstone thing which instantly destroys one of the secret enemy monoliths (okay they're the Necron, it's not really a spoiler, and they are super slow ultra powerful ancient race dudes). The ease of this mission helps make up for the fact that the psychic gate mission is a fucking pain in the ass all around, because the enemies pour in constantly no matter what and if you don't actively ignore the enemy bases and some enemy forces, you're fucked and the Titan crew convoy or your base will get fucking railroaded like a bitch ass mark. Next go with chaos marines and perhaps be sort of freaked out by how insane they all are, but still enjoy how their units never shut up when you click them because they are fucking nuts. End it all up with the orks who smash stomp chop the entire planet top to bottom, and construct additional WAAAAAGH! banners because you must. Also you get to have the chaos get bitchy at you when you backstab them for control of the titan just so you can dust it, while you go psh. Oh yeah and the ork builder units, the gretchins, are adorable. ^________^
Overall
It's a good thing Relic got those Homeworld games over with so they could work on these games, where everything is war, screaming, shooting, upgrading, and tanks. Add in some dakka dakka, and a little blood for the blood god (even if that blood is mine) and you have the ideal RTS. Until Dawn of War: Dark Crusade, which might be even more ideal, with the whole dynamic war fuckin planetary domination system shit, with playable Necrons and Tau, and the really intense-looking Gray Marines spawned from the Emperor's own gene seed and made specifically to fuck up demons. Boy I can't wait to play that as the eldar first so I can get them out of the way and have the next 6 races continuously stomp them into dust forever, vicariously destroying the very concept of elves in video games.
 Jhoh "Creexul" Cable and Jsoh "Joosh" Cable
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