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Intro:
|  | | | | The Cable Brothers are probably doing something horrible to brown people here. | |
Of course they can't top the previous intro, so this is more about how YOU THOUGHT THE WAR WAS OVER BUT IT'S NOT and more blowing shit up while some incredibly fake news reporters stand in front of news screens clutching their microphones with both hands like they're afraid someone will take it away from them as they report every move the good guys are planning to make to fight the war on TERAAAAOW. They give you a little hope at the end of the intro by acting like one of the reporters gets vaporized during a broadcast. HAW HAW HAW.
After the intro, the actual menu screen in both Generals and Zero Hour have a sort of canned battle area where it shows some GLA forces driving up to American tanks and other stuff and getting smoked left and right. This is the kind of thing you could just sit and watch after smoking a big ass bowl of weed before weed stopped being cool (which was around 99 or 2000). Unfortunately, stoners are now so universally annoying to basically everyone on the entire planet, beerz and alcohol stuffs replacing them as the more ideal buzz, so these menu screens aren't as watchable as they would be. But they are still pretty cool.
Actual game:
You start as the US, and the second or third mission gives you the navy to take command of, so you can have waves of jet fighters fly over an area attacking anything they see forever, and at the same time have battleships fuckin blast the shit out of enemy buildings with artillery that you make visible with spy drones. They even give you ground units, and you don't even need to use them because you can have the entire navy coat the whole map with artillery while you sit back with a ginger ale and watch and perhaps beat off. By the last US mission though, I almost bankrupted myself trying to keep all my air bases up and functional full of jets -- they were always getting shot down and I'd have to find the fuckin base again to rebuild new jets and regroup them to send them out on more suicide missions where they are shot down and their bodies are dragged through the street by "militant civilians" of the "local culture" as they tape it to be aired non stop on Al-Jizzeera and to be the only movies allowed to run in the only movie theaters allowed to exist in their countries.
It's pretty normal expansion pack stuff, a couple extra units per faction, more single player maps. The USA is still the good guys of course, and the GLA units still all sound like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on a coke bender.
One CRAZY plot twist in the expansion is it shows the GLA actually winning something of substance occasionally, such as them capturing a crazy space beam from the US and sinking one of their own aircraft carriers with it, afterwards showing a video of a reporter clearly from an Aljazeera propaganda type of news network talking about how because of this one aircraft carrier being blown up, the US might pull out of the entire continent of Europe, A DAY THE GLA HAS BEEN HOPING FOR FOR QUITE SOME TIME. ~____~ Also that may be from liberals MEWLING pablum about how amerikkkunt had it coming for trying to run the world and secretly building an evil global empire (the next day, Canada is annexed). Also at the end of the GLA campaign, your crazy terrorist army actually runs the US out of all of Europe leaving plenty of space for China to win by violating the shit out of every last Geneva Conventions (they use land mines even!!!!!!!!!) and become the main super power. So the game ends with China winning.
One of the biggest positives of C&C Generals is the game doesn't even try to make you feel bad for treating your units like cannon fodder, especially on the GLA team with all the suicide bombing units and shock troops. Ever since Blizzard put night elves into a game, having a supposed "good guy" race in an RTS became stupid, especially with the night elves campaign being nothing but a night elf bitch going OH WE SHOULD FREE THE ULTIMATE EVIL BETRAYER and night elf fag being like NO HE HAS BEEN IMPRISONED FOR A MILLION YEARS (BECAUSE WE ARE IMMORTAL AND HAVE PURPLE SKIN YOU SEE) then they free him and he becomes evil of course and almost fucks everything up, meanwhile the gay night elves act all superior and bitchy to the other races, and that's why Warcraft 3 is not for cool people (much like myself if I don't say so myself hmm yes). Warcraft could've taken a page from Generals and had it so you can end every map by gathering all of your units (including your ultra annoying hero units) around the last enemy building and nuking it multiple times, and not even have the game punish you for it. The only game that does "walking your dudes in to an obvious trap while you kick your heels back and not give a shit" better would be Dawn of War, which might be the best modern RTS these days.
The expansion also ends with a pretty abrupt dumping you off on the title screen thing instead of a real ending of any kind. It makes me miss the Dawn of War cutscenes where basically everyone screams all of their dialogue and puts as much unbelievably inappropriate emphasis on all the ridiculous syllables, which makes them the greatest third person cutscenes in video game history (besides the God of War ass and titties gorefests and the guy you rescue in the hydra's throat just to take his key and throw him all the way down the dead hydra while he screams while you laugh because psh you're Kratos fuck that guy, fuck that fuckin FAG).
Overall:
Same as Generals. Maybe a little more challenging because if you pick "normal" in this game it's on a higher difficulty setting than the "normal" in Generals. Might want to pick easy if you're going to play this for single player, because this game is only for blowing the shit out of all the enemy forces, so don't bother frustrating yourself with the higher difficulty levels, they'll just waste your time by requiring you to replay missions over and over again over stupid shit like your forces incorrectly engaging the enemy, or one guy on foot blowing up half of your tanks because your tanks wouldn't react correctly. There's that shit which sucks. What makes the game good is when you spam assault choppers and just float from building to building vaporizing every last enemy blip on the minimap in a matter of seconds while you sit there with shades on like "yeah, HAYUL YEAH." 8(
Number Scores:
Command & Conquer: Generals: 8.25 (it's a low 8, but a midrange low 8)
Command & Conquer: Generals: Zero Hour: 8.1 (an even lower 8 because by this point you'd have more memories of 50 of your infantry dudes being run over by a single enemy bicycle, and that always sucks)
 Jhoh "Creexul" Cable and Jsoh "Joosh" Cable
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