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| Jhoh "Creexul" Cable 3/19/2005 |
I haven't played Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose. And I'm not going to, ever. If you want to play Xenosaga 2, after Xenogears and the first Xenosaga have already been dumped on the world like so much toxic waste on that dude from Robocop, you are a fucking faggot.
You see, a long time ago I played the demo for Xenogears on that crazy, old, original Playstation. After about 2 hours, I got to the end, and thought, "You know, this game is pretty stupid." I told people this, and they crucified me like a pink chu chu creature on a cross, because how could I possibly know if the game is any good? I only played the demo. The full game has to be great: it's controversial and has such a deep meaningful story with great characters. And in my lamest moment of weakness, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I didn't cease thinking that Xenogears could ever be good, but I would not come to a finally final conclusion until I had played the entire game from beginning to end.
This proved to be a catastrophic blunder.
Reviewer's Tilt: 0/10
|  | | | | A dramatic scene unfolds (SPOILER WARNING). | |
I had played through all 80 mind-numbingly terrible hours of this objectively terrible game for pussies and faggots and came to the exact same scientific conclusion I did after playing the demo. Why did I need to play an extra 90% of the same game to find out the same thing? Was it because I was smarter than everyone else who told me I was an unsophisticated little pipsqueak, or prat or fob or whatever cultured-sounding British words someone wanted to use, who could not ever hope to appreciate the beautiful story of Xenogears with my tiny mind? Would history prove me to be right? Well, not to spoil the Movie of Life for everyone, but: yes and yes.
Once upon a time in the fru fru fairy cloud world of some newsgroup I used to go to, I mentioned this thing about Xenogears not being good, after playing the demo. People announced that they were coming out of lurking because they were so upset that someone would insult a game without playing the whole thing. The last thing I remember is that I was going to say just what was wrong with the game. By the time I came to, the newsgroup of around 1,000 posts per day average was gone, people covered with ash cowered in corners (of the newsgroup...... on the Internet), and there was blood and chunks of raw flesh in my hair. People suddenly refused to speak my name. The people who were still left, that is. And someone........ someone had wiped their feet on everyone's dreams.
And so, on that fateful day full of fate where the sun rose in the south and golfbags became magically filled with huge flopping dicks, I learned the hard way that you don't have to play a game to review it or judge it or find out if it's good. Bad things are bad. I can indeed go to anyone and tell them, "bad things are bad," without having to subject myself to a bad thing, like holding your hand over an open flame just to make sure it's hot. If I told Xenosaga fans what it took to reach the highest high, they'd *derisively chuckles quietly to themselves* and say "nothing's that simple." That is, before Jsoh and I destroy their entire lifestyle in front of their (fuckin) eyes and leave them unable to cope with the terrible carnage, as they wander off broken and hollow, their lives meaningless (so basically they'd be unchanged, OHHHHH).
MUTHAFUCKINHHHHHH AMAZIN ASS BABES: 10/10!
The game has much more realistic female characters this time around, which is definitely good for some hardcore jerking! Plus there is unprecedented interactivity with them, with the new "stroking" system. The other night, I was stroking one of my characters, and you wanna know what she told me? Let me tell you what she told me!
She said STROKE IT CLARANCE CARTER 8)
BUT DON'T STROKE SO FAST :(
IF MY STUFF AIN'T TIGHT ENOUGH, YOU CAN STICK IT UP MY
WOO!
I BE STROKIN 8)
*DOOT*
GRAPHICS & SOUND!: WORTHLESS/10
There's no point in using graphics or sound to render a worthless game (i.e. Xenosaga) with the intent on having people perceive it in any way.
TRENDY FUCKING PUSSY FACTOR: 10/10!
Keep an eye out for the various webcam portals where girls wow you (it should be noted that in Russian, "wow" means to disappoint or disgust, according to Norm Macdonald) by not taking off their clothes in some mistaken idea that anyone wants to see 20,000 pictures of them sitting in front of a computer, holding up ticket stubs to the fucking gay ass Creed or or or fuckin uhhh Taxicab Saves the Day or whatever faggot concert they went to. The girls who claim to be nerdy geeks with their "I HEART GEEKS" shirts (or panties, CLASSY!), who are geeks because the jocks ignored them at school(!!!), are sure to be holding up the box to this game. You know, there's nothing sadder than seeing a grown man pissing his pants, but that's what the guys will be doing as they flood her e-mail with pure amazement that a girl could be so cool as to play a video game, and thanking them for showing that even a totally hot babe can love the same games they do. On the other hand, when I send them a message thanking them for wasting my precious fucking time by not being nude, they don't seem to appreciate it. I dunno what the deal is, it's crazy.
SPECIAL MENTIONS AND APPEASEMENT
Winner of the "Clive Clemmons' Inappropriate Response Channel's Inappropriate Blowjob on a Low-Rated Game" award goes to................?
"Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Bose isn't wholly on par with the original, but it retains a rich narrative and a lot of soul. [JUST KIDDING -Gamespot ed]" - Bethany Massimilla, on Gamespot.com
So the game sucks, but it has soul. How many points does having a lot of soul get a game? Apparently a whopping 7 because a game that is objectively not worth playing by any human beings (except retarded anime fans.............. in other words anime fans OH ZING) should be a 0 or 1. Of course, most unplayable shitty games usually get a score of at least 5 on Gamespot, and as we all should know by now, any existing Xenosaga/gears game, including the Xenosagas that have yet to be made, would be below a 5 (which would be a game so offensively bad that it assaults the player with terribleness that will take a normally content person and depress them). That's just based on the experience of playing them, of course, and not the apologistic attempt to not offend the drooling mongoloid armies of retarded frenzy creatures and possible bipolars who would never forgive anyone who interrupted their j-rock MP3 collecting with a negative review of a beautiful Japanese work of art like Xenosaga. That's the hidden score you won't see on Gamespot, but it's the biggest factor. In order to avoid endless swarms of angry, bloated cosplayers, the hidden "anime appeasement" score overrides everything from common sense to graphics to the embarrassment inherent in having to play Xenosaga even if it's for money. Sure, for a while you would sit there, groaning loudly at the godawful dialogue, voice acting, plot, and the sheer length of boring, unimportant cutscenes that either have no bearing on the story or the story itself has no point in being told and indeed does not improve on the experience of a blank screen. But then you go to afansview.com and look at about 100 pics, and imagine all those people running at you at once, faces caked in crumbs and drool, eyes bulging like Billy Joel jacking off, neck veins pulsating through the giant cakes of plaque in their arteries. How else could you write a review of a 1.5 score game, list why it sucks and no one should ever play it, and then inflate the score as close to 10 as humanly possible and try to come up with the only positive thing a human being could ever say about the worst shit ever.
Any Gamespot reviewer who would make the mistake of giving a game based on some (stupid) anime (shit) would suffer the consequences of having the entire site destroyed........ by an angry "rant" on a fan's blog. And no one would want that, would they, those stupid with a flare guns.
 Jhoh "Creexul" Cable
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