Yeah, yeah, reviewed MGS4 this week. Now stop reading if you haven't played it because I'm going to spoil some shit. It's the same colour as the background so highlight it or copy paste it into notepad and frame it on your wall or something.

[THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS ARE, THEY WERE COLORED WHITE BUT I DIDN'T BOTHER TO HIDE THEM -Jayhoawh]

So at the end of Metal Gear Solid 2 boy-fag usurper Raiden hooks up with his pregnant shrew bitch of a fiancee and goes off into the sunset, but in MGS4 it seems she had a little baby booboo and miscarried the whelp, whereupon the pasty twat of a father-to-be got all depressed and buggered off to travel the world becoming a cyborg ninja badass. He saves Snake from a few close encounters and generally acts like a broody psychotic. Meanwhile his ex has married old Colonel Campbell to hop up and down on dried out military dick. Anyway, Raiden shows up towards the end of the game to save Snake again and apparently gets crushed to death, poignantly thinking of the first time he met his wife.

At this point, I was almost impressed. I'm cynical enough to relish the schadenfreude when the happily ever after goes balls-up. Raiden suddenly seemed like much less of a universally hateful pussy. And Mrs. Raiden shacking up with the Colonel in response to Raiden's abandonment was good characterisation; it's the kind of thing you'd expect actual human beings to do.

But then!

Otacon mentions in passing after Raiden's poignant death scene that, oh, guess he didn't die after all and he's had a few glasses of milk and is ready for more action. He shows up again at the end of the last mission with both his arms chopped off and with power over lightning for no adequately explained reason. He's become a hideous, cold, cyborgified demon. Fair enough, I thought, kind of makes that whole poignant death sequence moot but whatever. He gets stabbed up a whole bunch by enemy soldiers.

But then!

At the very end of the game, in a tacked-on epilogue sequence, Raiden shows up in a hospital bed. Totally de-cyborgified with two nice healthy pink arms glued back on. And then his ex-wife shows up and tells him the full story. Apparently she and the Colonel were only PRETENDING to be married in order to defer suspicion from the Patriots! And she couldn't tell him this earlier because the PATRIOTS would have found out! Also her child was actually born healthy but she couldn't tell him that either because the kid had to be hidden from the PATRIOTS for some reason! Also his house didn't actually burn down and his dog didn't die, it was all the PATRIOTS! It was all because of the PATRIOTS and now everyone can be happy because the PATRIOTS are gone. PATRIOTS.

[THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILER SPACE ENDS -Jahwu]

I'm not even going to explain why this shit pisses me off. If you don't agree that this is all complete fucking bullshit, just give Konami all your money. You don't fucking deserve it.

Yahtzee