Dear Mum wrote:


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There's a district in Bangkok called 'Patpong' which is notorious for its sex shows. Apparently somewhere here you can see the flashy transvestite shows, etc... but we weren't able to find them. Patpong is also a big market that sells all kinds of expensive fake goods, and a lot of normal people and even children shop here while sex shows and worse are going on just meters away.

When you walk down the outside stalls of the market, touts ask you if you'd like to see a 'ping pong show'. They say, "Ping pong show, sir?" and they show you a small card with familiar objects like candles, bananas, soaps, and ping pong balls printed on it. If it weren't laminated, you'd think it were pretty mundane shopping list, but of course it's actually a list of things you can pay to watch girls shoot out of their vaginas.

Having walked a great distance and found nothing more suitable, we decided to check it out. We were one of three couples at this particular show. As an audience, we were all quite normal looking and all seemed embarrassed to be there.

A man on a microphone said a few things in terrible English and then the show began.

The process was more or less the same for each object. A very bored looking girl would lie on the floor of the stage, stuff the object into her vagina, and then shoot it out. It usually traveled about 2m, but the final distance depended on the weight of the object. After she had 'shot' her object, she got up, walked over to it, reloaded, and then repeated the process a few times to no applause. I guess none of us thought it was appropriate to clap. It's not the kind of thing you want to publically approve of. The MC was silent during all this which is such a shame because any commentary over a microphone couldn't help but be hilarious, especially considering how awkward we felt.

Anyway, the story! The show had got to about the third object on its list before we were forced to leave for reasons I cover below, so we missed out on 'snakes' which was what I was looking forward to, but we did get to see bananas.

A fat lady was doing the bananas. She got as little reaction from the audience as the ping pong and candle girls before her, so she decided to get us involved. She moved to the edge of the stage, about three meters from where we were sitting, and loaded her banana. It looked like she was aiming at Irene, but neither of us thought she would shoot it at Irene because that was unprecedented and also because Irene would be the last person in the audience you'd single out for that kind of thing, right? I thought perhaps she would scare Irene, shoot it in the air, and then try and catch it in her mouth, which would be quite clever, but we'd already seen that you can only shoot things pretty much horizontally from your vagina so Irene and I were both pretty concerned.

She did shoot it at Irene, but missed by about a foot. It landed on the seat of the chair next to her and then must have skidded along and bounced off the back of the chair because it ended up on the floor.

We were both pretty shocked by this mostly because we weren't sure whether to be impressed or offended. Irene reached to pick up the banana. The woman shouted out "No! No!" but it was too late. Irene had picked it up, and after being told not to do that, she handed it to her sheepishly. The lady was even more embarrassed that Irene had picked it up, so it was a very awkward moment for all concerned.

After each object, some ladies would approach the couples and speak with them for a few minutes before the couples would leave. This was also concerning. After the banana, they paid us a visit and told us that the 'actual' ticket price is $15 dollars. We argued with them for a minute and then left without paying, but they didn't seem very angry because we'd already bought drinks.

I guess the act of shooting ping pong balls etc... is popular because it's famous after appearing in films like Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Putting things in a vagina has the potential to be erotic because it mimics an important part of the act of sex, but shooting them out of a vagina at 50km/hr is the opposite of that, and it's not even clever in a juggling kind of way. No one's catching the ball or even aiming it very precisely. I'm sure I could do a better job with my ass cheeks if I tried.

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