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| I just thought of an awesome premise for an episode of J*A*G. by Jerry Whorebach 10/13/2006, 8:16am PDT | ||||
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From left to right: Bud, Harm, Admiral Chegwidden, Mac. Cold Comfort It's winter time in Navy Headquarters, Virginia and the weather is unseasonably cold and it's snowing heavily. All the JAG lawyers are complaining about it when Admiral Chegwidden calls Mac (Catherine Bell) and Harm (David James Elliot) into his office. He has an assignment for them: a marine corporal has been accused of smuggling drugs into Pearl Harbour Marine Base. Looks like they are going to sunny Hawaii! Don't forget to take Bud (Patrick Labyorteaux)! Then there is the opening credit montage. Afterwards they arrive in Hawaii and get picked up in an open-top hummvee driven by a big fat Hawaiian wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Ugg introduces himself and the audience is surprised to learn that he speaks perfect English and even uses American slang. Driving onto the base Ugg explains that Crystal Meth is a big problem for the Navy. Local crime syndicates manufacture it and gangs sell it to kids on every street corner. It was a shame but unfortunately the Navy had no mandate to wage war with drug dealers on American soil. Then recently meth started showing up on base. Pretty soon marines were stumbling around without a tooth in their heads, stealing Navy property to sell for their next fix. But try not to let that ruin your stay here, Ugg says, the weather sure beats Virginia and the base has a new local civilian cook who really knows how to roast a pig on a stick and put pineapple in everything. Mac, Harm and Bud go about standard operating proceduce for a while. They meet the base commander, who can't believe one of his own men could do such a thing but there's no other explanation because the base is sealed up tighter than a nun's panties (he apologises to Mac for that remark but she isn't new at this whole Marine thing and has heard it all before). Then they interview the accused. He is earnest and sincere and maintains his innocence. After they leave the brig Bud is convinced he couldn't have done it. Mac and Harm are more reserved but they're thinking the same thing. They send Bud off to examine microfiche or something while they talk with the corporal's friends. After talking to some marines who all say the same thing - he is innocent - they finally talk to an important one. Harm notices he keeps playing with his teeth as if they are loose. During their conversation the kid doesn't answer a question and just looks stunned. Mac thinks she has him on the ropes and asks him again more forcefully but he starts shaking violently and falls to the floor. He is having an overdose! Harm rushes to his aid and this would be a sweet fuckin spot for a commercial break. When we return corpsmen (this is what they call paramedics on JAG) are wheeling the kid out of the barracks on a stretcher. Mac is angry about crystal meth (really she is angry at herself for pushing the kid too hard). Harm notices something on the floor and bends down to pick it up. It is some pineapple that must have been in the kid's pockets. Their first real clue! Harm breaks a piece off and rubs it between his fingers then smells them. Mac is doubtful that it means anything but Harm points out that it's all they have to go on. Now this next part doesn't make complete sense but bear with me because it's absolutely critical to the plot. Harm and Mac decide to trace the pineapple to its source, the base's pantry. Mac asks a private who is just going home for the evening where they keep the pineapple. He tells her they get huge industrial-sized drums of frozen pineapple rings shipped from Virginia and she can find them in the freezer. She thinks isn't that a bit ridiculous given that they are in Hawaii but Harm points out that this is the Navy they are dealing with. The episode's mood is at its lightest but everyone knows it is always brightest just before sunset. Examining one of the drums, Mac notes that she has always hated pineapple. Harm notes more usefully that the drum has been tampered with. This must be how they are smuggling drugs onto the base! Suddenly, the freezer door slams shut. Harm rushes to open it but finds it already locked from the outside. Harm and Mac look at each other like they always do after something dramatic happens but before we cut to commercial. I'm going to be purposefully vague about what happens in the freezer because it's mostly dialogue and character stuff and that bores the shit out of me. I mostly watch JAG for the stock footage of fighter jets. Anyway, just remember that these scenes would contain two ironies. The important irony being that just hours ago our protagonists were complaining about how cold it was in Virginia and now they are freezing to death in Hawaii. The other irony is that Mac hates pineapple and she is about to die surrounded by it. Mac and Harm eventually end up huddled together for warmth and having a deep, meaningful conversation. They know there is a good chance they are about to die. Neither one regrets devoting their lives to the service of their country. Harm tells a story about how his father was shot down over Vietnam when he was a boy. Mac looks into his eyes and it looks like they are about to finally kiss, when... Bud opens the freezer door and sticks his head in. At this point the audience is probably screaming in frustration or just biting the pillow they had been hugging to their body. Our savage fuckin breasts are soothed by Bud sheepishly asking if he is interrupting something and we giggle because you can't stay mad at JAG. Next thing we know Mac and Harm are sitting in the base commander's office wrapped in blankets and drinking hot chocolate. Bud explains in a humorously convoluted way how he came to rescue them. As it happened all that scanning microfiche or uploading databases or whatever made him hungry. When he went to the base kitchen to fix himself a snack he overheard the new civilian chef, the one Ugg mentioned way back at the beginning of the episode and you thought was completely unrelated to the main plot didn't you, making a drug deal on his cell phone. Maybe somewhere in that last sentence Bud got into too much detail about the snack he was planning, like how it would have been peanut butter and banana with the bananas sliced lengthwise and Mac had to steer him back on track. Once the chef was in custody he quickly confessed to framing the corporal and locking our heroes in the freezer under threat of being left alone in the interrogation room with Ugg who looks scary but is really just a big teddy bear. Ugg is also in the commander's office and he says he thinks he likes acting tough, maybe he could be the next Robert DeNiro and everybody laughs. Harm never thought he'd say this but he can't wait to get back to Virginia. Now, here's where the ending kicks in its afterburners and climbs into a second ending even more wicked than the last. Harm and Mac are back in Virginia, having dinner at Bud's house. They thank him again for rescuing them and he asks what they were talking about when he found them. They are saved from having to answer by Bud's wife. She has brought desert. Who likes... pineapple upside-down cake! Oh you know that's a fuckin' freeze frame. Bonus Pics! 
If you look closely you can see Catherine is wearing an anatomically correct bra. 
If I were Catherine and totally fuckin uncoordinated I would grab right next to my boobs all the time. 
That's one sailor I actually want to go down on. |
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I just thought of an awesome premise for an episode of J*A*G. by 10/13/2006, 8:16am PDT  very nice and all, but post videogame prison already NT by 10/14/2006, 7:54pm PDT This was great. But no guest star who fuses country music with laid-back Hawaiia NT by 10/15/2006, 12:24am PDT I was amused by the story! NT by 10/15/2006, 2:04am PDT Jso says something about a good reason to turn JAG.............. OFF NT by 10/15/2006, 9:14pm PDT PS thanks for summing up every episode of every TV show ever. NT by 10/15/2006, 9:21pm PDT Does that chump think he knows more about TV than the expert (you)?! 8( NT by 10/15/2006, 10:43pm PDT Psh, NO 8( NT by 10/15/2006, 11:57pm PDT |
