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| Tuesday Night Special by Jerry Whorebach 08/02/2006, 1:04am PDT | ||||
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"CRIMINAL MINDS" PREMISE: FBI profilers fly around the country solving murders. They do this by literally getting inside the head of an UNSUB* and using his own guilty eyes to (1) look in a mirror, (2) see a highly-intelligent white male between the ages of 25 and 40 leering back at them. I guess the same qualities that make you successful in every other facet of life also make you a better killer. *This is their favorite word and gets used twenty times every episode. Which is funny because Anthony LaPaglia also works for the pretend FBI and has never said it ever. CAST JASON GIDEON: Remember William Peterson's character in Manhunter? How he was the hottest-shit profiler in the FBI until a traumatic incident drove him into retirement? Then the FBI got so lost without him that they had to call him back, despite his being damaged goods? Well you'd better forget all of that before you meet Gideon or he will strike you as a bald-faced ripoff. AARON "HOTCH" HOTCHNER: Motherfucking Greg from motherfucking Dharma and motherfucking Greg. Not just the same actor, I mean the same character, who I will assume you are intimately familiar with from watching that show almost as much as I did :( ELLE GREENAWAY: A girl. There is some sexual tension between her and whoever she is assigned to share a moment with this week. She has no personal relationships outside of the office so we won't have to feel betrayed on behalf of the men she works with. DEREK MORGAN: An athletic ladies man, Derek can be summed up by his two main interests - basketball and big bouncing booty. Although it hasn't been touched on yet, I suspect there may be a time when he has to decide whether his loyalties lie with The Man or the travelling minstrel show in which he was raised. DR. SPENCER REID: A child prodigy, this implausibly young academic was promoted to acting ensign by Gideon after solving the Farpoint case. Despite a hint of autism and pronounced lack of social graces, Reid hopes to one day impregnate the team's media liaison in her mouth, ass. Note: Gideon's fatherly and Derek's brotherly advice about women may be useful to those of us also seeking to lose our virginity. ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: "Each episode has a voice-over in one of the early sequences, and again in the concluding one, discussing a quote by a well-known author or poet. The quote ties in to the case in the episode and by revisiting it at the end of the episode a sense of conclusion is achieved. The voice-over is most often given by Gideon, but occasionally Hotchner and Reid have done so as well." I appreciate the way the show doesn't try to force us into identifying with the lady agent or the black agent by making us privy to their internal monologues. Besides, shoe-horning some great thinker's words through their oversized, pouty lips could prove as difficult as pulling priceless heroin balloons from a grubby smuggler's unwilling bum. "Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow. In every episode the team will originally focus in on the wrong suspect. The proper suspect will only be deduced during the last 15 minutes or so of the show, and it will be a person that has only briefly appeared earlier, if at all." This practice is better known as James H. Vipond's Law, named for the first man to recognize it and rush off to tell the internet. "Trivia: Gideon has hinted that their BAU [Behavioural Analysis Unit] is the best in the world." AWESOME |
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Tuesday Night Special by 08/02/2006, 1:04am PDT  Re: Tuesday Night Special by 08/02/2006, 1:08am PDT I stopped watching Hannibal Lecter movies when they replaced Brian Cox with NT by 08/02/2006, 1:19am PDT I mean NT by 08/02/2006, 1:20am PDT HIGH FIVES FOR BOTH NAMES NT by 08/04/2006, 5:40pm PDT |
