Caltrops - =( - Adventures of my own retard school experience.

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by Flurgendorf J. Creexul 08/23/2003, 12:08am PDT

Actually, my history with school is like extremely extra super long and sad and pathetic. In fact, it's really hard for me to remember the correct order it goes in, so I have to start from all the way at the beginning.

Head Start: This is a preschool thing. Went here for two years, because moom wanted us to have an EXTRA head start. I can still remember the time I made a wall out of the fake bricks, and knocked them down. Also the time when some teacher person asked how penut butter was made. A girl said, "peanuts are put on a piece of bread, and they wave a knife over it and it's made!" As seen in a commercial, so you can't blame her. In fact, I don't think I did, but I corrected her immediately because a few days before I had seen on Seasame Street where they actually show how peanut butter is made, in a factory. I was like all proud for thinking I was smart. BUT NOT SMART ENOUGH TO CALL A PIZZA PLACE WITHOUT CRYING. Oh yeah I also had a crush on a girl named Leigh or something then. I was 5, and she was 4, so that's like so wrong I can't even imagine. :( Actually, we might've both been 4. Fuck if I know.

Kindergarden thing: Pretty basic. We never knew how good we had it only going half a day to a cute little building. The elementary school was right next to our kindergarden thing there, and it was literally about 200 times bigger. I remember one humiliating thing, when they gave us all a piece of paper that wasn't colored in, and some crayons. I instantly start coloring it in. Everyone laughs at me, because I wasn't paying attention when the teacher said DON'T COLOR OVER THIS. I must've been daydreaming or something, but of course it's a stupid thing to do. Fortunately it is not a hard mistake to make when you are in kindergarden, but I felt like a retard. What we were really supposed to do with the page was color different sections in with specific colors. It was a test of taking directions and I failed before it even started. :( But still, not REALLY shameful.

Circle one: it was in the portables behind the school, which was like another head start thing, this time it was going for before first grade. I think it's made for people who are born late in the year and therefore are a little younger than everyone else in the school. Either that, or it was for kids who already knew how to read or some shit, because we learned to write in that class. There was some class about making a calender and learning to brush your teeth every day. Unfortunately I was absent that day (which was really rare for me back then), and therefore never really picked up the habit, even to this day. :(

First grade: Everyone was already learning to read, and I was going to "special" classes for the few kids (like me and Jsoh) who already knew how. We knew before going to school though. Not sure how we picked up on it, watching Seasame Street at age 0 until 5 might've helped.

Second grade: crashing and burning. We almost learned cursive, but when I was absent for another day and missed one of the letters, the catching up was so brutal that I was never able to fully get to it, and that's why I can only print today (I ended up forgetting almost the entire cursive alphabet today). I was such a goddamn perfectionist that it would take me as long, if not longer, to write my name in cursive than it does in normal printing. Plus it looks all clumsy.

Our second grade teacher would go next door to the classroom (which was only seperated by a bunch of cabinets), and the teacher there would pool our classes together. There was plenty of space on the floor for that, so whatever. The class we pooled together with had my brother in it, too, which was nice, we liked BEING SMART together, along with both leaving for our special "smart kids who can read good" class thingy. Anyway, our classes would pool together, and my teacher loved space study shit. Shit that adults normally look at as a huge waste of their taxpayer money. Growing tomatoes in space, rats in space. We brought in money once so everyone in the class could buy one of those freeze dried ice cream package things they sell at the Detroit Science Center. Which was cool by the way. Anyway, this lead up to the one day when we were going to have a big SPACE WEEK thing. My teacher was hyping it like all fucking month, I don't know. It was a pooled class thing though, which was pretty usual. She loved the idea. First day, Josh, who isn't even in her class, forgets his pencil. She screams at him, YOU CRASHED AND BURNED, YOU HAVE FAILED. That's why it makes my heart a little warm to imagine the space teacher on the Challanger dying. Dying for the sins of teachers everywhere. SHE IS LIKE MY OWN PERSONAL JESUS.

Some time in first or second grade maybe: We had a one hour music class on a specific day of the week, every week. There was a guy who was teaching it, but I also remember a woman was teaching it, I think AFTER, possibly because the guy quit (which I never thought of until just now). Maybe he still worked there with different classes, I don't know. I remember one time he had us all huddle together in the middle of the class to talk about something important. He was like, THIS IS IMPORTANT. ONE DAY I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET. I usually don't start talking out of nowhere, interrupting teachers and shit, but I blurted out, "THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY IMPORTANT." After a lot of screaming, I was sitting in the corner of the room about 20 feet away, trying not to cry really loud. The teacher even made some reference to me being mean while he was talking about whatever it was. Maybe his son got vivisected by a car that day. I can imagine it would've been very out of place to talk over him. But anyway the class ended, and I walked out crying more, and the teacher soon came down and apologized or something, and I think the principal was there too. I guess by the end of the class he had calmed down, but I still never listened to what he was talking about then, because I was stewing in my self pity or sadness or whatever I was upset about for having to sit in a corner after getting yelled at. Were the 80s just really tense times for everyone? I guess no one could deal with the idea that they could all get AIDS if they had sex with anyone who wasn't tested. I can imagine that would be a pretty huge bummer for an entire country of like 250,000,000 people. Except gay guys, I guess they didn't really give a shit if they got AIDS or not. But anyway!

Third grade: My teacher in third grade really liked me. I guess he was proud of having a "smart" student, so even when I did something really stupid (like I pointed to the wind direction before throwing a frisbee, he would be like AH HE IS CHECKING THE WIND) he would support it. He seemed like a nice guy though. I think he was also proud of having a twin in his class, because he had twin daughters. They're probably incredibly hot now. One day, during a school assembly, they were both sitting next to me (on the ground in the gym/cafeteria). They always told us, you can't get up no matter what during the assembly, NO MATTER WHAT. I was in agony for like 10 minutes because I had to piss really really really bad. But since we apparently weren't able to get up, even in a life or death situation as far as I knew, I ended up pissing my pants while my teacher's hot sexy twin daughters were sitting on either side of me. Since then, I've never talked to a girl, ever. FOR REAL.

To be continued................................. :(