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Wrong Turn and the state of horror movies. by Fussbett 06/04/2003, 2:28am PDT
You may feel free to refer to me as a horror movie fan. An afficianado of this retarded genre. It's very hard being a horror fan these days. Identity thrilled me with the A-list slasher beginning only to punish me for getting my hopes up shortly after. I admired what Rob Zombie was trying to do with House of 1000 Corpses, but it was such a juvenile patchwork story that the suck sullied his call for a return of old school horror, away from the teen slasher flicks.

Now Wrong Turn takes a stab at the genre. Apparently inspired by the box office profits of Jeepers Creepers, this movie features some of the most vile characters in a typical B-movie slasher plot. The villains are pretty bad too! Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

Six twenty-something models end up stranded in the woods, out of cell phone range, nothing but the latest fashions from American Eagle with which to defend themselves. After learning about each character, you'll yearn for the days when filmmakers didn't even take a stab at growing emotional attachments to the fodder. The way we learn about each character in one line of dialog is as graceful as anything else in a movie about mutant inbred cannibal mountain men. One character points out a roadkill animal. "I went to medical school" says another. Two insufferable characters smooch and talk about wedding plans incessantly. "They're engaged" explains the bitter fifth wheel chick. Why is she so-- "She just got dumped". Oh, I see. It was a little hard to spot the token (TOKING?) stoner character at first, so keep your eyes peeled. He has slightly shaggier hair than the other guys, and before smoking a joint in the first 20 seconds of screen time, his friends drop awkward pot slang in his direction while rolling their eyes. For a while I considered the possibility that the movie wanted me to hate these characters. Hey, were these lost kids in fact THE EVIL KILLERS?! Now that would be a hell of a twist, and very satisfying as I certainly despised these fuckers. Look at that -- I just wrote a better movie in my head. Unfortunately the movie I was stuck watching had no such imagination, and I was relieved each and every time a character died. "Thank Christ I won't have to hear his stupid shit anymore". That's me talking.

The movie quickly settles into the slashing aspect, and for a while it's a good gore movie. Very grisly. Almost enough for me to recommend it, because if you like horror movies too, you've probably put up with much worse *cough* Argento. I overheard some chicks leaving the theatre who were complaining to their boyfriends that it was "too disgusting". Sadly, no axe chopped their heads off.

That's where the review ends. Please hand in your test sheets. Now here are some random thoughts:

  • The protagonist driving a classic car -- that's gotta stop in all movies. That's done. It's never believable, despite what the actors show up to work driving in LA. In this particular movie, the dude lives in Pennsylvania and he drives an immaculate mid-60s Mustang. I suppose his winter car is a crummy Chevelle or something. These cars also give the foley guys carte blanche to mic the very hammer of Thor as the exhaust sound. I suppose it's possible that this medical graduate dropped a hemi JET ENGINE into the 1966 Mustang, but why bother? Isn't it enough that his jawline competes in the UFC and you've named this character Jared Flint Stone or whatever? We get it, he's COOL.


  • Scaring the audience with a mega-decibel music sting to represent a cat jumping or a character getting startled by their joking friend -- your movie sucks.


  • Wrong Turn was written by the writer of Spawn, Rapid Fire, Halloween 4, and Ballistic: Ecks Versus Sever -- This guy is a one-stop shit store.


  • Queens of the Stone Age are on a million soundtracks now -- The lead character is listening to the "Rated R" QotSA CD during his trip which is really depressing.

  • I have no hopes for Jeepers Creepers 2 -- I really dug JC up until the monster was revealed.
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    Wrong Turn and the state of horror movies. by Fussbett 06/04/2003, 2:28am PDT NEW
        Fuck you. "Suspiria" owns slasher flicks. NT by Lizard_King 06/04/2003, 3:33am PDT NEW
            So he's 1 for 30. Hooray for him. NT by Fussbett 06/04/2003, 4:04am PDT NEW
                Most directors don't come close to that record. Especially in horror. by Lizard_King 06/04/2003, 4:32am PDT NEW
                    A couple of exceptions by FoK 06/04/2003, 8:22am PDT NEW
                    Hey, great thesis. by Fussbett 06/04/2003, 5:39pm PDT NEW
                        Fair enough. His hairy arm alone in Suspiria was the stuff of nightmares. NT by Lizard_King 06/05/2003, 6:52pm PDT NEW
                That 1 is subtracted by his "Dario Argento Presents" movies by Fullofkittens 06/04/2003, 8:15am PDT NEW
                    For what it's worth, 28 Days Later looks neat by SBDMT 06/05/2003, 12:25am PDT NEW
                        Totally. NT by FoK 06/05/2003, 8:12am PDT NEW
                            I agree NT by me too 06/05/2003, 8:41am PDT NEW
                        for awhile I thought the trailer for that was for Resident Evil 2 NT by FABIO 06/05/2003, 10:22pm PDT NEW
                    Nice review. NT by Lizard_King 06/05/2003, 6:55pm PDT NEW
                        Thanky NT by FoK 06/05/2003, 11:42pm PDT NEW
                            Fag NT by Entropy Stew 06/06/2003, 12:07am PDT NEW
                                Re: Fag by FoK 06/06/2003, 12:08am PDT NEW
                                    few;oih;oihgeg;oihw NT by Entropy Stew 06/06/2003, 12:24am PDT NEW
     
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