According to a report in The New York Times, Tucson sent a 21-foot Saguaro cactus as a gift to Amazon, though the company gave it to a museum. Other cities like Tulsa and Detroit have set up "war rooms" with dozens of people working on Amazon proposals. Even burgs like Danbury, Connecticut, Frisco, Texas, and Ottawa, Ontario, have gone to great lengths to serenade the e-commerce giant.

If it was impossible for one company to have two headquarters, it’s really impossible to have three. These are just regional offices. In fact, they’re extensions of the offices Amazon already have in the New York and Washington metro areas. The two cities have the tech-savvy workforce, transportation hubs, and education pipelines Amazon asked for in its solicitations.

They are also critical to Amazon’s not-at-all-secret quest for world domination. Amazon thrives on government contracts and close collaborations with defense and intelligence operations, so D.C. is a natural fit. It’s also where Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos just bought a giant mansion in which to hold salons, and the local newspaper. Bezos also has a home in New York...