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| Wolf of Wall Street by fabio 01/02/2015, 10:14am PST | ||||
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| There were 3 constant thoughts I had as I was watching this: "None of this happened", "Was this made by actual adults?", and "Fuck Judd Apatow".
None of this happened You have to embellish to an extent for a movie, but this entire thing comes off as lying asshole Tucker max revisionism. Worse, it's not even GOOD total bullshit. "We got totally fucked up and hooted like a bunch of apes as we totally fucked this chick right there on the table." I just spoiled every scene in this movie. You might think at least you get to see lots of tits, but 90% of them have Jonah Hill's O face right next to them so it's a wash. A good movie might have been made out of a character study of what a compulsive liar the narrator was, but not here. Was this made by actual adults? All of the wacky embellishment hijinks are so terrible that it felt like they got Jeph Jacques to adapt the book into a movie. WE WERE FUCKING SO MUCH WE PUT UP NO FUCKING SIGNS IN THE BATHROOM! Tell me that is not something Questionable Content would have if Jeph did R rated material. Holding this movie up to Wall Street is the perfect showcase for how dumbed down modern movies have gotten. Wall Street didn't stop to explain stock market shit. They rattled off real financing terms, investment strategies, and laundering techniques. Even if the viewer didn't understand the specifics, they knew the gist of it and followed along. Wolf assumes its audience is too stupid to even know what an IPO is. Literally, Leo tells the camera the basic definition of IPO before announcing, "You know what? It doesn't matter. This is all probably flying right over your head." Another scene that explains their biggest coup in the firm's history is aborted less than 10 seconds into it with, "it doesn't matter." Can you imagine if Goodfellas or Casino did that shit every time they started going over the operation? WS: Real numbers and measures of stock exchanges. Wolf: Not one single term (besides IPO) is used. No numbers aside from Birdemic levels of whole dollar amounts stupidity. WS: Discussed buying and selling strategies. Wolf: Can't even handle the most basic buy low sell high element of capitalism. Leo's grand strategy is to take 50% commission instead of 1%. There might be some genius in how that was first done with penny stocks, but this movie sure doesn't convey it. WS: Went over how the money and trading was hidden from law enforcement through the use of cronies and shell companies. Even Goodfellas and Casino went over this. Wolf: "We totally converted all the company's net worth into cash and taped it under a Russian bride's clothes before putting her on a flight to Switzerland." WS: Greed is good speech. Wolf: Several speeches showing the "brilliant" sales techniques and charismatic leadership qualities of Jordan Belfort. Too bad they don't have the writing chops to come anywhere close to pulling it off. He's supposed to be a brilliant sleaze, but there's less power of persuasion in this entire movie than there is in a single Jeff Winger speech from Community. Fuck Judd Apatow I blame him for the modern mumblecore trend in comedies. Scene after scene of painful rambling improv. Improv is bad enough when done by actual comedians. To watch Leonardo DiCaprio do it? The absolute best you can hope for with this kind of comedy is a conversation exactly as funny as shooting the shit with your friends, making it completely useless as standalone entertainment. Every single scene that isn't a highball kegger is rambling improv. Fuck this movie. I could only stomach it in 20 minute chunks and I still couldn't get through its THREE HOUR run time. Are we still doing year end lists? Most inexplicably praised movie of 2014. The Transformers movies used to be the golden standard of the dreadful state of movies, but at least nobody ever nominated them for FIVE goddamn oscars. |
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Wolf of Wall Street by 01/02/2015, 10:14am PST  It was based off the book of an ex-convict. by 01/02/2015, 11:29am PST That's why it should have had an unreliable narrator angle by 01/02/2015, 6:15pm PST Review request: Boiler Room NT by 01/02/2015, 7:38pm PST Fuck Christopher Guest by 01/02/2015, 6:03pm PST BREAKING NEWS: CALTROPS POSTER FABIO HATES A MOVIE by 01/04/2015, 11:05am PST THIS JUST IN: OPINIONS ARE BAD NT by 01/04/2015, 2:47pm PST Pain & Gain is the better version of this movie by 01/05/2015, 1:19am PST Holy shit was I going to blow a gasket before I noticed the capital "F" NT by 01/05/2015, 3:12pm PST Nope! It was me! by 01/05/2015, 4:34pm PST |
