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| My latest Yahoo Answer by Commander Tansin A. Darcos 12/12/2013, 6:00pm PST | ||||
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| How to tell boyfriend I want to be a virgin until marriage?
How to tell boyfriend I want to be a virgin until marriage? Sheerio: So basically, I've decided that I don't want to have sex until I get married. My boyfriend hasn't pressured me and he is very loving, however I sometimes feel like he wants to go further than make-out and I always feel guilty getting him to that point and then stopping because it's gotten too far. Me not wanting to have sex until marriage is my decision and please respect that/don't try to convince me otherwise and please don't tell me to just have sex with him. I'm not ready and I want to wait. Just answer the question "how do I tell him I don't want to have sex until I get married?" The problem is that his last girlfriend had sex with him all the time and I don't, so I always feel like nothing comparing to her (in the aspect that she kept him sexually satisfied while I am not) and I don't want him to leave me/cheat on me. I just don't know what to do. We're both 19 if that helps. Thank you so much! My Response: First, you haven't really said why you have decided you want to wait until marriage. For too many people - mostly women, but occasionally men - they have decided, not for logical reasons but because of a religious misunderstanding. As an agnostic, I of course study the Bible closely, and there is no prohibition on ordinary unmarried people having sex. There is a prohibition on "fornication" which the original meaning was paid sex with prostitutes, and there is a restriction that if a man takes a woman's virginity without marrying her he owes her father the difference in her bride price since she's not worth as much, and if he pays it, that's the end of the matter. So please don't be doing this because you think it's a religious requirement because it's not. But if you've decided for logical reasons such that it is right for you, that's fine. I tell people here all the time that if you're not ready to have sex don't be talked into it but if you are ready don't be talked out of it. What's 'ready'? "You're ready to have sex when you want it and you're totally comfortable and trusting of the person you're with." This also means that if you're serious about this you need to stop making out with him unless it's because you hope he'll push you far enough that he'll break your resistance and you'll want to. Because depending on self control to make you want to stop is a great way to end up one day letting the guy have you because what he's doing feels so good, then maybe you hate yourself and regret it. Now, also the issue comes in as to when you told him you would not have sex before marriage. If you were forthright from the start then he knew this going in and it was his decision. I always told women when we first started communicating - since usually we'd find each other on-line - that my intentions were honorable, that if we liked each other and the chemistry was right I'd want to have sex with them. This way if they weren't interested they could tell me and I could look elsewhere. And if the chemistry wasn't right I'd know by the second or third date and I could go look for a permanent girlfriend in some other woman. But if you did not make this clear in advance, then I think you're going to need to do one of two things. First, either you need to admit it isn't going to work and break up with him so he can find a woman who does fit what he wants that you are unable to give him, or you're going to have to give him a "restricted leash," in which he can also date other women and have sex with them, but he must always use a condom. And when you decide to have sex, which, presumably will be when you get married, your husband will always get to have sex with you bare, so he's going to get something special (until you do decide to have children, I hope you will use contraception if you change your mind.) Because if you didn't make it clear in advance it's not fair to him to force him to accept celibacy for what could be years; most people can't afford to marry until they're in their 30s, and he's used to having sex. So either you give him a safety valve, or I suspect what will happen is that he will leave. It's perfectly reasonable for you to say that you won't have sex but unreasonable then to expect him to have to live by a rule that you decided for yourself that may not be right for him. It is way too easy for a guy to find very nice, respectable women who like sex before marriage and decide that he doesn't want to wait 10 years or more and moves on to someone else. But a lot of guys would like the idea of having a girlfriend or two, getting his passions out with some really good sex with them, then finding a virgin and marrying her. This was often common practice and it's one you might decide to take advantage of. Then he's not deprived and you're not having to give in when you're not ready. But you really shouldn't seriously expect him to give up sex for what potentially could be ten or fifteen years. He might put up with this for a few months, maybe even a year, but eventually he either will break up, he will ask you for sex and when you can't give it to him and can't let his leash out a little he'll break up, or he'll cheat on you and have sex with other women and not tell you. I use "cheat" in the sense of someone who has a relationship, either with or without sex, where they have sex or sexual conduct with others without the permission of their primary partner. If two people are married and a guy's wife gives him ok to continue to see his ex-girlfriend because she offers him oral sex and his wife can't bring herself to do that, he's not cheating on his wife because he's been open about it and she gave permission. But if he snuck behind her back and did it, he would be cheating on her. Another reason you probably should stop making out with him is that he's going to be frustrated since you can't go any further and it's probably more likely to make him either dump you or cheat. Either loosen his leash or cut him loose because he's gotten a taste of the real thing, he's probably hungry for sex, he got fed by other women, and I guarantee he's not going to continue to starve just because you might give it to him in ten years once you get a ring on your finger. I'm thinking of that Country and Western song, "Keep your hands to yourself," I'm thinking that lady is going to end up losing this guy because he wants it and she's decided he can't have anything until she does get the ring on her finger. In your case it's worse because you're "making out," which releases some of the pressure but doesn't solve the problem. It's reminding him of all the things he's not getting from you that he used to get from a woman. |
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My latest Yahoo Answer by 12/12/2013, 6:00pm PST  Who is this guy? What's going on? NT by 12/12/2013, 6:21pm PST Romey, I ... I NT by 12/12/2013, 6:37pm PST Jonesy, please change the name of this forum by 12/12/2013, 10:55pm PST Can you follow that up with some diet advice as well? NT by 12/15/2013, 6:01am PST |
