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| Xenosaga 2 (FIRST DRAFT WOW) by Creexul :( 03/05/2005, 2:51am PST | ||||
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| I haven't played Xenosaga Episode 2: Jenseits von Gut und Bose. And I'm not going to, ever. If you want to play Xenosaga 2, after Xenogears and Xenosaga 1 have already been dumped on the world like so much toxic waste on that dude from Robocop, you are a fucking faggot.
You see, a long time ago, I played the demo for Xenogears on that crazy old Playstation 1. After about 2 hours, I got to the end, and thought, "you know, this game is pretty stupid." I told people this, and they crucified me like a pink chu chu creature on a cross, because how could I possibly know if the game is any good? I only played the demo. The full game has to be great, it's controversial, and has such a deep meaningful story with great characters. And in my lamest moment of weakness, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I didn't cease thinking that Xenogears could ever be good, but I would not come to a finally final conclusion until I had played the entire game from beginning to end. This proved to be a catastrophic blunder. I had played through all 80 mindnumbingly terrible hours of this objectively terrible game for pussies and faggots and came to the exact same scientific conclusion I did after playing the demo. Why did I need to play an extra 90% of the same game to find out the same thing? Was it because I was smarter than everyone else who told me I was an unsophisticated little pipsqueak, or prat or fob or whatever cultured-sounding British words someone wanted to use, who could not ever hope to appreciate the beautiful story of Xenogears with my tiny mind? Would history prove me to be right? Well, not to spoil the Movie of Life for everyone, but: yes and yes. Once upon a time in the fru fru fairy cloud world of some newsgroup I used to go to, I mentioned this thing about Xenogears not being good, after playing the demo. People announced that they were coming out of lurking because they were so upset that someone would insult a game without playing the whole thing. The last thing I remember, I was going to say what was wrong with the game. By the time I came to, the newsgroup of around 1,000 posts per day average was gone, people covered with ash cowered in corners (of the newsgroup...... on the internet), and there were was blood and chunks of raw flesh in my hair. People suddenly refused to speak my name. The people who were still left, that is. And someone........ someone had wiped their feet on everyone's dreams. Winner of the "Clive Clemmons' Inappropriate Response Channel's Inappropriate Blowjob on a Low-Rated Game" award goes to................? Xenosaga Episode II: Jenseits von Gut und Bose isn't wholly on par with the original, but it retains a rich narrative and a lot of soul. [JUST KIDDING -Gamespot ed] - Bethany Massimilla, on gamespot.com So the game sucks, but it has soul. How many points does having a lot of soul get a game? Apparently a whopping 7, because a game that is objectively not worth playing by any human beings (except retarded anime fans.............. in other words anime fans OH ZING) should be a 0 or 1. Of course, most unplayable shitty games usually get a score of at least 5 on Gamespot, and as we all should know by now, any existing Xenosaga/gears game, including the Xenosagas that have yet to be made, would be below a 5 (which would be a game so offensively bad that it assaults the player with terribleness that will take a normally content person and depress them). That's just based on the experience of playing them, of course, and not the apologistic attempt to not offend the drooling mongoloid armies of retarded frenzy creatures and possible bipolars who would never forgive anyone who interrupted their j-rock mp3 collecting with a negative review of a beautiful Japanese work of art like Xenosaga. That's the hidden score you won't see on Gamespot, but it's the biggest factor. In order to avoid endless swarms of angry, bloated cosplayers, the hidden "anime appeasement" score overrides everything from common sense to graphics to the embarrassment inherent in having to play Xenosaga even if it's for money. Sure, for a while you would sit there, groaning loudly at the godawful dialogue, voice acting, plot, and the sheer length of boring, unimportant cutscenes that either have no bearing on the story or the story itself has no point in being told and indeed does not improve on the experience of a blank screen. But then you go to afansview.com and look at about 100 pics, and imagine all those people running at you at once, faces caked in crumbs and drool, eyes bulging like Billy Joel jacking off, neck veins pulsating through the giant cakes of plaque in their arteries. How else could you write a review of a 1.5 score game, list why it sucks and no one should ever play it, and then inflate the score as close to 10 as humanly possible and try to come up with the only positive thing a human being could ever say about the worst shit ever. Any Gamespot reviewer who would make the mistake of giving a game based on some (stupid) anime (shit) would suffer the consequences of having the entire site destroyed........ by an angry "rant" on a fan's blog. And no one would want that, would they. |
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