Forum Overview :: NFL2K5

Tongue Thruster with an amazing catch! Touchdown San Francisco! by Bill Dungsroman 03/04/2005, 10:30pm PST A totally awesome website by fags, for fags who love sports recently posted all the things you can't put on an NFL replica jersey, which allows you to personalize any team jersey with any number and, well, almost any name or word. It's mostly meant for superfans who like a player who doesn't rate a jersey (for instance, you sure couldn't buy a Ben Roethlisberger jersey at the season's beginning), or a superSAD fan who wants his own name on a jersey. I've seen some Vikes fans with Anti-Favre printed on them. Well, the NFL doesn't dig on having anything associated with it that could potentially mar their amazing reputation as a provider of good, clean, wholesome family violence. See, they know their sport is the most violent American sport, and it's a silly cash cow that gets fed by all walks of life, including (and especially) the type that goes to church on Saturday in the fall and winter and prays in earnest for that motherfucker Brady to break his leg. The kind that approves of beer ads that show half-naked chicks wrestling and young couples in love fuck each over for a bottle of pisswater because no one can legally be shown drinking the stuff, but draws the line at promos featuring an over-the-hill blonde leaping naked into the arms of a muscular black man. So, the NFL distracts those hypocritical, easily distracted masses with proclomations of "Not in OUR league!" so no one ever notices that the players are beating each other senseless and reliably shortening their lifespans and marking the waning years of them in severe pain. But fuck them anyway, the rich assholes. But the fans or really, obnoxious sportswriters looking for a controversy, lay in wait for the NFL to fuck up, since they're so big on squashing anything remotely racy or offensive or being peripherally associated with it (back to those beer ads: notice none of the teams in them or any ad or film since Heaven's Gate are actual teams. The NFL prohibits this expressly). Anyway! Check those naughty words. So many of them are just awesome. Any with Thrust, also Sperm Herder, Slutwhore, Snatch Patch, Yellow Man, Virgin Breaker. Many are a little ridiculous. White Trash? You risk alienating your core audience, sir! I mean, really, even PWT? Whatever, it's not really that big of a deal. But, I simply love that these two words are banned: Tongue Gay Why? Let's ask starting SS Reggie Tongue of the New York Jets and Patriots CB Randall Gay, who played in the last Superbowl. Better yet, let's ask former player Marco Tongue, who had to buy his own replica jersey printed as M. Tongue, although his jersey never said that (that's only if more than one dude on the same team has the same last name). What else? Responding to the pressure this news has created, Gay is now allowed! Yay, Randall! And hey, even player names that aren't mistaken for naughty things are disallowed. Carruth refers to Ray Carruth, a former first-round draft pick for the Carolina Panthers who tried to hire some guys to kill his pregnant girlfriend. Also, Dre, presumably for Dr. Dre, and why that's disallowed I have no idea. Oh no, he occasionally raps about killing and drinking and smoking. Horrors. Anyway, it's just Dre that's disallowed, as if there weren't thousands of black dudes named Andre that probably wouldn't mind having, you know, their name on the jersey, since that's what it's partly for. Dan Patrick of ESPN says that a certain Mrs. Ho was ho-rrified to learn she could not get a jersey with her surname on it. My actual favorites, in case you're interested, are "kumquat," "K Mart," "Oui(?)" and the pinnacle of NFL hypocrisy, "I luv beer." And just let one guy buy and wear Porch Monkey to a game.

Tongue Thruster with an amazing catch! Touchdown San Francisco! by Bill Dungsroman 03/04/2005, 10:30pm PST