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| Camera up the ass! by Quétinbec 05/30/2010, 6:45am PDT | ||||
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| Today I went in for a colonoscopy, and it's all a big joke until your ass is lubed up on the table. Then you feel pretty foolish.
I started to worry quite early on. A nurse came to my hospital room and said, "Before we begin, you'll need to pass and call a nurse in to have a look. Don't flush. Press this button after you've passed." I said, "I've already been to the toilet, though." "DID YOU FLUSH?!" "Of course." "Then you'll have to pass again." After she left and I could hear her in corridor telling someone, "He passed, but he flushed." I ended up just throwing some toilet paper in the toilet and pretending to have shat. I'd been up shitting since 4am. I'd shat myself dry. They asked if I wanted to buy a DVD of the procedure for 1.5BD! I was like, "???....?!.........?..........................Yes..........Of course." I had to resign consent forms because they'd lost the others. The Filipino nurse trying to insert the IV fucked up and blood dribbled down my hand down to the side of my bed. Because of the bood, she wanted to change the sheet, but I was very comfortable in the bed so I told her I didn't mind. She insisted we change the sheets (probably to hide that she'd fucked the IV up from the Arab doctors who'd no doubt ask where all the blood came from). I asked her if they were knocking me out and she said "No, not completely. You'll just be dreamy - in and out of sleep... for your comfort." What's comfortable about being in and out of sleep? That's the worst possible state of consciousness! I'd rather see everything or nothing at all, but not wake up wondering where I am half a dozen times before realizing, "Oh yeah, in a Middle Eastern hospital with probes up my ass....STILL" The anesthetist was an Arab guy who was mean to the Filipino nurses who wheeled me in. When he first saw me he said, "Don't worry. Allah is with you." Not really the best time for Allah to show up but I said, "OK.". I found out that they weren't just sticking probes up my ass. They were also sticking them down my throat and into my stomach. He sprayed some foul tasting lube into my throat and they began drugging me. I couldn't see the monitor that displayed the feed from the probes because there were too many people in the way. I could only see an old monitor by their feet running Windows 98, so that's what I stared at. I don't remember much of the stomach probe because of the drugs. They rolled me over for the anal probe. From this new angle, I could see a monitor with a feed from the probe. By focusing on that, I was able to stay quite alert. I thought the probe was just a camera, but after about 10 minutes they'd found a lump and then a hand extended from the probe with a knife on it! They started stabbing the area around this thing with the probe's knife. It bled but it didn't hurt. It was a weird thing to watch. It looked like a FPS. Then another arm came out of the probe with a steel lasso. What the hell else is this thing carrying? It took them a long time to get the lasso over the lump, but the lasso must have been electrified because within a split second, the red, wet, veiny looking lump went brown like cooked chicken. I remember at one point being sure I had to shit. I thought I'd already shat but it's hard to tell because you've got all this stuff up your ass. If I'd already shat, then there'd be no shame in me shitting again, but if I hadn't, then I thought I'd better warn the doctor, so I think I said something like, "I need to poo." He said something back to me, but I couldn't hear him properly, and I didn't want to repeat myself, so I tried not to shit. I'm not sure if I was successful. Guess I'll have to check the DVD. |
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Camera up the ass! by 05/30/2010, 6:45am PDT  Re: Camera up the ass! by 05/31/2010, 5:50pm PDT Re: Camera up the ass! by 06/01/2010, 12:28am PDT |
