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| I just had my heart broken in a very expensive, embarrassing, and public way by Quétinbec 05/15/2010, 11:34am PDT | ||||
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So I flew accross the world to be with a girl for a Taiwanese girl for a week.
I met her Father. He disapproved of me. 
There are only two countries in the world that don't have any snakes. New Zealand and Ireland. In Taiwan, I ate snake and drank snake's blood. I thought it would be a cool and impressive thing to do. It was supposed to happen with just her and a couple of her friends, but her Father found out and said he knew the snake master and thought $US100 was way too much for a snake the size we were going to be killing. He insisted on coming. He brought his wife, who called a couple of her friends, so what should have been a fun little dinner ended up being a fucking spectacle. So, no one's speaking English. The snake master pulls the snake out of the cage wearing only an oven mit for protection. He's supposed to hand the snake to me to wear accross my neck for a photo. Becuase it's illegal, I'd been told I wasn't allowed to take photos of them with the snakes but fuck that! I was paying $100, so I decided to play the dumb tourist and photograph anyway. So I snap the guy as he's pulling the snake out of the cage; the flash goes off and he said the snake freaked out. The snake seemed fine to me but at the time, people were screaming at me to put away my camera so I was a bit distracted. With the snake 'freaked out', rather than hand it to me, the snake merchant smashed the snake's head a couple of times against the floor to pacify it or knock it unconscious or something. He whipped it against the floor like a rope. The snake wasn't really moving much after that. I didn't really want to hold a dazed snake though, because if it came to its senses, it would probably be really fucked off, and also, why get affectionate with a creature you're going to be killing in a couple of minutes? For one awkward photo opportunity? So, the snake master just stood there with a dazed snake in his hand and I told Claire to tell him to just kill it. So a woman came and started smashing the snake's head some more. Why not just cut the head off? After that, they said I could take photos so long as I didn't get any of their faces in the shot. They drained the snakes blood and bladder in a cup for me to drink. Then they skinned it. The snakes skinned body continued to move after death. Whenever you touched it, it would squirm about. It was freaky as shit. When they were cutting it up, one woman cut, while the other held the wriggling corpse. 
So, then it came time to eat all this shit. They circled around me and one of her Father's asshole friends said that I was a show off and that if I wanted to marry Claire, I had to eat ALL the snake and drink ALL its blood. Everyone laughed and stood around to see if I could do it. Fuck those assholes. I didn't invite any of them and they turned it into a big, awkward marriage initiation ritual. I had to follow through, though. I would have been fucked if it weren't for an LCD Engineer at BenQ who stopped by. While everyone else just stood around making fun of me, he helped me out and ate half a plate and a good portion of the snake's blood and piss. Snake meat tastes like Chicken, BTW. Snake piss just tastes like piss, though. :( That was all just a bit humiliating, though. It wasn't until two nights ago that I got my heart broken. Claire had caught another urinary tract infection and she blamed me. Fair enough. I'd been tested for that shit, but she caught one in Oman after fucking me unprotected and she caught one again after I arrived in Taiwan so the evidence was pretty damning. It was our last night and she was going on about all the things that were ugly about me. She went on for a couple of hours. It hurt me. I was in a bad mood so I went to bed. I wanted her to hug me to make me feel better. She didn't think it was her place to hug me. She said I was a man and should be able to cheer myself up. She called me a little bitch and asked if I wanted her to buy me chocolates and flowers (like a little bitch). She had been paying for everything and she made me feel like shit. This also went on throughout the next day. I apologized but she didn't accept it. She said if I wanted her to calm down, all I had to do was hug her, but I didn't want to because she was acting like such a cold bitch. We weren't talking so we decided to go to a Thai restuarant to kill time before I had to leave for the airprot. I filled the table with food. Maybe 15 dishes. I was upset and felt like wasting money. I was hungry, but I didn't feel like eating. I felt sick. She said if I didn't feel like eating, then why were we there. She told me to fuck off. She wrote me the location of the hotel on a piece of paper, handed it to me, and told me to go. I took the paper, threw a few hundred dollars on the table, and left. She threw the few hundred dollars back at me. I don't know what happened to that money because she walked off then too. I didn't pick it up. I gave the note to a taxi driver out front. He understood and told me to get in, but I couldn't. She had paid for everything up until now and I felt I had to hug her and thank her. I told the driver to wait and headed back to the restaurant. Claire was standing outside waiting for her own taxi. It was a very busy street and as I walked toward her, I started to cry(!). 
[That's not the exact street but you get the idea] I grabbed her and pushed my face into her hair so people couldn't see my tears. BUT(!!!) she kept her arms crossed. She wasn't having it. So, I said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. I'm sorry." with my face in her hair and my arms very awkwardly around her in the middle of a busy street crying into her hair. Then I turned and walked fast back to the taxi. I didn't want to see her reaction or all the people who were looking at me. She followed me into the taxi, though. I hadn't expected that. I really didn't have anything more to say to her, so we spent an awkward 5 minutes in the taxi saying nothing. The last thing she said to me as she got out of the taxi was, "Try to be a man. It will make you feel better. I'm leaving now. Goodbye." I didn't say anything and it was the last time I saw her. I went to the airport. Got pulled aside at customs in HK for being a potential terrorist (I have a beard and long hair in my passport photo, have Syrian, Saudi, Cambodian, Indonesian, Omani etc stamps and get routinely raped at airports for being the next shoe bomber). Anyway, now I'm home sweet home in the peaceful Middle East. What a perfect place to gather my thoughts and relax. |
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