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| Maybe it wasn't finished. :( I FEEL LIKE REDRAFTING IT there now it's done. by Jhoh Creexul (custom software) 03/03/2010, 3:49am PST | ||||
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| It is the early 1990s, AND YOU ARE THERE. GO! Comic books have grown up from things you read with colors and explosions and guys with giant muscles. Now they are collectors items where you hunt for comic books that premiere with a first issue, get every one of the 5 collectors covers, then vacuum seal them in a plastic case and put into a crate under your bed, never to be touched ever again (definitely not to be read, because most of them suck ass). No one knows what has happened to all those preserved comics. And by "no one knows" I mean "I don't know."
But hey that's not really what this is about. I just typed all that stuff out for no reason. What we are really talking about is the mid to late 90s, when music was just about to die with limp bizkit and korn being played on the radio and MTV because people actually liked that shit, killing music forever. Comic books were turning into fucking aggravating annoying cocktease cunt borderline alisa's sexy non nude teasing fun constant half naked girls with big fat fuckin tits that were filled with helium or something because nothing could stop them from sticking straight out and trying to fly up into the fuckin air. How all this started will never ever be known, ever. I think that Warrinis Ellinsis guy was involved or whoever did Gen 13. But none can say. However, for a few years around the dead end of the 1990s, every comic (no exceptions) was just a test of how many big fat fuckin titted chicks and perfectly defined asscracks in skintight outfits could be put into one comic while they attempt to get them as almost totally nude as possible, but not actually nude, and not enough to make the comics actually worth buying, all while having some of the most godawful stories ever put on actual real life paper. Most comix were ridiculous fight scenes while characters have GERMANIC (that is wikipedo for "long") speeches about the current status of their paour lavols ("my power level is currently over 9,000, but if I continue to fight this very strong enemy for much longer it will drop"). Comic book writing is equal to fanfics, especially the dialog which was just a bunch of characters stating the obvious either out loud or in a thought bubble, which became fancy BOXES in the more modern serious business stern adjusting monocle comic books where things were supposed to be more serious and have serious dark undertone shit, as you can see when any character flies through the air and thinks "I hope I get there in time" in a dialog box colored in with dark orange instead of a thought bubble cloud with the fluffy edges. When a comic book writer wants to add depth to some exposition, they add an adjective or two. Or three. Or 10. Sort of like when fanfic writers want to describe the hardness of their LUPINE cocks or whatever. List o Comix: Gen 13: I don't remember what this was about. Was it about something? I think a gang of hot ass bitches go around solving crime fighting fuckin mystery adventures. Spawn: This was a groundbreaking comic book. NOTE THAT I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS GOOD. But it was supposed to be deep because the guy had amnesia!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he was recruited by SATAN to be a general of his army to destroy the universe or something, but I think Spawn ends up like not doing that (nice going there Satan), and then he becomes a series of collectible action figures, and the comic ends with Spawn becoming a series of action figures for fuckin Metal Gear Solid 3 and Pirates of the Carribean and other popular movies, TV shows, or vidya games, available at any local Hot Topic or Gamestop. So instead of the writing level being that of a fanfic, it was more like a Japanese RPG (which is not much better). Also there was a movie that came out for it which was cool at the time but it turns out it was fuckin stupid which is readily evident to anyone on the planet once you see they add a plucky homeless kid who befriends Spawn after he comes back from hayull. Also Martin Sheen ends his career as an evil bad guy and sinks to the level of his brother Joe Estavez. Oh yeah and Martin Sheen's evil sidekick lady has a fuckin hairstyle that is so fuckin 90s, you look at it and you're like wow that's something that didn't make it past the year 2000. Psh even. The Tenth: This was the story of Espy somethingdy something who is a young teenage girl(!!!!!!!!!!) with mysterious magic powers(!!!!!!!!!) which constantly tear her clothes off when she uses them(!!!!!!!!). There is some hilaaaaarious backstory of her being fursecuted as a young TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN for having magic powers (in a dramatic scene where some other hot fine underage ladies egg her, and in the next panel it looks like she was drenched with fuckin jizz) and it was so traumatic to her that she blew up her house and killed her parents with an explosion of magic fuckin green fireball shit, which is sort of awesome. I suspect that part was written in because most people who read comic books can relate to that kind of stuff, being made fun of in high school and wanting to kill your parents. Oh yeah also Espy had some big fat fuckin dick suckin lips. And I think the comics also had some giant monster people who were fighting each other, while fills up half the comic and is boring, usually stuff about how an evil bad guy is some kind of mastermind, and some other bad guys are evil and want to become powerful, and the good guys try to stop them. Most of the evil bad guys look like demons from Spawn. Dorkchoyld: A young teenage girl with mysterious magic powers that tears her clothes off when she uses them. The difference with this is that the hot babe is engaging in dork thided thtuff, such as gorgyles and sly kicks. The artist who drew this shit made everyone's faces look really creepy, and not in an intentional artistic expression fuckin whatever sort of way, but more of a Zelda CDI creepy sort of way. Instead of nudity and super harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd giant spearing fuckin super diamond hard nipples being covered up by shreds of t-shirts, they are just obscured in a shadow (usually the shadow of her own gigantic fuckin tits). Witchblade: A young teenage girl with mysterious magic powers that tears her clothes off when she uses them. I think she got a TV show or something. Or an anime. And it fucking blew. X-Men: The bitches in this always had TOYYYYYYYYYT outfits. I dunno, did this have an influence on comics? Wait, who cares. Danger Girl: Gen 13 but with some other fine ass piece of bitch. It featured the adventures of some tits as they jump around and I guess shoot people. That fuckin guy who drew Kkkaptunt America with big tits: I mean, Rob LIEfeld. BIGGEST FATTEST TITS IN COMICS, AND THEY WERE ON DUUUUUUUDES. Usually people say he's the worst artist in comic books, but it seems like the real problem is that he represents most comic book art period, which is really ridiculous and malformed with fuckin shit all over the place. This guy was actually a fuckin famous popular artist, and he was awful, he could barely draw, and his writing was some of the worst in the history of fanfiction, AND HE MADE MONEY FROM WRITING COMIC BOOKS. I dunno, someone who actually read comic books at the time is going to have remind me of more comics than we just listed, I didn't really read any, and all we bought was I think 2 issues of The Tenth just for that chick's fuckin ASS and legs that go up all the way you know what I'm sayin know what I mean. Clearly all of these comics want to be straight up pornography tied together with a sort of floppy story about using super paours to fight the fuck out of some evil, and babes being kicked into walls and shit by fuckin monsters that are as big as a house. However, when you read fuckin ning bong Japanese porn comics, instead of things like that it is just high school girl meets guy and sucks his dick, or she gets surprised sexed by a couple guys or a teacher or something, and it is laid out in the most plain boring way possible, especially after the 50,000th time. Eventually you might see some porn comic where a hot girl with strange mysterious magic powers tries to better understand her gift in between getting her ass fuckin jackhammered by gigantic cocks and she gets cumgut and stuff. But I guess only someone who is CREATIVE would think of something like that (hint: me/us). [IT JUST NEEDS SCREENSHOTS I MEAN PICTURES THAT ARE PROBABLY ILLEGAL TO POST I will use my drawing skills to simply recreate these comics don't worry I'll get right on this.] |
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