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| The Top Ten are fucking awful. by Bill Dungsroman 01/27/2005, 12:30pm PST | ||||
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| 10. Halle Berry. Halle Berry was hot back when she was black. I remember her back in "Queenie" (the ad for it, anyway), when she had softer, rounder features. She hasn't been hot since Monster's Ball, and even then you had to leverage her against that old, skanky fucker Billy Bob, who seriously tanks a girl's hotness (see #9). She's easily the least hottest X-Man, even though Famke Janssen is pushing 40 (it seems) and Anna Paquin looks mildly retarded. And her acting is clearly the worst. Acting chops and film roles shouldn't expressly tank an actress' hotness, but Berry manages to do so with ease. I guess it really started with her in Swordfish, and the unnecessarily big deal made about her showing her tits. Who fucking cares?
9. Angelina Jolie. I will never, ever get the attraction for this broad. Two words, pal: FISH FUCKING LIPS. And if simply having a love scene with BBT mars your hotness, actually being with and fucking him obliterates it. I dry-heave whenever I see that Red Carpet bit where they lick each other's faces and giddily intimate that they fucked in the car on the way over. Does every single young Hollywood actress have a Daddy Complex? Good God. She was okay in Gia, though, but that's it. Contrary to Hollywood convention, her mere presence in a film turns me off from seeing it. 8. Beyonce Knowles. Beyonce is pretty hot. She gets a pass, but she's got some thick legs and she's banging the terminally-ugly Jay-Z. Seriously, Jay looks like he's got Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Really hot chicks fucking ugly guys doesn't do it for me like it does legions of desperate ugly nerds, because it makes them Feel Like They Have a Chance. It just confirms my belief that hot chicks are stupid and weird and prefer to fuck famous super-rich dudes. It's not like Beyonce is going to walk into a bar and see a dopey-looking brother like Jay (if he wasn't Jay) and be on his nuts. I'm guessing Big Pimpin' wasn't dedicated to her. 7. Elsa Benitez. Who is this whore? I've never heard of her. Half the point of this stupid list is how famous these women are. She did a mildly-lesbian pic for Dolce and Gabbana, I see. Who fucking cares? I've watched way cuter, hotter chicks get ass-rammed with a 12-inch dildo by an equally hot little muffin. I've never heard of those girls either, but I'd rate any of then higher than this one. 6. Brooke Burke. She's pretty hot, I agree. I jerked off to her spread in Playboy. But like a lot of superhot chicks, she was a lot hotter when she wasn't famous and overproduced (Gerri Halliwell nee Ginger Spice is a perfect example of this). She gets less hot as the years go on. She's in the top 25, but I don't know about 10. 5. Heide Klum. Are you fucking joking? Grant you, she at least has approaching-normal female curves, moreso than most supermodels, but I guess I have a problem in that I typically subtract hotness from any women once she starts being called a supermodel, one of the single most obnoxious terms in modern society. Am I wrong, or did Seal just propose to her on an iceberg? Oh, God. I hate her accent, too. 4. Josie Maran. Oh, so that's the name of the girl I've been calling The Cute Maybelline Girl With the Small Teeth. Actually, she's pretty hot, but there's a Victoria's Secret girl, who I call Blue-Eyed Brunette Pouty Girl who annihilates Josie for the title of Hottest TV Model Whose Name I Don't Know. 3. Charlize Theron. Come on. Number 3? Really, now. Charlize is cute and all, and she was great in Monster (which, unfortunately, seriously nuked her hotness. Hot chicks must ALWAYS be hot! This is fantasy, people). But she's no #3. #30, perhaps. 2. Monica Bellucci. Time was, I would have easily gone along with Monica (as a Top Tenner, dunno about #2). Through the magic of Hollywood, she gets hotter the dirtier she gets in Tears of the Sun. But she just bugged me in The Matrix sequels. Plus, sometimes she looks like Shannon Dougherty run through a Wop Machine, which is bothersome. 1. Adriana Lima. Oh, is this the girl I mentioned in #4? I can't tell from the shitty pics on that site. Google confirms it. I will, for the most part, agree with this choice! I just hope I never accidentally hear her speak in some chicken-pickin' Brazilian accent. Although, I wonder who placed first in that Ford Supermodel of the WORRRRRRRLD! contest that she came second in. But, I guess she was only 13 at the time. |
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