Caltrops - The Zionist Media Conspiracy - Lord of the Rings: Return of the King EE counter-review

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by FABIO 01/19/2005, 6:40pm PST

If you're planning on picking this up with the expectations that the theaterical release was butchered and the uncut version will make it much more complete, don't.

There wasn't a single new scene I saw where I asked, "why did they cut that?" Rather than some claims that the new footage corrects old scenes that seem to suddenly end or go nowhere, I'd say that the new scenes themselves suddenly end or go nowhere. Almost all the of the new scenes are needless talking, awkward dialogue, or some pointless subplot. After viewing the EE, I'd give the editors a B+ for cutting away all this chaff, but not going all the way and cutting out all the Liv Tyler dream sequences along with the opening Smeagol bit.

There are probably 2 or 3 reasons that people want to see the uncut version: confrontration with Saruman, Gandalf vs Witch King, and maybe the mouth of sauron.

Confrontation with Saruman: Everyone was pissed that this was left totally unresolved in the theatrical release, but now that I've seen it I almost prefer it that way. You were probably expecting some kick ass wizard duel with an enraged, cornered, and dangerous Saruman, right? Wrong.

First, let's get past the fact that the fellowship should have no idea that the ents took out Isengarde so riding there with just them and Theoden is a dumb idea since for all they know there's still an army there.

The confrontation is just Saruman stranded on the top of the tower. Him and the fellowship trade petty and childish insults for what seems like forever. Theoden gets visibly unnerved by lame jabs which weakens one of the two only compelling characters in entire trilogy (him and Eyowen, but don't worry they ruin her too). After all this talking (and talking), the "duel" is nothing more than Saruman flinging a fireball at Gandalf, which he absorbs. Then Wormtongue has his feelings hurt by Saruman, so he stabs him. Saruman falls into the water below, and the scene continues as it was in the theaters. Lame.

Witch King: First off they picked a horrible point to insert this scene into. You'd expect it would happen during some climatic moment during a pitched battle on Gondor's walls in front of everyone for maximum demoralizing factor, right? Wrong. Pippen tells Gandalf they're burning Faramir alive, and they just bump into the Witch King in an empty corner on the way to the citadel. The "duel" is the witch king's brandishing his flaming sword and Gandalf's staff shattering suddenly. Then Rohan arrives and the witch king flies off. Lame.

Mouth of Sauron: This may have been the least awful of the new scenes, but still not good or necessary enough that it couldn't have been left out. Some grinning thing with disgusting teeth comes out the black gate and wheezes out his lines so you can only make out half of what he's saying. Gandalf demands that Sauron disband and leave peacefully(???), the mouth throws Frodo's vest at them, then Aragorn chops his head off. Yay.

Here are all the other changes that I noticed. Some fanboy may have noticed an extra shot or two of some orc, but here's the big stuff.

Eyowen: God did they ruin her. Instead of the thing between her and Aragorn being presented as some passing interest that wasn't meant to be, it's now really played up that they're going to end up together. This is mostly done by her acting clingy and Aragorn feeling more pity for her; way to make her the strong woman. They then turn her into a desperate whore that rubs up against any man she comes across through the "romance" with Faramir. You get one quick scene of Faramir staring at her (in the pointless house of healing scene, where Aragorn nurses her back to health which makes it seem even more like they'll end up together), then suddenly two scenes later they're talking about the weather on top of Minis Tirinth and she nuzzles up against him, that desperate clingy whore. Faramir was never exactly a compelling character, but still the third best in the trilogy after (the now ruined) Theoden and Eyowen. Now he's the second choice "nice guy" that the girl settles for after the jerk rejects her.

There's also some scene with the rohan riders right before they reach Gondor with Merry giving her some inspirational pep talk. This scene is cut-worthy since one, it deflates the moment when they finally show up at Minis Tirinth, and two, the whole thing is retarded because Eyowen has her helmet off in the middle of camp with her long, flowing, womanly hair hanging down, within plain sight of Theoden no less. Wasn't she supposed to be disguised? Theoden then acts surprised later during Pelonor Fields when he sees her.

Wacky Gimli: Seems like they had initially planned on using the dwarf as more painful comedy relief, but the negative reaction from the two towers caused them to cut this. At the Rohan celebration you get a painful scene of him challenging Legolas to a drinking contest. Orlando Bloom shows us a glimpse of his acting that he'd later go on to demonstrate in Pirates of the Carribean.

Later on when the fellowship is walking through the halls of the dead, they get attacked by cheesy special effects. Spectral mist hands come out of the ground to grope them and they pretend to try and brush off special effects that will be added later. There's a 40 second closeup of Gimli HI-lariously trying to blow on the hands to scatter the mist away. Forty straight seconds. It's even longer than it sounds. Right after that we get him carefully walking across a mound of skulls and wincing with every step. This is all done in another continuous closeup that lasts about the same amount of time. Again, it's even longer than it sounds.

Army of the Dead: When Aragorn offers to release them, they now disappear back into the wall and the entire cave starts crumbling. Well, not the cave itself, but skulls start pouring out of the walls threatenting to bury them alive. What's supposed to be a harrowing escape becomes ludicrous as ten of thousands of skulls literally start flooding the place in a scene that even Indiana Jones wouldn't think up in it's silliest moments.

Corsairs: This scene makes a little sense, since in the theaterical version you had no idea how Aragorn got those ships. The scene is still painful though. They escape from the dead caves where they see the ships on the river and for some reason this causes Aragorn to almost break out crying and Legolas has to comfort them. Then there's more wacky Gilmi/Legolas humor and when they challenge the corsairs we get the old line "You and what army?" "This army! as the ghosts burst out. Is this another cliche that LotR did first?

Frodo and Sam conscripted into Mordor's armies: This scene I thought the friggin cartoon did better. Here they get forced into a line, get stopped for inspection and the faroff giant orc/troll sergeant seems to see through their disguise and heads over. Sam and Frodo start a mock fight with each other that never spreads to the other orcs and keeps them as the center of attention, yet somehow they're still able to sneak away before the sergeant comes over. In the cartoon their line of orcs bumped into a column of evil men who insisted that they be allowed to first through an intersection. Sam and Frodo manage to instigate a fight between the groups and they slip away in the confusion.

Oslgiliath: A quick intro showing the Gondor soldiers camping out at night when they're alerted by a sentry getting shot by an arrow from the orcs crossing the river. The only thing this scene does is clarify why we should care when that mortally wounded old ranger is finished off by tumor orc, because apparently he's Faramir's mentor and right hand man. I actually prefer the way the theaterical version presented this scene. The gondor troops and rangers getting into position right into the scene made it seem like they were more pressed, on-edge, and that them being forced out of Osgilith more of a matter of them being finally worn down. The version makes it look like they were relaxed when some sneak attack that wasn't sneaky hit them, and that the sneak attack didn't matter because thousands of orcs poured across a bridge anyways.

Some scene of Aragorn taunting Sauron through Saruman's crystal ball. Apparently it's so he'll take the bait and be distracted at the black gate. Whatever. Useless scene.

One or two extra shots of Rohirim firing arrows at elephants. A couple extra shots of Eyowen fighting orcs and tumor orc on foot. A stupid bit with Merry taking on and slaughtering a dozen orcs and arab guys. Eyowen crawling along crippled after killing the witch king with a crippled tumor orc crawling after her. Aragorn arrives to chop his arm of in time to save her, further weakening Eyowen's character and making it look like they'll get together.

I have no clue what Mischief Maker was talking about more gorey deaths. Chopping off tumor orc's arm is as visceral as it gets. Everything else is virtually unchanged in the battle scenes. The goriest mooment in the whole trilogy remains Frodo getting his finger bitten off.

Not worth getting if you're just curious about the additional footage; they're all pretty much dead weight at best and drags at worst. If you have to digest every single bit about the behind the scenes stuff then I guess you'll love it. If this is by far the best of the extended versions then I'd stay clear of the others.