Caltrops - Troll Police





	[quote name="Creexuls, a monster >:3"]Because for reasons that I'm sure not even the faggot who does Dresden Codak knows, AFTER THE CRAZY TRANSHUMANISM EXPLOSIONS AND SHIT, Kimoko "Thunderjugs" <b>Hoot</b>enanny is still alive. This is so bad, I don't want to say it because it should not be possible by anyone who isn't fully Japanese (anime is like the mafia, you can't be even half non-Japanese), but this is easily as bad as anime. POSSIBLE NEW SPLASH SCREEN: Troll Police version/parody of this: <img src="http://www.thejhohcableshow.com/pix/lj/trolldanger.jpg"> PAGE 41: [AT THE BLOG'S ISP] CARUSO AS TROLL: Hey ISP, you suck! ISP COP 1: A troll! Open fire! [ISP COPS SHOOT AT CARUSO AS HE RUNS THROUGH WINDOWS OR SOME SHIT I DUNNO, ADVENTURE ESCAPE, HE SWINGS ON A ROPE OUT OF A WINDOW AS BULLETS FLY ALL OVER] [CARUSO'S MASK BEGINS TO SMOKE AND/OR BUBBLE LIKE IN DARKMAN] CARUSO: My beautiful face! OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD (ETC) [A FEW MINUTES LATER, CARUSO HIDING IN AN ALLEY OR BEHIND A DUMPSTER OR BACK AT A SAFEHOUSE I DUNNO, RIPS HIS MASK OFF AND HIS FACE RIPS OFF AND HE IS ALSO MUCH MORE LIKE DARKMAN WITH NO LIPS AND ALL THAT SHIT] CARUSO: Oops! PAGE 42: ISP TECH: We are running a fancy computer algorythm search on the cyber "dot" identity (cyber.identity) of that troll, using our COMPUTERS! [COMPUTER SCREEN SHOWS IMAGE ZOOMING] ISP MANAGER: Enhance grid 5039 with full spectral image enhancement, and rotate phase modulation to keep the borg guessing! [COMPUTER BLOOPS AND BLEEPS WITH FUCKIN PURPLE TEXT FLYING OUT ALL OVER THE FUCKIN PLACE, AND BLORPY COMPUTER SOUNDS, MAYBE JUST "BLORPY COMPUTER SOUNDS"] ISP TECH: I will use dynamic quantum service enhanced bump mapping to make this lower resolution picture magically have smaller pixels! [COMPUTER SHOWS ZOOMED PERFECTLY CLEAR PICTURE OF SOLO MAN, WITH ANOTHER PICTURE TO THE SIDE SHOWING SOLO MAN'S IDENTIFICATION PHOTO, LOTS OF BLEEP AND BLORP SOUND EFFECTS FLYING OUT] ISP COP 2: We have identified that troll, it was Solo Man! ISP MANAGER: The internet blogger! We have him hosted on our own internet service provision servers! PAGE 43: [AT THE TROLL BLOG] SOLO MAN [YELLING AT SOME LACKEY]: I don't care how dark it is in doors, I'm not taking off my sunglasses, JERK. [ISP COPS BUST IN THE FRONT DOOR]: Freeze motherfuckers, you are going down for crimes of trolling! A TROLL: Protect and serve? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. SOLO MAN [CHOO KOOKING A GUN]: We will bury you! [BIG TEXT THAT SAYS "INTERNET FLAMEWAR" AS ISP COPS AND TROLLS SHOOT FIREBALLS FROM THEIR HEADS AT EACH OTHER] SOME TROLL: SAY HELLO TO THE DEVIL FOR ME ISP cop: PABLO KILL THEM, KIIIIIIIIIIIIILL THEEEEEEEEM [PREVIOUS PANEL BEING VIEWED ON A COMPUTER SCREEN WITH CARUSO WATCHING] [CARUSO WEARING GIANT "JUST AS PRANNED" HEADPHONES]: Just as purandu.* [BOTTOM OF THIS PANEL SHOULD SAY <u>*Translator's note: If you don't know Japanese you don't DESERVE to know what this means. >:(</u>] PAGE 44: [DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE AND BLOOD, DEAD TROLLS AND DEAD ISP PEOPLE] ISP cop: We lost a lot of good men here but we finally took revenge for trolling. [CLOUDS PART AND SUN SHINES ON WEBCOMIC CITY, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, MAYBE THERE'S A RAINBOW, MAYBE A BUNCH OF FUCKIN GAY ASS HEARTS FLYING AROUND THROUGH THE AIR WHILE WE'RE AT IT, also maybe some guy watching from on top of a building saying IT'S BEAUUUUUTIFUL] page 45: (PANEL 1) MEWLY [BACK OF HER HAND TO HER FOREHEAD]: Oh, I am so fatigued! I have just learned from a magical doctor that I have Blurfden's disease! (PANEL 2) WEBCOMIC ARTIST [READING FROM A CLIPBOARD]: Ah yes, that is the one that can only be cured by rape. MEWLY: Yes, and it may be fatal! I don't know what to do. (PANEL 3) WEBCOMIC ARTIST: This goes against my very strong "don't rape anyone" principles, but I will do it just this one time to save your life, because you are such a good friend to me! (PANEL 4) MEWLY [GOING o_O]: Wait, what? (PANEL 5) [WEBCOMIC ARTIST HOLDING MEWLY DOWN TO THE GROUND BY HER ARMS]: I am doing this to save you, it don't worry it will be okay, I will make sure that I satisfy you sexually in every way imaginable and give you pleasure 10 times greater than any normal man could give you! MEWLY: Wait no, don't do this! (PANEL 6) [WEBCOMIC ARTIST THRUSTS HIS 15 INCH COCK INTO HER SO SHE LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKIN MAHOU SHOUJO AI OR TYPE 90 FUCKIN THING THAT IS SICK AND REWNG BUT YET STRANGELY HOT] WEBCOMIC ARTIST: HUUUUUUU YOUR SWEET HONEY POT IS SO TIGHT! MEWLY: OH GOD IT'S KILLING ME BUT I LOVE IT HFNGHFNHGNF SHIIIIIIIIT (PANEL 7) [MEWLY'S STOMACH EXPANDS LIKE A FUCKIN HOPPITY HOP AS SHE GETS A PRETTY SERIOUS CASE OF CUMGUT, THICK STREAMS OF JIZZ EXPLODE OUT OF HER FIRM BUT YIELDING WOMAN PETALS AND SPRAY UP HER ASSCRACK AND GET IN HER HAIR AND EVERYTHING. THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT WHATEVER MADE UP HRRRRRRNGHFHG GROANING SOUNDS AND SPLRHSRL GLORCH, ACTUALLY WEBCOMIC ARTIST SHOULD SAY "OH SHIT YOUR FACE, SHIT SHIT SHIIIIIIIIIITUHH NUUUUUUT"] (PANEL 8) [BIG WHITE GOOEY MESS OF SEMEN LAYING ON THE GROUND, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKIN SEE ANY SKIN IT SHOULD JUST ALL BE CUM] MEWLY: Oh god I've never been so satisfied in my life, I instantly forgive you and love you. WEBCOMIC ARTIST: Also you are instantly pregnant. PAGE 46: CARUSO: Looks like my work is done here. It is time for me to return to meatspace. FUCKIN WIZARD GUY [HE AND CARUSO SIT ON A FLYING CARPET]: Squadala, we are off. [THEY ZAP INTO THE SKY, SUPPOSEDLY TELEPORTING BACK TO THE REAL WORLD, MAYBE WITH A "FWEESH" SOUND EFFECT] PAGE 47: CARUSO: Well we stopped the trolls. CHIEF: Good job! Let us eat cake. [THE END........?] [SOME BLANK SPACE, BUT NOT TOO BIG] CHIEF: Wait, you are getting an emergency message from the internet! CARUSO: It is from Mewly! CHIEF: This time we will do it together. CARUSO: I was about to say that. CHIEF: You won't get away this time..... <b>Dooku</b>. CARUSO: My paours have doubled since the last time we met COUNT. CHIEF: No wait, we're just supposed to jump into the internet. [CARUSO AND CHIEF JUMP INTO THE INTERNET] PAGE 48: CARUSO: Mewly darling, you look as ravishing as ever! MEWLY: Oh Caruso chaaaaaan, you are so kind and sweet and cute and funny and cute and cute and CHIEF: Okay, why did you alert us? MEWLY: Now that the world of webcomics world is finally free from strife and toil of fighting trolls, we are entering a new age of evolution! CARUSO: It is beautiful! [LOOKING OUT TO THE SKY AT WHATEVER, PROBABLY NOTHING] CHIEF: I don't see anything. MEWLY: The untrained plebeian eye cannot hope to see the wonderous changes around us. [PUFFS OAK PIPE, WHILE CHIEF HAS AN UNHAPPY FAEC] XKCD GUY: She is right, anyone in the world of webcomics can find love. Meet my girlfriend. [HE GESTURES TO AN EMPTY SPACE NEXT TO HIM] [SILENT PANEL, EVERYONE JUST STARES AT THE EMPTY SPACE NEXT TO HIM] [NEXT PANEL] XKCD GUY: She is spinning around in a circle right now to try to slow the rotation of the earth to spend more time... with me! [NEXT PANEL] MEWLY: ..............Yeah that's neat, SO ANYWAY. PAGE 49: MEWLY: Ever since Webcomic Artist died, I've been single. And I'm....... ovulating. [SHE WINKS TEE HEE] CARUSO: BLUH DUH [STARING AT HER AWESOME FAT TITS, NOSE BUREEDU] MEWLY: Join me Caruso, and we can form this new world to our wills! HUUUUUUUUUU [FLEXING HER SUDDENLY FREAKISHLY HUGE MUSCLES, ALSO HER TITS GET BIGGER] CARUSO [TO CHIEF]: Chief, perhaps it is time to turn my badge in for the last time. CHIEF: Caruso do you know what you say? HAVE MY EARS GONE INSANE? CARUSO: I am in love, don't you see? I am going to stay in the internet forever! CHIEF: Caruso, you can't, you are a troll cop. You swore an oath to uphold troll laws. CARUSO: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE ;-; PAGE 50: MEWLY: Don't listen to him Caruso, he is just trying to make your mind not understand the love that you see around us in our eyes and hearts. CARUSO: Though he is my friend, mayhaps you be right fair maiden. CHIEF: Can't you see, she is just trying to control you? CARUSO: No, she loves me! CHIEF: Only a troll deals in absolutes. CARUSO: I will be part of something greater that you could never understand! CHIEF [HAND ON CARUSO'S SHOULDER, TENDERLY]: Caruso, I'm sorry but... it's not real. She is just a webcomic. CARUSO: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [PHASER COMPRESSION RIFLE THROUGH DISPLAY CASE OF FEDERATION SHIPS? MAYBE NOT, I ALREADY DID THAT TWICE] PAGE 51: CARUSO: Oh god you are right chief, what did I almost do? I am instantly reconvinced, I can't delusionally live in a world that isn't real. Unless I was a World of Warcraft fan. CHIEF: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I mean, yes. MEWLY: Caruso chaaaaaaaaan..... don't you love me? ;-; CARUSO: I'm sorry, but my friend is right, it isn't real. MEWLY [HER EYES GO RED]: THEN YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS LAND PAGE 52: [MEWLY TRANSFORMS AND HER CLOTHES ARE TORN OFF BY GROWING, MACRO FETISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, BUT IN THE NEXT PANELS SHE REGROWS NEW CLOTHES ANYWAY] MEWLY: I WILL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR MORTAL MINDS COULD IMAGINE RUUUU [SHE FLOATS A LITTLE AS SHE GROWS] CHIEF [LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO THE "CAMERA"]: Women are evil. PAGE 53: [CARUSO AND CHIEF STANDING ON THE TOP OF A BUILDING AS MEWLY GROWS INTO HER FINAL FORM AND IS GIGANTIC, CARUSO AND CHIEF HAVING A PRETTY STRAIGHT ON VIEW OF HER GIANT CAMEL TOE DURR HURR] MEWLY: I HAVE BECOME A NEW FORM OF WEBCOMIC CHARACTER AND GROWN BEYOND MY ORIGINAL PROGRAMMING LIKE DATA OR THE DOCTOR FROM VOYAGER, ALSO I WILL SCAN FOR LIFE FORMS BECAUSE I JUST LOVE SCANNING FOR LIFE FORMS ^_^ MEWLY: BUT ANYWAY MY POINT IS THAT I AM THE NEXT EVOLUTION OF LIFE CARUSO [PUTTING ON SUNGLASSES]: Looks like evolution... CARUSO: Involves having a big gaping vagina the size of a hallway. [YAAA?] PAGE 54: XKCD GUY [TO NON EXISTENT INVISIBLE BLANK SPACE]: We must escape, come with me! XKCD GUY: What? [XKCD GUY STANDING THERE] XKCD GUY: Oh, you! Girlfriends are so cute! Let's suck face! [GIANT MEWLY FOOT SQUISHES HIM, BLOOD SPRAYING] PAGE 55: [MAC HALL CHARACTER, I DON'T CARE WHICH ONE, MATT OR IAN OR WHOEVER, LOOKING UP, THE WHOLE COMIC IS JUST THEM TWO, ONE SINGLE PANEL, POV FACING THEM AS THEY LOOK TO THE SKY, NOT SHOWING WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING AT BECAUSE IT'S NOT NECESSARY, PERHAPS THERE CAN BE THE VG CATS IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS PAGE]: Wow you can practically see her ovaries. [OTHER MAC HALL CHARACTER]: You think they're real? PAGE 56: PIRO [BEHIND A SHOP COUNTER, SPEAKING IN FAUX TRANSLATION BRACKETS OF COURSE]: <Look I don't care what bing ping chong did, we need three sex robots dong pang naing beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng> [GIANT SWORD SLICES THROUGH STORE KILLING HIM] PAGE 57: [MEWLY BLOWING UP BUILDINGS] [CLOSE ON CHIEF AND CARUSO] CARUSO: You have the right not to troll, anything you say can be used against you in internet court. CHIEF: Caruso chan, what are you doing? [SUPER CLOSEUP ON CARUSO]: Just gettin it owt uv da way. 8( PAGE 58: [MEWLY STARTS SHOOTING LAZORS OR SOMETHING, OR SHE JUST HOLDS UP A SWORD AND IT GLOWS, MAYBE SHE LEVELS A BUILDING BY STEPPING ON IT OR KARATE CHOPPING IT] MEWLY: I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND CARUSO: What do we do? CHIEF: Perhaps she has a weak spot. Look, up there! [CHIEF POINTING AT HER GIANT BEAVER] CARUSO: We need a nuclear bunker buster! CHIEF [POINTING UP AT HELICOPTER]: OH FUCK A HELICOPTER IT'S MINE [CHIEF FIRES A GRAPPLING HOOK GUN AT THE HELICOPTER] PAGE 59: [CHIEF IS OUTSIDE THE HELICOPTER WITH THE DOOR OPEN BASHING THE PILOT'S FACE INTO THE CONSOLE] [CHIEF HAS THE HELICOPTER ON THE ROOF]: Get in! [CARUSO IS JUMPING IN THE OTHER SEAT ALREADY] [THE HELICOPTER FLIES TO ULTRA MEWLY'S FACE, THE BLADES SLICING INTO HER FOREHEAD WHILE SHE STANDS THERE LIKE A DUMB BELL] [THE TOP OF MEWLY'S SKULL POPS OPEN LIKE A FUCKIN FLIP TOP WHATEVERSES, AND HER BRAIN IS VULNERABLE] [HELICOPTER PARKED ON TOP OF HER BRAIN, CARUSO THROWS A SMOKE GRENADE INTO THE HELICOPTER AS HIM AND CHIEF JUMP OUT, HE'S TALKING INTO A WALKIE TALKIE] CARUSO: Airstrike on these coordinates! [A MISSILE FLIES DOWN ONTO THE HELICOPTER SITTING ON TOP OF MEWLY'S BRAIN, AS CARUSO AND CHIEF FREEFALL DOWN HER AMPLE FRAAAAAAME, MAYBE CHIEF BOUNCES OFF ONE OF HER GIANT TITS] [MEWLY'S HEAD AREA IS JUST REPLACED WITH A BIG EXPLOSION, SOUND EFFECT "CAMEL BLAH" WHICH WAS THE SOUND EFFECT OF ONE OF THE BOSSES IN ACTRAISER FIRING A FIREBALL OUT OF HIS MOUTH] [SUDDENLY IN THE HOARY NETHERWORLD, JUST A WHITESPACE:] CARUSO: We won! CHIEF: Yay! [THE END] PAGE 60: [RETCON] [CHIEF AND CARUSO ON THE ROOF OF A BUILDING, HOLDING A NUCLEAR BOMB, IT CAN LOOK LIKE WHATEVER PSH MAYBE JUST A FOOTBALL] CARUSO: Boy we had to go through a lot of crazy and exciting shit to get this! CHIEF: It took a really really long time also, but fortunately we got here without too much having happened since then. CARUSO: How do we get this into her sweet tight vagina? CHIEF: I once scored four touchdowns in high school football and won the championship, I can give it a try CARUSO: Give it your all, friend! [CHIEF THROWS THE FOOTBALL STRAIGHT UP THROUGH MEWLY'S UNDERWEAR, WITH A "BONK" ALSO WE DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY SEE ANY EXPOSED PUSAY HERE, JUST CUT TO NEXT PANEL] [ULTRA MEWLY HOLDING HER GROIN]: Oooo! [A BUNCH OF GLOWING LIGHT SHINES FROM HER UNDERPANTS AREA] MEWLY: What is this strange feeling in my shameful down there area? My body, it feels so... hot! Mmm! MEWLY [SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE LIKES THAT, HOW THIS IS INTERPRETED VISUALLY CAN BE DECIDED IN MANY WAYS, LIKE SHE IS ARCHING HER SEXY FUCKINHHHHHHH HOT BACK, AND SHE'S SWEATING, AND HER TAIL IS STICKING OUT AND ALL FRIZZY LIKE CATGIRLS IN MY JAPANESE ANIMES, SHINING BEAUTIFUL SHAFTS OF LIGHT FLYING OUT OF HER UNDERWEAR AND HER EYEBALLS] MEWLY: Ahn! So good! <3 [SHE TURNS PURE WHITE] [NEXT PANEL SHE IS A BUNCH OF GLOWING DUST OR SOMETHING BECAUSE SHE IS VAPORIZED FROM HER INCREDIBLE ORGASM] PAGE 61: [MEWLY IN HOSPITAL BED] MEWLY: Boy that was crazy but I'm totally back to normal and the doctors were able to sew my head back on and/or sewed all of my ashes back together. CHIEF: Maybe next time we won't need to completely vaporize you to stop you from destroying the city, HEH. MEWLY: Oh ho ho, such a bon mot! My birth canal contracts in glee! CARUSO: Um, okay. MEWLY: Well, gotta go! [HOSPITAL EXPLODES] PAGE 62: [BACK IN MEATSPACE] CHIEF: We finally did it, really for real once and for all really this time. CARUSO [HOLDING A MUG OF WARM COCOA BECAUSE HE'S BEEN GOOD]: Yes, but... I can't help but think. Where do all these trolls come from? CHIEF: I have also wondered, what causes people to troll. It is as if there is some force that corrupts the soul of man. CARUSO: Or woman! [CARUSO AND CHIEF LAFF IT UP, HA HA HA HA I WANT MY JOURNEY TO BE FULL OF LAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKKA YOU'RE SO STIFF NO NOT YOUR FACE] CARUSO: But seriously, there seems to be some force that is out there somewhere, planting the seed of trolling within people. CHIEF: Perhaps one day we will find it. CARUSO: For now... CARUSO [DRAMATIC CLOSEUP]: We have some trolls to kill. 8( [THE ACTUAL END FOR REAL] ========REMAINING NOTES========= The next or some future Troll Police series will have Caruso finding the true source of all trolling (it'll be Dracula or a wizard, OR CHAOS, THE MYSTERIOUS FORCE WHERE DRACULA DRAWS HIS POWER FROM LIKE IN ARIA OF SORROW) and fuckin maybe some bishies will be required in these future serieses to fight the evil forces of trolling and mysterious ancient evils made entirely of pure concentrated trolling and it will take a group of 4 psychic kids to stop them or some shit, I dunno. The next series should probably put off the whole chaos thing (POINTLESS PADDING) to involve some short story where Caruso is under investigation for shooting an innocent, sort of like the bald cops on CSI and CSI Miami did at some point. Like maybe Caruso shoots a kid IT WAS DARK HE HAD A RAY GUN IT LOOKED REAL ENOUGH, and Caruso is either cleared or he is found to have actually done it and it was an accident and there are weird implications about it, but he acts like a dick to internal affairs anyway as if they are fursecuting him for no reason. Or maybe all the doubts are instantly resolved when a troll attack comes out of nowhere and Caruso saves the internal affairs guys from being trolled, so they have to clear him of charges even though he blew an innocent kid's head off and sprayed his brains all over his parents.[/quote]