Caltrops - Reviews





	[quote name="Jhoh Cable o_O"]CSI Miami is a popular television show which airs on CBS where a crime is committed, then Caruso shows up on the scene, him and some other cop will go over some introductory details of the crime, and then Caruso will <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948">begin a one liner</a>, pause, put his sunglasses on, finish the one liner, then begin moving quickly out of the frame <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdqPRfCUVGs">just as The Who kicks in his door</a> and the pure Carusitas pegs the shame-o-meter at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBtpyeLxVkI">9,001</a>. The rest of the episode is probably written around this. Miami is the spinoff to the original CSI show, which was a show about criminal crime lab investigators using investigation laboratories and shit like that to solve crimes. CSI Miami is only related by the fact that it occasionally has a scene where David Caruso or some other <b>faggot</b> will clip off the end of a cotton swab, or unconvincingly pretend to look at something under a microscope. The amazing varity of characters ranges from "David Caruso" to "some other idiot." Everyone on the show has a turn at being completely incompetent, from the guy who died in the third season because he didn't clean his gun (I guess crime lab guys need to use their guns a lot............ MIAMI STYLE) to the new idiot who replaced him who is always getting in trouble because he's a hothead. This combined with these supposed crime lab guys storming people's house with their guns drawn to Caruso personally interrogating all of the suspects and giving them really intense stares burning their souls out in order to DRAG THE TRUTH FROM THEM o_o, eventually the show stops being a cop drama with lab scenes and turns into more of a science fantasy that takes place in an alternate universe. Even the actual CSI lab looks more like a crazy evil villian's volcano base, with the glass walls everywhere and decorative glass shutters, hanging lights, and 3 story ceilings with stairways that don't seem to go anywhere, and no windows showing the outside. Every episode has a ridiculous overdose of pointless video effects with the zooming swish pan slow motion to sudden speed up back to slow motion to normal motion blur rips then the effect where the CSI crew is shown walking in slow motion and then everything gets real dark for a second and it goes into REALLY FOR REAL slow motion then it turns all bright and overexposed as the film speed shoots up for a split second then back to slow motion again with ridiculous techno music playing the whole time and lens flares and blurs. And that's when nothing is even happening, it's just for the helicopter shots of Miami. It goes so beyond hitting the rock bottom of the barrel (where the rocks are) that it becomes something beyond the worst show on TV and flips it all around and becomes perhaps the best, where every episode is a reliable formula of Caruso one liners, shoot outs, head tilts, pointless effects, and CG shots of bullets or knives going into people's arteries. Most of the events in this show are totally unrealistic, but even the ones that might be realistic are probably not true. It seems like whoever writes the scripts for these shows have no clue at all what they are writing about, from actual crime scene investigations to ballistics. Only on CSI Miami could a .22 to the chest actually kill someone. Caruso tilts his head more than Paris Hilton. Eventually I wonder if he has neck problems. He usually does it when he is pretending to be sympathetic to some other dumb character because they got shot in the face with a nailgun and may lose their eyesight. One of the most annoying things in the show is that fuckin thing where they make a bunch of talking scenes all quiet, and then the montage scene where they test some DNA or run a substance through trace analysis to stupid techno music is loud enough to blast your fuckin eardrums out. I think they do this to keep all the old people, who keep this show at #1 every week by the millions, awake by making them turn it up extra loud for then talking, and then suddenly some gunfire or music will blow their speakers out and keep the old folks from dozing off. That and the extremely graphic scenes of people's faces being blown off in the flashbacks of "so this is what happened when the bullet entered in the eyeball and bounced off the back of the skull exiting the throat" type of scenes. The old people being the main viewer base of this show also explains some episodes where the main character dramas are stupid things like a team member is accused of smoking <b>the marijuana cigarettes</b> or video games teaching our children to kill and the game company execs are secretly funding the killings. O_______O Or when the new hothead incompetent CSI dude (known to me only as CSI <b>Dick</b>) gets shot in the face with a nailgun, and Caruso pretends to care about how he needs to get his eye checked out and will CSI dick lose his eyesight? STAY TOONED. For some reason there's a ton of ridiculous action packed scenes shoehorned into every episode, with Caruso personally shooting at least one person, a funeral or hospital or the lab itself.[/quote]