Caltrops - Deleted Posts





	[quote name="mark"]<b>[26 Aug 2005\|12:25pm] [mood\|you know it] [music\|AVRIL LAVIGNE- my happy ending]</b> The Black Clock finally came out. Featuring yrs truly, William T. Vollman, Richard Powers, Rachel Reznick, Michael Chabon, Maureen Howard, Joanna Scott, Joseph McElroy, etc. The last issue featured Jonathan Lethem, David Foster Wallace, Steve Erickson, Rick Moody, Greil Marcus etc. Order yours here. 5 comments <b>[26 Aug 2005\|01:34pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| cynical ]</b> Just missed my 3rd consecutive appointment with my psychiatrist. It's almost like I'm doing this on purpose. <b>the opposite of</b> <b>[26 Aug 2005\|01:34pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| drift ]</b> <b>[ music \| radiohead- the trickster ]</b> Funny how random thoughts pop up. Even now. Like that argument me & David had about the Sybil. When of course I meant (I just recalled) the Sybil at Cumae who as often as not has become referred to as the Sybil but not I would say exclusively so. I'm having one of those days. Where I wish I had more fucking power. Give me back my fucking mind. <b>[26 Aug 2005\|01:38pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| shiver ]</b> What would I say to a shrink anyway. Hey I'm dying. Did they ever teach you what the opposite of a brain is. June dances a slow jitterbug. August sets her own skirts on fire. & says I will never love again. Tried to date the north star. She was the only one I wanted to follow. & then she left. Everything reminds me of her & everything I do is to escape this feeling. This Germanic sense of non-self. Unheimlich. Hey. Unclean. Hey you know what it all means. Every kid with a bed & a door. Torschlusspanik. Wear it on a goddamn shirt. Hey there is a darkness that language was invented to distract us from. & it followed me home & it ate all the potatoes & all the apples too. No one believes me that it's there. But there's no room in the basement. For anything else. & so I cannot have a pet. Wicker of my bones. Flicker of my thought. Hey the tigers have found me. I'll bury you all she said. Hey it's all a big nothing. Daddy what's the opposite of a swan. Look Mom I did this. Because it was so hard to argue I placed all the windows on the floor. It was so hard to raise my eyes. The hive mind is always a threatening & alien presence. Because you see. Someone stole the honey. Someone stole the honey from me. How's that he said. How's that. Calendars on the floor. Goddamn shoe gazer generation never have to wonder what day they're uninterested in make a fucking mint. How's that. How's that. You know me I said finally. With my pistol on the bar. They call me SADSINCESIX. 3 comments <b>[26 Aug 2005\|07:01pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| there is no one ]</b> <b>[ music \| nine inch nails- self destruction (final) ]</b> Lifted weights for a couple hours. Watched three episodes of Monk. Made a curry. Felt like I was eating Mars. Goddamn god of war w/ lime. Off to the gun club. That daisy is too loud. It must be shot. Cheap beer & dust. Sweating out both. Which is why I wear brown. No one notices. No one ever does. Some guy afterward. Expressions moving like cobwebs in a breeze. Keep wanting to brush them off his face. But keep it together Russel. Couple of whiskeys at Kris' place. Shot of top shelf tequila. Another beer. Couple pills. Now I have to turn off the swamp cooler & sweat out the poison. Comb out some fucking poetry. Burrs see. I leave mine in the fields. Where no one will ever find it. Only. Then I miss it. Drive back middle of the night. Couple hours from now I have to run three miles. I don't care what I do to myself. I should be beautiful. & then there's a show to go to. & there are all these things I should say to Rachael- but won't. Because she isn't listening. There are some things I want to say to Ashley- but won't. Because they're understood. There are all these Dylan Thomas poems which make me feel like sticking my hand through a paper lantern. There's the new Ellis to work through. There's the dog bed I'll curl up on. Shortly. There are these actual rations my parents gave me. In camouflage green. Ham slice. The dog bed tastes better. I don't know. You'd be surprised how strong I still am. After I run it's off to Dave's show & off to make a spectacle. You know I don't always- or even often- experience music in this way but when I first heard the Fragile all I saw was red & green. Rainforest colors. Hot & wet. Fetid. Red & green. Never retreated from the statement that it was one of the decade's most underrated records. But music. Don't get me started on fucking music. <b>[28 Aug 2005\|02:50am]</b> I miss my fiance.[/quote]