Caltrops - Deleted Posts





	[quote name="mark"]<b>[19 Aug 2005\|09:53pm]</b> Tomorrow I am spending ten hours with a sledgehammer. I can barely walk. But what the fucking hell. Goonies never say die. <b>kick down the truth</b> <b>[19 Aug 2005\|10:46pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| hemlock! ]</b> <b>[ music \| slowdive- painting ]</b> The reason this journal is up for the night? In addition to pointing out why it shouldn't be. Is that today my application for an alternative route to a teaching license in the Salt Lake City School District. Was approved. Background check pending. I will be teaching high school English with the swiftness. Actually if I wanted to teach Elementary? I am missing only one credit. But I'd rather be with the books. I have the perfect flask, see. & I have the total madness. But with the swiftness is probably misleading. This will take some time. But it is is happening. One more thing to live for. To corrupt the motherfucking youth. 22 comments <b>like tetris with sweat</b> <b>[20 Aug 2005\|04:38pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| delete yourself]</b> So so covered in sweat & dirt. Bought her some red sunflowers on the way home from work. "Honey, they always give construction workers flowers at the end of the day. Nobody likes to talk about it or anything. But that's why we always go back." <b>[20 Aug 2005\|04:43pm]</b> Feel like walking through a car wash. <b>[23 Aug 2005\|01:06am]</b> <b>[mood \| let me out]</b> <b>[music \| smashing pumpkins- cherub rock]</b> Suddenly I'm 27. 20 comments <b>[23 Aug 2005\|01:07am]</b> <b>[ mood \| no. ]</b> <b>[ music \| tha alkoholics- hip hop drunkies ]</b> & I left- I walked out on- friends (?) buying me shots of decent scotch (by this city's standards at least). I mean. I didn't tell them I was leaving. I was their ride. Just wanted to see either her or no one. But felt so fucking bad I drove back & offered rides. Everyone acted like they'd never seen me before. & I couldn't help thinking. Hell. They never did. A part of me feels like I should say something here. Something with some sting. So you'll know I'm still me. 1 comment <b>[23 Aug 2005\|02:04pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| reflective ]</b> <b>[ music \| the pleasure thieves- seratonin blue ]</b> Even machetes grow up. <b>how it happened</b> <b>[23 Aug 2005\|02:06pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| angel ]</b> I opened the door at one am & she was there in a dark green dress holding a chocolate cake with 27 candles already blazing. & then. 2 comments <b>[23 Aug 2005\|06:14pm]</b> Rachael gave me a 14 k white gold ring. She's making me call it a promise ring. But it isn't! At all. Seriously. Weeks ago. <b>[24 Aug 2005\|02:52am]</b> <b>[ mood \| i miss braxy ]</b> <b>[ music \| pleasure thieves- the end of the world ]</b> Filling all the vases full of vodka. & then getting mad at them for drinking it all. Wouldn't be so bad to be a vase. Just think of how careful people are with them. <b>[24 Aug 2005\|04:23am]</b> I'm sure a few more pills will do the trick. 2 comments <b>[24 Aug 2005\|04:47pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| heartbroken ]</b> Never ever after. <b>i wanted her to tell me [24 Aug 2005\|08:12pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| forrest ]</b> <b>[ music \| elliott smith- last call ]</b> & I put the groceries away. Put the new bottle of vodka in the freezer. Place the pack of cigarettes I pomised myself not to buy, on the dirty black tablecloth. I change the water for the flowers. I take the heart you gave me to keep safe. & I place it in the heartworn cigarbox beside the tv. I have a beer. I have a cigarette. I promise myself not to call her & then do. Lying on the dog bed I bought for Lucy. The dial tone reminds of corks I've been unable to pull from bottles. There must a way. Some violent way. Of pulling it from the phone. But I am too tired or simply too unable. My brain feels like ice thawing. How painful it is to thaw. Almost I have sympathy for the meat in the freezer. Only I remember there is none. There is only vodka. Which I pull out of the freezer & look at as if checking for blemishes. There are none. I return it to ice without twisting its cap off. Without getting myself right. Twist instead the ring on my finger. I stare out the kitchen window. Someone- the same someone it always is- is watering their plants three buildings east of mine. Wearing the same surrender white blouse she always does. I am tempted to wave goodbye but I'm sure the gesture would be misunderstood. & that is something I am so tired of being. I make some food & place it on the table & walk back to the window outside of which there is only the world. There are so many bricks out there. & they have never torn someone apart. Ever. I don't know if I'm going to bother eating. Eating has a musuem feel to it these days. Look how people used to live. No I'll just update the journal. This jouranl. Perhaps turn on a light. Because the room has begun to darken. Everything in here looks trampled. & the sound of the fountain outside has not subsided but neither is it the same. It really is everywhere you know. The hugeness of that which is missing. 2 comments <b>night falls like a blow to the head</b> <b>[24 Aug 2005\|10:26pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| i miss you ]</b> I was on cloud nine all week & my birthday was the best ever & then something spills out of my mouth like the shadow of something much larger than me & when it's done there is nothing left in the room. <b>[24 Aug 2005\|10:35pm]</b> <b>[ mood \| shatter ]</b> & at the coffee shop on 3rd & G I walk around gathering all the coffee cups & placing them in the sink because the only girl that works there walks on crutches & it seems cruel to put the burden upon her. It is a small thing. But this is how it is I think to myself. When we can't fix what really matters in our life. We are gentle in everything that doesn't. After your heart's been taken from you. The world is like a nest. Look how carefully you hold the phone. 2 comments[/quote]